I am so depressed in life now that all I can think about is of when I die. I think about the ceremony, where I will be buried, what kind of tombstone I will get, what I should be wearing in the casket, all of this is important to me. It's like I am ready to die. I feel like my time is over. I just want to peacefully die so I can sleep for a long time. I don't even want to be reincarnated anymore, only if I am guaranteed a good life in my next life. I am not suicidal, I never was, I would never do it, it's not in me and not my style. I just want to know when I am going to die like in a dream. I feel like I am dead already, that has to do more with my mental disorder I have, depersonalization and derealization.
MobiusX
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Why do you think you feel this way, despite not being suicidal? Can you elaborate at least a little bit?
*hugs* ShinAkuma, things will turn ou pebtter , promie. HAve you talken to anyone ele about these thoughts? 
find a way to express yo wanger, things will be fine <33 hugs
find a way to express yo wanger, things will be fine <33 hugs
Yo! You just wrote out word for word how I feel. Thats wild! I dont want to kill myself, but if I died I dont think id mind. Ive got peeps thatd miss me, so I guess i'll be there for em as long as im here. I went through a long period of that whole derealization and depersonalization, still happens when I get stressed, but its hard to relate to others when you feel like that. Just know you are not alone in how you feel, and what I do is connect with peeps so that helps with dereal./depers. Hang in there. See a doctor if things get outta hand, you know. Peace!
Looking back at my social anxiety when I was younger it seemed to me to progress over time something like this:
1) Fear of negative outcomes from socializing (e.g. being humiliated, insulted, or cast out of social circles) caused any social interaction to be a painful experience.
2) Although the fears were hardly ever realized the pain was remembered and thus caused additional anxiety during the next social experience.
3) This new pain was again remembered and there was an additive effect as each historical painful social experience contributed to all the subsequent experiences. Like touching a very hot stove, the pain experienced from touching the stove caused me to withdraw from further contact.
Ironically, I believe the best thing for me at the beginning stages would have been to have my worst fear realized (complete and forced social rejection) so that I could have learned at that point that a new life can be built through my own efforts unreliant on other peoples' opinion.
That would have allowed me to fear each social situation less and thus the stovetop would not have felt so hot, so to speak.
Can you focus on what exactly it is you fear rather than on the fear itself? I don't know if this long post will help or if it would have helped a younger me but I thought I would throw it in anyways. Good luck!
1) Fear of negative outcomes from socializing (e.g. being humiliated, insulted, or cast out of social circles) caused any social interaction to be a painful experience.
2) Although the fears were hardly ever realized the pain was remembered and thus caused additional anxiety during the next social experience.
3) This new pain was again remembered and there was an additive effect as each historical painful social experience contributed to all the subsequent experiences. Like touching a very hot stove, the pain experienced from touching the stove caused me to withdraw from further contact.
Ironically, I believe the best thing for me at the beginning stages would have been to have my worst fear realized (complete and forced social rejection) so that I could have learned at that point that a new life can be built through my own efforts unreliant on other peoples' opinion.
That would have allowed me to fear each social situation less and thus the stovetop would not have felt so hot, so to speak.
Can you focus on what exactly it is you fear rather than on the fear itself? I don't know if this long post will help or if it would have helped a younger me but I thought I would throw it in anyways. Good luck!
One could argue that you're close to attain complete freedom, when you REALLY stop fearing death and completely accept it (not "yeah, I accept it, but not right now, I have **** to do..."), you have nothing else to be afraid of, any consequence of your actions is a mere bump on the road.
And I'm being pseudo-philosophical because I'm sleepy... :lol
As long as you're not suicidal, you're fine.
I can relate to feeling like you're just going through the motions, like you're living in a giant waiting room.. just waiting for the inevitable. It's weird huh.... just existing but not living. I have piles of paper work piling up, just life, the system, things I'm suppose to do but I don't and they just keep piling up and I don't care I don't want to deal with life or living.. just to merely exist until something takes me. Maybe between now and then a reason will come out of nowhere and these feelings will dissipate *shrugs*.
I feel pretty close to exactly what you typed...you're really good with words.
I don't have it in me to actually think about killing myself, yet I don't really want to be alive =/
Hang in there, dude. Hopefully there is always light at the end of every dark tunnel.
I don't have it in me to actually think about killing myself, yet I don't really want to be alive =/
Hang in there, dude. Hopefully there is always light at the end of every dark tunnel.
I used to think like that, but now I really don't care much for ceremonies, funerals, and if I'm gonna be missed. All I know is, whenever I die, I suggest the funeral be a giant keg party and people dance, and they can play my favorite music. I don't need a tombstone, don't need a eulogy, or a priest to tell me how I lived.
I feel you.
It's depression that is making you feel this way. You only get one chance at life(that we know of for sure) and since you're not going to kill yourself, you might as well keep making attempts at getting better, no? Try again tomorrow. And if it doesn't happen, try again the next day. Each day is a new day to try again, and hopefully one of those days is the start of a journey that doesn't end.
The time between right now and your death is going to pass no matter what, it's up to you how enjoyable, or miserable, that time is.
It's depression that is making you feel this way. You only get one chance at life(that we know of for sure) and since you're not going to kill yourself, you might as well keep making attempts at getting better, no? Try again tomorrow. And if it doesn't happen, try again the next day. Each day is a new day to try again, and hopefully one of those days is the start of a journey that doesn't end.
The time between right now and your death is going to pass no matter what, it's up to you how enjoyable, or miserable, that time is.
On another note, it's a slap in the face that if your close friends and family didn't care about you when you lived, but suddenly show up and realized they care a lot about you after you're dead. I never got that...tis why I hate funerals and find them to be a complete farce.
I thought it was just me
This story is very very familiar. I can understand exactly what youre going through. I still am very depressed....alot. The only thing is. I want to die NOW. I'm trying my best to not kill myself because religiously speaking, I dont know what awaits me on the other side if I do. Thats what has stopped me all this time from doing it. Also, I cant find a not so painful way to do it. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have a seizure disorder along with all of this. IT'S CRAZY.
This story is very very familiar. I can understand exactly what youre going through. I still am very depressed....alot. The only thing is. I want to die NOW. I'm trying my best to not kill myself because religiously speaking, I dont know what awaits me on the other side if I do. Thats what has stopped me all this time from doing it. Also, I cant find a not so painful way to do it. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have a seizure disorder along with all of this. IT'S CRAZY.
i can relate.
i dot think its depression though. ive pretty much always been this way. i feel like i run at a completely different frequency than every one else. i just can relate to other homan beings, my sig describes it.
ive been fixated for a while on my death too. the difference is i dont want a funeral, i dont even what them to find my body. i keep having these recurring thoughts/images of me disappear in yosemite national park and never be found again.
i dot think its depression though. ive pretty much always been this way. i feel like i run at a completely different frequency than every one else. i just can relate to other homan beings, my sig describes it.
ive been fixated for a while on my death too. the difference is i dont want a funeral, i dont even what them to find my body. i keep having these recurring thoughts/images of me disappear in yosemite national park and never be found again.
And it goes on and on and on... heaven and hell.
I want to explode like Mega Man and turn into a pile of dust to be swept up among the stars.
I want to explode like Mega Man and turn into a pile of dust to be swept up among the stars.
I've been In the same position as you before I know exactly how you feel. From what you wrote though it seems as if you don't really want to die. Your tired of suffering and want change now. Were all going to die one day any way. You have nothing to gain by dying, death offers nothing. "I don't even want to be reincarnated anymore, only if I am guaranteed a good life in my next life." That pretty much says it all. You just want to be happy again and live a fulfilling life.
I see death as an end to all my troubles and worries and problems. I am not afraid of it. But i wouldn't go trying to end my own life.
ill make it short cause who really cares anyways
I give. the world and its evil thieves have done me in for the last time. The state my own mother and father and my daughter too. Well you cant hurt me anymore. The pain stops today. Yup im a coward so what. At least you cant hurt me anymore. Nobody can. Why should anyone but me have the right to destroy me. Last words. Wake up people and join hands to love and say words of love. Change within one step at a time. And theres no hell its a fictional place only in your mind. Good bye everyone. Do the right thing
I give. the world and its evil thieves have done me in for the last time. The state my own mother and father and my daughter too. Well you cant hurt me anymore. The pain stops today. Yup im a coward so what. At least you cant hurt me anymore. Nobody can. Why should anyone but me have the right to destroy me. Last words. Wake up people and join hands to love and say words of love. Change within one step at a time. And theres no hell its a fictional place only in your mind. Good bye everyone. Do the right thing
I'll never be ready to die.
Gotta engage life at full throttle. Not stopping, unless I have to pee.
Gotta engage life at full throttle. Not stopping, unless I have to pee.
"i'm ready to die
a sword, a switchblade, any way you cut it
i'm not afraid, i know i'm going to get it
oh maker! (of such fine products
as palm trees, and the dead sea)
don't pardon me, there's nothing rude
things conclude, things conclude!"
a sword, a switchblade, any way you cut it
i'm not afraid, i know i'm going to get it
oh maker! (of such fine products
as palm trees, and the dead sea)
don't pardon me, there's nothing rude
things conclude, things conclude!"
But why do we need to try to live, why to force ourselfs to do do so? In the name of what? I want to die and I want to kill myself. The only thing that keeps me alive is the thought of my mother and sister suffering. I love them so much. I want to set myself free I want to cut my veins and feel the life escaping my body along with the river of the blood .... I want to sleep for eternity I want to cease to exist. And I'm getting close I want this so much.
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