I've always been afraid to try things for fear of failure or embarrassment. I don't want any negative attention, real or perceived, so I'll do nothing rather than risk it. This fear of imperfection along with my social fears has definitely affected school/career type stuff, as well as just normal things that should be fun, but have to be tried to enjoy, or even trivial things like being unable to ask a simple question for fear I'll sound stupid or bother someone. As a kid, if I feared I couldn't do something well, I would avoid it. I've continued to avoid a whole lot my entire life, which has resulted in my not being able to do much, which of course only enhances my feelings of being less than. Intellectually I know it would be much more fun to at least try and maybe keep trying and become mediocre at something, than to do nothing because you fear you won't do it perfectly, but of course reality has never had much to do with my behavior. I don't really think my problem comes from expectations placed on me by anyone but myself though. I was overly sensitive as a kid and observed early on that kids do things like laugh at other kids if they strike out or don't catch the ball -- I basically paralyzed myself by becoming overly careful in avoiding any such attention. At some point in my little kid brain I made the decision to avoid anything I didn't think I could do well or could result in embarrassment, however minor -- that attitude unfortunately is quite a growth stunter for a human being.

 

I feel the exact same way. I always procrastinate in school and when i don't get a good mark i blame it on not trying hard enough as opposed to not being good enough.

 

:ditto

 

I can totally identify with that. I always seem to be dissatisfied with everything I do, whether it's drawing a picture or having a conversation or playing tennis. So I just don't do it, which leaves me feeling frustrated and angry with myself. I had extremely high expectations placed on me when I was a kid, too, as you said in your OP. Nothing I did was ever good enough. That could be a factor in being a chronic perfectionist.

 

I tend to completely psych myself out, to the point where I just have no desire to do anything, write essays, do projects, whatever. I just get so concerned that my point of view is idiotic or childlike, that Sartre would roll over in his grave if he read my existentialism paper, that I will fail with absolute certainty, etc.

So it's a combination of poor self-value and extreme perfectionism, for me.

 

^I can relate to this a lot.

 

Yep. I have this exact problem. I've always had the attitude that if you can't do something right, don't even bother. It bugs the crap out of me when people do things half-assed because I think they should do it right or not at all.

And of course, this just about causes me to be catatonic because I'm so flippin' lazy I know I'll never finish anything I started. I eventually have to get any halfway done things I've started and never finished out of my sight or it'll drive me crazy. By that time, there are usually too many of them to actually try and finish them all. Occasionally, I'll pick just one thing and finish it spectacularly and get a real sense of accomplishment. And then, of course, this inspires me to think I can do things I really can't and I bite off way more than I can chew and just frustrate myself more.

Seriously. I've gone for days without shaving or washing my hair for fear that I won't do it right.

 

Yep. I have this exact problem. I've always had the attitude that if you can't do something right, don't even bother. It bugs the crap out of me when people do things half-assed because I think they should do it right or not at all.

And of course, this just about causes me to be catatonic because I'm so flippin' lazy I know I'll never finish anything I started. I eventually have to get any halfway done things I've started and never finished out of my sight or it'll drive me crazy. By that time, there are usually too many of them to actually try and finish them all. Occasionally, I'll pick just one thing and finish it spectacularly and get a real sense of accomplishment. And then, of course, this inspires me to think I can do things I really can't and I bite off way more than I can chew and just frustrate myself more.

Seriously. I've gone for days without shaving or washing my hair for fear that I won't do it right.

I can relate to most of that. Especially the part about things attempted halfway/unfinished. If I see a reminder of it I go crazy. Then get one thing done, feel on top of the world and then take on too much and screw myself up!

Regarding the bolded bit: I am 100% like that. I've even had a go at people in my family for not doing the dishes properly or cleaning things properly and told them if they can't do it right then freekin don't bother doing it at all! Surely it can't be the proper way to think!

I swear I'd love to have a camera filming me going about things. It'll show so many times where I take forever to do things because my mind wanders or is deep in thought and pre-occupies itself with other meaningless crap and not the task at hand.

"Perfectionism that leads to Not Even Attempting to do anything" = Story of my life

Totally agree. It could be anything, mowing the lawn, cleaning, sending a text message. I ruminate over and over and try to make it 100% right. It definately makes me fail to see the bigger picture and miss out on alot.

Other people seem so spontaneous and carefree yet I seem stuck at 1st base!

 

"Perfectionism that leads to Not Even Attempting to do anything" = Story of my life

 

Yes. It's most serious in areas that are important to me, especially with things I was supposedly very good at earlier in life.

 

If you do something the best you can but leave it unfinished, you can't feel bad for not doing it right since you didn't complete it. Maybe if we convinced ourselves that if we take on a project we don't have to finish it - so write the essay the best you can but know that you'll be leaving out a word somewhere - that would eliminate some anxiety. In my mind if I know something will be incomplete it leaves the subject open to do with whatever I want, and that makes room for your personality over anxiety. Like when your neighbor gets mad at his leaves because he can't rake them into a pile so he leaves it up to you to "just do a better job than I did" and that eliminates the need to be perfect. If you had to rake your own yard, you wouldn't do it because it has to be perfect, there's too much formalism - every piece of the yard is required to be tended.
If we have permission to undertake what we want with the reassurance it won't be finished, we'll be freer to do them in our own way? In other words, taking out a piece of the perfect whole to make it flawed and no longer daunting.

 

This reminds me about something about unlocking your potential. You're scared that your potential is very small and limited that you never even attempt to open it. Thus you can always dream about the you you can be, rather than reaffirm the possibility that your limit is actually fairly low. This is just something from a comedian, but it's worded funnier than this.

Anyways, I'm exactly the same, a mix of many of the above thoughts has left me a heavy HEAVY procrastinator. I used to be a prefectionalist too, especially at math in year 10 and lower. After that I realised I can't be perfect and my grades slipped badly because I stopped trying After the first slip it's so easy to fail again and again. I wish I could just try my best and be content with that, I know I can... at least fairly certain I could. But the problem with many failures is I don't know what my capabilities are anymore, and self doubt also prevents me from studying well .... gah, I hate the way I think.

 

After the first slip it's so easy to fail again and again. I wish I could just try my best and be content with that, I know I can... at least fairly certain I could. But the problem with many failures is I don't know what my capabilities are anymore, and self doubt also prevents me from studying well ....

:ditto

 

you call it prefectionism, in my case it was more like unreal lack of experience based high standards, I thought because I had no experience with things that they had to be a certain way, my whole view of reality was wrong

 

That's been my motto for the past few years: "Either I do it completely right, or don't even bother trying to do it at all". This has always backfired on me, with a long trail of things that I could/should have done, like relationships, friendships, projects, jobs, travel, etc. It's a bad mix of procrastination and perfectionism.

I guess I should make realise that there's no such thing as a 'perfect' time to do something - there's no time like the present! Also I will never get a 100% outcome, no matter how hard I work on it, or how much I stress I put myself through - I should stop worrying so much about trying and failing, and be content with the things that I CAN do well.

 

I guess I should make realise that there's no such thing as a 'perfect' time to do something - there's no time like the present! Also I will never get a 100% outcome, no matter how hard I work on it, or how much I stress I put myself through - I should stop worrying so much about trying and failing, and be content with the things that I CAN do well.

The thing about that is that kind of "positive thinking" crap never works for me. I'm smart enough to logically know perfection isn't really possible in anything. The trouble is that just like SA, the need for absolute perfection in everything is completely irrational and it's entirely possible to know that and still not be able to change the thought process. Just knowing it isn't rational isn't enough.

 

This is called Analysis Paralysis. Yes, I have it too.

 

I'm just a lazy perfectionist. I find it hard to distinguish the two though.

 

Perfectionism kills me. I frequently procrastinat on the smallest tasks: sending a text message back to someone, making an appointment, starting homework, cleaning, etc. I put a lot of pressure on the outcomes of those tasks and so I would avoid those tasks for a loong time. I used to think I was just lazy but I eventually realized that hey, that's called 'perfectionism'. I haate it. It's definitely my worst habit. I think it contributes a lot to social anxiety too. I don't attempt being social, so I end up back in a recluse like state.

 

I have the same problem to an extreme degree. I avoid doing lots of things for fear that I will make the wrong choice. Of course, doing nothing at all is itself a choice and frequently the wrong choice.

As the saying goes, the perfect plan is the enemy of a good plan. Instead of simply going with something good, I do nothing as I search for perfection that doesn't exist. It's hard not to notice that most highly successful people have at one time or another been stunning failures because they actually tried and if you try odds are you will fail now & then.

 

i have this problem too.

I think it maybe comes from parents who want you to do well but do it all wrong. They pick up and point out all the things you did wrong and criticize with the idea that you will do well. but it just reinforces the idea that you are crap at everything and there is no point trying.

I only ever remember being criticized and made fun off, never being told i did well at anything. And now i don't attempt anything because if i can't do it 100% correctly the first time i won't be able to live with the shame of being a failure

and even being able to write this doesn't help the problem. I may have a degree of awareness, but 30 yrs of put down's have even wiped away the will to even try and change how i see things.

I've just given up and am waiting for the end now. I think if i was meant to be an interesting and useful or important member of the human race i would have been.

I'm just the crud that fills up the earth instead

 

I feel the same. Why do it when it's a fact that you're going to fail anyways? There's no point at all.

 

You bet I do, and LOTS of projects I try to do fall by the wayside at the first sight of imperfection. Even down to these forums--I'd even go so far as to say that often I don't post, or I try to post to things like this, and if I don't believe I've given the perfect answer, or the perfectly constructed body of my post, I hit that delete button before it's been posted.

Not by any means a good way to keep a conversation going.

 

i suffer LOTS from perfectionism =( i think being a shopaholic and procrastinator is a symptom of my perfectionist craze . i've been trying to tell myself that "my worth is not determined by my achievements and accommplisments and that worth is inherent and given to me" but ther'es no way i'll succeed financially or in my career w/o great accomplisments and accomplishments..and its hard making myself follow this belief. maybe i'm just not reading it right the way.

 

Yes, this is a big problem for me. I used to write and draw all the time; I know/knew others who did the same and I would always compare myself to them, judging my own efforts to be without merit of any kind. The best compliment I could ever pay my own work was that it was competent; but apart from that I thought everything I did was lifeless. I would do things over and over again without noticing any significant improvements and so gradually I stopped doing them. There was even a point where I would only engage in activities where I knew I could achieve that competence, because any attempt to try something new would often result in work so amateur that I would sink into a depression.

Gradually, I stopped trying altogether.

 

Yep - I relate here too... plus if I see it as a task that will just be undone and I will have do it all over again.... (like cleaning out my garage and shed)... I can't even get started - it is just too big (so I close the door and ignore it for another year)... I hate it because they are things I really do want to accomplish.

Plus if I don't have the time to do it all at once it bugs me too.... taking a 15 hour project and only being able to do one hour at a time - kills me and I give up.