or something evil inside of me. I am honestly more afraid of myself than anything else. I have a lot of issues from growing up, especially centered around bullying, and feeling isolated. I made friends every now and then growing up, but I've never made a friend that I felt completely comfortable with.
When i was younger i used to have violent fantasies about killing people who i thought wronged me, or who didn't do enough to stop those that did. After i got older it got even worse. I started to hate most people in society in general. Just years ago, i remember walking about wishing i was a vampire or something that could kill anything that i thought was a treat to me.
I'm 21 now, and I generally don't spend too much time fantasizing bizarre things. Ever now and then, I'll just be sitting down trying to be a normal guy, and start a normal social life, and I'll get some random bizarre thought. Sometimes they are violent, and sometimes sexual. They scare me because while i have no plans to act on them, a lot of times i feel like im not really there, and feel disconnected to my body. When I'm like that I'm usually pretty out of it. I'm generally pretty aware of what's going on, but I just don't feel it.
Like i said, i do have friends, and try to get out. Usually if I'm out with a friend, and i have this blank look on my face, someone will ask me if im okay. I'll tell them that I'm fine. I try me best to keep it together.
Since it's October, I was at a friends house watching horror movies. I was watching The Shinning, and was a little disturbed. I've seen the movie before, but i kind of was relating the character to myself. During the movie i kept pondering, "what if i went crazy, and did something horrible?"
My social anxiety steams from a lot of stuff growing up, and my denationalization. But honestly, I'm more concerned about others around me, and my future. I look in the mirror, and it scares me because i feel like I'm looking at someone else.
I dunno.
When i was younger i used to have violent fantasies about killing people who i thought wronged me, or who didn't do enough to stop those that did. After i got older it got even worse. I started to hate most people in society in general. Just years ago, i remember walking about wishing i was a vampire or something that could kill anything that i thought was a treat to me.
I'm 21 now, and I generally don't spend too much time fantasizing bizarre things. Ever now and then, I'll just be sitting down trying to be a normal guy, and start a normal social life, and I'll get some random bizarre thought. Sometimes they are violent, and sometimes sexual. They scare me because while i have no plans to act on them, a lot of times i feel like im not really there, and feel disconnected to my body. When I'm like that I'm usually pretty out of it. I'm generally pretty aware of what's going on, but I just don't feel it.
Like i said, i do have friends, and try to get out. Usually if I'm out with a friend, and i have this blank look on my face, someone will ask me if im okay. I'll tell them that I'm fine. I try me best to keep it together.
Since it's October, I was at a friends house watching horror movies. I was watching The Shinning, and was a little disturbed. I've seen the movie before, but i kind of was relating the character to myself. During the movie i kept pondering, "what if i went crazy, and did something horrible?"
My social anxiety steams from a lot of stuff growing up, and my denationalization. But honestly, I'm more concerned about others around me, and my future. I look in the mirror, and it scares me because i feel like I'm looking at someone else.
I dunno.
