That is interesting. Most socializing is "fake" or shallow in order to get to sincere and meaningful socializing. Where we can "open" up and disrobe our mental and emotional selves. You are learning the equivalent of "the basics". Once you get the basics down you can explore making it an art form that serves your purpose. Just a thought.

 

Something I find helpful is to remember to focus on what others are saying instead of worrying about what they might be thinking of me. Sometimes it is not so easy - my mind can easily drift off and I start to wonder if I've said enough, and then worry about what they might be thinking of me, and then find I'm not hearing any of the conversation. But if I banish those thoughts and concentrate on what others are actually saying then it goes OK.

Of course all formal human interaction feels fake and odd. That's because it isn't really natural, it is a game to a very large extent. But learning to play the game (at least a little) is the price we have to pay in order to get to more natural interactions.

Mike.

 

I think everyone has an "on" button they push when they socialize. I can't always find mine, but its there :lol Pushing the on button can seem kind of fake.

I think I've done what you describe, which is learn to socialize enough to function. I can appear to enjoy socializing for brief periods, or for longer periods in rare circumstances that really favor my needs. I sometimes enjoy the actual experience, but afterwards I always feel drained. Even when it went well.

On a side note, I don't hear all that much about how people's therapy goes, but I like the approach your therapist is taking. Hope it helps.

 

First of all, you have a great therapist to go to that extent with you. Most wouldn't.

I don't enjoy socializing most of the time. It's a forced activity, like pretending to like cross country skiing when it's really about as much fun as listening to opera. My problem is, I don't connect with people and it's actually gotten worse over the years. I still have that feeling that I'm different from everyone else.

 

My current therapist is actually a psych student at University of Miami, so maybe that has something to do with her being so involved in my therapies...Maybe Im sort of her "project," haha. Yeah she is great, sadly she told me she's moving to another state & is leaving the school this summer ...Im really bummed about that. :sigh

Im wondering if that feeling of social fakeness is only felt by SADers or do non-SADers feel it too but just shrug it off...

 

Im wondering if that feeling of social fakeness is only felt by SADers or do non-SADers feel it too but just shrug it off...

I think that non-SADers feel the social fakeness but just shrug it off. Then again for them it is not a big deal as they not have to deal with the fear we face in these situations. We are overcoming the fear of SAD to engage in social fakeness which is exhausting.

 

Wow, your therapist sounds really cool. Every therapist I had just suggested that I talk to people and left it at that.

I also feel fake when I try to socialize...and I hate that because I can't stand fake people...

 

I think everyone fakes it when socializing. I think I have an aversion to being fake because I spend a lot of time on the outside, socially, looking in at people interact. I noticed that one of the main differences between myself and more successful people, was that they were able to "perform" or play a role. Probably out of envy, I learned to hate that performing ability, and when I try to play a role, I feel conflicted at best.

 

I read something last night that made a lot of sense. When interacting with others, notice commonalities. I'm not talking about shared interests or appearance, but the fact that we are breathing the same air and have a similar existence in nature. If you become aware of these things, relating to others becomes more natural.

It sounds good in theory, anyway. I'll have to try it next time I talk to somebody.

 

I don't think of it as faking but I used to. I think its likened to the same analogy as what christians call living in the spirit where you discipline yourself despite how you feel. It may not seem genuine but in reality it may be the real them. They are exercisng their spirit. I am not a christian anymore but the parelell is good to draw from. Most people really do not fake but they are trying to be nice, and speak out of hope, and draw on good things despite how they feel in the present. That is a good thing to do. I think it only is fake when the good emotion is really exaggerated but it many cases they are honestly wanting to laugh. In general it is just them disciplining themselves. That is what you are sensing. The spirit and soul difference. If their body is not properly nourished then you sense this in their emotion too. The body also affects their emotions you sense under their talk. Most people are good people that are overworked with alot of responsibilities and they have alot on their mind. They are only trying to give you the best they can. Try to think of it that way.

 

In my younger years socializing wasn't something I thought much about because it just seemed to happen. But as I grew older it's as if I switched bodies or minds with someone else. Even though I was a quiet kid I had a fair amount of friends but that number grew smaller as the years passed. Fast forward forty years and I feel like someone dropped me off on the wrong planet. I often find myself watching other people and thinking that I am like none of them and could never be. Even though I can initialize a conversation it doesn't mean I can keep it going and the day to day work place socializing is even harder. I know everyone has their own things to deal with but to me they still look more comfortable on any given day than I ever have in my life time.

 

This describes how I feel for the most part although I do have very social days (and they are few and far in between)

 

The worst part for me about socializing is that my mind goes blank when I am reaching for something to say to start a conversation or to keep it going. Totally blank. I just stare at the person I'm socializing with and feel like a total idiot. After a while, they walk away. Thank goodness this doesn't happen all the time, but it happens often enough to become an issue. I envy people who can say something off the top of their head, they just seem to know what to say in any social situation.

 

Oh, I totally get feeling fake. Fake smile, fake laughing even, making perfunctory small talk. I observe how other people act (e.g., laughing hard over something that isn't really funny) and just mirror it back. But I'm uncomfortable, so I think that people see through me and know that I really want to be somewhere else.

 

Oh, I totally get feeling fake. Fake smile, fake laughing even, making perfunctory small talk. I observe how other people act (e.g., laughing hard over something that isn't really funny) and just mirror it back. But I'm uncomfortable, so I think that people see through me and know that I really want to be somewhere else.

:ditto

 

MASLOW and GINERDAWN you have hit the nail on the head, for me anyway.

MECHAGIRL at my age you come to realize that all "socializing" is fake. It is a silly ritual we hang on to so we appear "well bred" (in the old days) or "polictally correct" (modern days). I loath it, quite frankly, and that is why I do not socialize as I cannot deal with the rot that goes on!
To this day I cannot say "good night" to anyone as I troop off to bed. In the the 1950's, during the wool boom, there were great and wonderful cocktail parties at my parents house. When it came to bedtime the children had to "do the rounds" and say "good night" to every blasted stuck up person there. It was totally and utterly fake, all this social protocol and to this day I view it with distain.

 

Another thing that Im currently having trouble with in my therapy exposures is answering personal questions. Like Ive posted about here before, b/c my SA has me disabled & has always kept me single, I hate when people ask me about what I do for a living, or where I went to school, if Im married, have bf, ect...I try to explain without revealing I have SA or on disability but I end up rambling & making no sense. How do you explain to someone who works 9-5 that you do not work & just do stuff around the house, offer no valid reason as to why, without making it come off as you are a freeloader who's just lucky to be able live with mom so you can just sit around all day. I wish I didn't have to answer these types of questions when I socialize...but you are expected to or if not you're considered rude, a snob or a weird loner. :rain

 

I think socializing certainly can feel fake when it's a new skill that we are working on. It's sort of like any skill that is new to us. We don't first get on a bicycle and know how to ride well, or first sit down at a piano and know how to play Beethoven. It's someting that takes practice, practice, practice. The more we do it the more we become familiarized with it, the more comfortable it feels, the more our sense of capability increases. As to answering personal questions about your SA, you can give as much or as little information as you feel comfortable giving. Be vague if neccessary, or just say you don't like talking about that subject, than change the tide of the conversation by asking the person the same question they've just asked you or asking them something else you would like to know about them.

 

I just cant ever see myself enjoying talking to people. :|

+1
With me it's like I'm trying to be someone I'm not, "betraying" who I really am (or have become). When I'm around people I feel physically different and I hate being that person.
It's as if there's this little voice in my head saying "What the hell do you think you're doing?!?! Just quit it!". :|

 

I know what you mean.I become overly aware of my facial expressions, mannerisms,sound of my voice etc. Something will lodge in my head as a good thing to say- but it won't exactly match what they are talking about. I know this as the words are leaving my mouth but it's already to late!

 

Maybe as individuals with SA we have wired ourselves in a way that the natural human element of socializing is foreign to us. Having said that, I was recently informed by the 2 people who took care of me the most outside of my parents (my Dads youngest brother and sister) that as a toddler I was always one to keep to myself and would be playing with my toys alone and be protective of possessions etc. This is interesting to me as it's definately shaped the way I am today.

I often find that socialising is a really fake thing and I'm referring to stuff like weddings, parties, clubs and functions/events. I just feel as though people are fake and not being themselves as compared to everyday life. Maybe it's just me (or us) but I find it all a big to do about nothing really. I've felt different socially with people I've spent my whole life with such as family (eg at a wedding) than I have when in a non confronting environment such as a lunch at home with the same people.

I honestly have succumbed to the fact that I'll never be an extrovert social type who loves to go out and have that big circle of friends and always going to nightspots, events and parties and whilst a large part of me longs for that connection and desire to be social and consistently outgoing, a small (but still relevant) part of me wants to accept that maybe it's not who I am at all and that this is perfectly fine, even though it's not seen as something that's a desirable and favourable quality to have (being the social type that is).

 

I think a lot of people with SA who have never been social in their life have very high expectations of the "social world." Correct me if I'm wrong but when you say "fake" are you referring to the fact that, in group situations such as parties and weddings people make small talk with each other? I've noticed small talk and ego boosting tend to make up most of the conversation. Then, when people are one on one or with a smaller group they let their guard down. I think the "point" of bigger group functions is to simply "check in with each other" and 'have fun." Also, big group situations might arouse anxiety in "normal" people which may cause them to act more superficial or fake.

I think when you determine whether you are a "social person" or not really comes down to your level of interest in other people. If you are interested in people you know and feel the need to "check in" with them on a regular basis than you are a "social person." If you are not that interested in others or are only interested in a few special people than you may not be a "social person." Either way, in my opinion, it's your call.

 

I stopped trying, b/c it seems everytime I try I end up looking like a fool.

 

I put on my happy face & try to play the best actress I can when I walk out my front door. Goals- learn new things, bring joy to others, help anyone who needs a friend.

The goals are real, but my acting might be terrible.

 

Me too. I think because I don't know who I am. I never accepted myself, and feel like im always someone else, and don't know who to be or who I am. I get nervous and i never know what to expect of myself. I can be nice and sweet or a real ***** that just dosnt want to even bother with anyone. I am not choosing this. Its like someone else is controlling me. I hate this.

 

I put on a great mask when I have to. I have to be fake every day of my life when I am inteacting with other people. Just simply when they say how are you? And I answer " great !!"

I am a Gemini, and there are two discinct parts to myself. One part is someone who can be quite engaged and help others. I can sound great. Its not really fake. The other side is pretty much a mess. And thats the part of me that has to be fake when talking with other people. Over the past couple of years, the strong side of me has waned. While the mess side of me becomes more prominent. So the fake mask is utilized whenever I am interacting with other people.

 

To the OP, that's a wonderful therapist, there ought to be more like that, who are more involved, hands on. I had a life consultant to whom I disclosed that I was socially phobic, partly agora, and she did meet me in public places to help me get morecomfortable.

Regarding social situations, and I am assuming this means events mostly like parties and the like, it is awkward because it is mostly superficial, but sometimes you might meet some one who you can have a real convo with. Just because the situation is superficial, doesn't mean you have to be; but not to disclose overly personal info. either, no one likes TMI. And people do know when you are being genuine and when you are not. I have actually met one or two people who did seem to be superficial, who didn't like me because I was being sincere. But for the most part, some people do. I have had to put on a mask, initially, until I find ways to relax.

Now, at a party, the worst is where you don't know any one and I can't just go up to people and start gabbing like some one else can. If I have to, I will consume a beer or glass of wine to loosen me up a bit, but have to be careful about that.

Socializing is hard for shy,introverted people, it really is, Sometimes I will find another person like me at an event, who is more quiet, and keeps to themselves. It takes a good deal of effort for an introvert, and I've found ways to cope.

There have been times when I've gotten butterflies in my stomach and have to excuse myself and go to the bathroom for a time-out, because it is exhausting.