A spouse comes first. Always.

 

Since I would only be in the boyfriend part (yeah right ) close friend for me - but if you were married your partner should be one of your close friends

 

I imagine you should hold those priorities to the same degree. A healthy balance between the two should be fine to be honest.

 

A relationship is based on a friendship so friendship without a doubt. As far as the bigger picture goes just take life as it comes don't try and pre-plan it too much or view people as this or that (friend / potential partner) let nature takes it course. If a friendship is meant to go beyond then it will! Can be super awkward when a guy has that desperate-for-a-relationship look all over his face. >_<

 

I used to think friendship also, but now looking at it realistically I can't see myself making any close friends, because of what I said in my first post. I just feel like it would be easier to tell someone to accept me in an intimate romantic kind of way than just to be my friend, because they probably already have friends and they might not see the relationship as important as a potential girlfriend might.

Like they'd be thinking: "I'm supposed to just drop my free time that I could be spending with my other friends to hang out with you?", as opposed to: "You really like me as more than a friend but you don't have any other friends to spend time with and you want us to be a couple.". It just sounds less desperate and needy because I'm asking for a closer relationship and not just someone to fill the slot of "friend to hang out with" (not that that's all they'd be to me but it might appear that way).

Sadly, I feel like I have a better chance of finding a girlfriend at this point than a friend to spend time with. I don't want to come off as desperate, and I hope I don't have that look on my face when I'm talking to girls :um lol, but I am always looking for potential partners. I'm not satisfied being single, it's been 18 years and I want a relationship. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm looking.

 

I'm the one girlfriend vote so far. That's just how I've always operated. Never got close to 'friends' unless I told them I love them alots.

 

I'll take either one.

I take a really long time to get comfortable with people and I'm just not sure people my age have or will take that kind of time anymore. I'm always nervous when I talk to acquaintances even if they clearly like to talk to me and actively try to spend time with me. Because of this I always sabotage those relationships.I guess I feel similarly to you that a romantic partner would be more willing to spend that kind of time together. But I don't think most people would want to be with someone with no close friends.

 

@post#6
so you don't consider there to be any friendship aspect in a relationship? You just want someone to sleep with, maybe even hug and perhaps outlet your emotions on?

I consider a relationship to basically be the same as any friendship except you're closer, share more and are perhaps on some level intimate. Even when you're dating someone you are doing the same things you'd do with any other friend, you hang out and do stuff, it's from being around this person as a friend that you base your decision on taking it further or not.

side note: I get the feeling people are scared of calling a friendship a friendship because of this whole "friend zone" nonsense. There is no window of opportunity if two people have chemistry they have chemistry but if they don't they don't, it can happen at any time! It's not unheard of of people entering a relationship after being friends for years first! xP

 

so you don't consider there to be any friendship aspect in a relationship? You just want someone to sleep with, maybe even hug and perhaps outlet your emotions on?

I consider a relationship to basically be the same as any friendship except you're closer, share more and are perhaps on some level intimate. Even when you're dating someone you are doing the same things you'd do with any other friend, you hang out and do stuff, it's from being around this person as a friend that you base your decision on taking it further or not.

side note: I get the feeling people are scared of calling a friendship a friendship because of this whole "friend zone" nonsense. There is no window of opportunity if two people have chemistry they have chemistry but if they don't they don't, it can happen at any time! It's not unheard of of people entering a relationship after being friends for years first! xP

Was this directed at me?

Sorry I wasn't clear I completely agree that you should be friends with someone you are with and that is the most important aspect of the relationship. I just take so long to get comfortable with someone I feel like I need that intimacy to feel safe in the relationship. Someone you can open up to is easier to find romantically than not, I think.

I also think the friendzone is complete PUA/immature nonsense.

Edit: Oof now I've made the thread about me, I hope this is at least helpful for you Hopeful.

 

I voted girlfriend because I don't get the concept of "friends". I don't see why someone would want to hang out with people that are not related or you are not attracted to. Maybe I'm just anti-social. But that's how I see it. If you care for someone then they should always come first, no matter what.

 

Lol are you serious. A friend IS someone you care about or they are not your friend, u don't have to be sexually attracted to them. The love of true friendship is stronger than anything if you ever had it.

To whom comes first well it depends on the situation. Is your gf/bf a past friend who turned into more...is your friend someone you knew since you were small, are u only using your bf/gf for shallow reasons. You would be surprised at how many people view gf/bf as just a label,sexual object...The whole question depends on individuals reasons and can't be generalized..

So for me, I view a girlfriend/boyfriend as someone who is your friend but your closest friend. The fact you have chosen them to be your gf/bf means you are automatically putting them first. This does not mean you blindly follow them when you feel they are wrong and a close friend is right...thats just my opinion

 

i voted either. though i value having a gf more, and i actively seek one. i don't actively try to make friends really.

 

In my mind, boyfriend/girlfriend comes before friends in priority. But I think getting and keeping a girlfriend/boyfriend might be hard without friends already. They might think you're weird if they have a ton of friends and you don't... I don't know. In my case I've always got in relationships with other people who have few or no friends anyways, so it's worked. But I voted friends because it seems the healthier/more normal way to go...

 

Both are tremendously important.

It's easier to get a girlfriend when you have friends, but having a girlfriend helps more when you're lonely.

 

THIS IS THE ORDER

One thing all guys like to talk about is girls. So ti make it easy to make guy friends, you need to make girl friends. Just start talking to single girls and hanging out with them. Now when you meet guys, you can talk about those girls you know and ask advice and tell stories.

 

being a girl i would always expect him to choose me over his friends

 

Depends. In my case, I'd never had proper male friends until very recently. Making the jump to girlfriend seemed to large a leap. With my male friends, I have been setting up outings and pulling through with them recently. Otherwise I'd never even had friends like that before. Now that I have experiences like that with guys, I am more confident in pursuing relationships with girls as far as the event-outing, invitation procress. Now, the intimacy issue is a whole other animal. But having done the event planning, I feel more confident that I could pull off intimacy with a girl. It seemed darn near impossible before; now it seems very hard, but doable.

 

yeah I get what you're saying but there's two things that stand out..

I don't see a relationship as always being about asking someone out or making something "official", a declaration of love etc etc.. if you like a girl you're going to give off those vibes and I don't think you should underestimate a girls ability to pick up on this, x100 if she actually likes you back and is looking for subtle hints, body language, vibes etc. When you like someone you can't control their feelings and if they are more interested in someone else then so be it you can't "get in first", time is irrelevant. Just like your attraction it's either there in them or it's not.. sometimes it's not enough to act on or pick up on but if it's going to happen it will happen.. usually without words, better without words... whole lot less awkward lols! Read the first kiss thread. :3

the other thing is ..you give off this idea that if she doesn't want to be your girlfriend then she can't be your friend or you can't handle seeing her with someone else.. I get the feeling from your words that you don't, on a deeper level think like this but from what I've seen it's easy to fall into that mentality unknowingly. Speaking from experience try not to be too precious with your attractions, there are so many girls out there and they may come and they may go and they may also stay. My views changed beyond comprehension after the first break-up... it hurt more than hell but in a way I'm glad it happened. I guess sometimes we have to experience things to truly understand them xP Unrequited love can suck big time but it's better to be friends with someone that is awesome than to have them gone out of your life completely.. THAT is very much speaking from experience :/

 

yeah I get what you're saying but there's two things that stand out..

I don't see a relationship as always being about asking someone out or making something "official", a declaration of love etc etc.. if you like a girl you're going to give off those vibes and I don't think you should underestimate a girls ability to pick up on this, x100 if she actually likes you back and is looking for subtle hints, body language, vibes etc. When you like someone you can't control their feelings and if they are more interested in someone else then so be it you can't "get in first", time is irrelevant. Just like your attraction it's either there in them or it's not.. sometimes it's not enough to act on or pick up on but if it's going to happen it will happen.. usually without words, better without words... whole lot less awkward lols! Read the first kiss thread. :3

the other thing is ..you give off this idea that if she doesn't want to be your girlfriend then she can't be your friend or you can't handle seeing her with someone else.. I get the feeling from your words that you don't, on a deeper level think like this but from what I've seen it's easy to fall into that mentality unknowingly. Speaking from experience try not to be too precious with your attractions, there are so many girls out there and they may come and they may go and they may also stay. My views changed beyond comprehension after the first break-up... it hurt more than hell but in a way I'm glad it happened. I guess sometimes we have to experience things to truly understand them xP Unrequited love can suck big time but it's better to be friends with someone that is awesome than to have them gone out of your life completely.. THAT is very much speaking from experience :/

That's true, but I suck at giving off vibes so I can't rely on that. Or at least I did in the past, the last girl I asked out said she saw it coming, but before that they were taken off guard by it. I also don't like that "process" (if you can call it that) because it's too indirect and it's easy to misunderstand (like people thinking they're getting signs when they're not, or people not realizing they're getting signs. I've done both of these). I prefer to just get to know a girl, then ask her out if I like her. I won't "not" send signs, but I don't want to rely on that I guess is what I'm saying.

I think time is relevant in the sense that you don't want to wait too long or she might find someone else or think you're just not interested and she "misread" your signs. And I never believed in that "if it's meant to be it'll happen" stuff really. I mean I want that to be true, but I think we have way more control over it than that. Right now I'm under the impression that I failed in the past because I wasn't assertive enough. If I was, I think I would've had at least 1 girlfriend. And those other guys would've been seen as "nice attractive guys but nothing compared to my awesome boyfriend" instead of potential boyfriends themselves.

I don't think of it that way. Emotionally I might, I won't deny that, it sucks completely when you like someone who's a friend of yours but they don't like you back. But I try to keep the friendship because I know they value the relationship and when I think about it I do highly value their friendship. I guess with time and experience I'll grow to understand this stuff but most of it just doesn't come naturally to me, so I have to think about it and plan my steps (for relationships). I'll be sure not to turn anyone down as a friend because they don't like me though, that's for sure

 

close friends. relationships come and go. I think it's sad when people neglect their friendships once they get into a relationship or get married even.

 

I feel like I agree with this, but then at the same time I disagree. When someone gets married they should be marrying their best friend, someone who knows them as good as anyone else and understands their shortcomings, etc. So then, yes I think friends can technically come before a girlfriend, but once you are married you have a new best friend and that person should be put first.

Not sure if that makes any sense, I'm just sort of thinking out loud.

Anyone agree or disagree with this? Does anyone even understand what I mean?

 

Friends are there for you when someone breaks your heart. Friends are valuable.

 

DEfinitely friends first. IF you break up with your girlfriend, you will have NO One. Trust. THere's so many guys that make the mistake of hanging out with their girlfriend so much, that other friends will just think of the guy as "whipped" or someone who just cares about vagina more than bros. That's messed up. You always have to have male friends. (TV Show ENtourage). A man without male companions is no man at all. Once you have a set group of close guy friends, then females will naturally be interested in you, because you have established yourself as a cool person.

 

Nevermind as I posted it it was changed