I feel like it's something perhaps you have picked up as you're growing up. Unfortunately there isn't much that can teach you how to be witty or amusing to people. I think being lighthearted and less serious is the key. If you ask questions to people like you're interviewing them, they will be turned off. It helps if you know a lot of pop culture and have mainstream interests, then you can share witty comments about those things.

I don't know what to do to improve :/ I've tried practicising conversations with people but I feel stuck with this issue where I sound too serious and not witty or interesting.

 

To be honest, I've more often had the thought "Wow some people have such a basic lack of conversational skills." So often it is ME who is the most socially skilled one. I can make smalltalk, find common ground, ask people about themselves and just generally hit it off and make a good conversation. But so many people just seem to lack such basic common courtesy. They don't initiate. They answer in yes or no answers and don't elaborate. They don't care about you at all and don't ask any questions of you. I so often find conversations are a one way street and I do all the talking and make the effort... and yet, those same people who seem to me to lack such social skills somehow have friends....

I dunno, maybe it is just shyness or an unwillingness to meet new people but so many times I just wanna shake someone and say get your damn act together. And I don't accept it is SA. I know what SA is any when someone has it and 9 times out of 10 in these sorts of situations the person doesn't have SA and just plainly lacks social skills. Don't confuse being shy as lacking social skills. I am shy and yet I still have social skills.

 

To be honest, I've more often had the thought "Wow some people have such a basic lack of conversational skills." So often it is ME who is the most socially skilled one. I can make smalltalk, find common ground, ask people about themselves and just generally hit it off and make a good conversation. But so many people just seem to lack such basic common courtesy. They don't initiate. They answer in yes or no answers and don't elaborate. They don't care about you at all and don't ask any questions of you. I so often find conversations are a one way street and I do all the talking and make the effort... and yet, those same people who seem to me to lack such social skills somehow have friends....

I dunno, maybe it is just shyness or an unwillingness to meet new people but so many times I just wanna shake someone and say get your damn act together. And I don't accept it is SA. I know what SA is any when someone has it and 9 times out of 10 in these sorts of situations the person doesn't have SA and just plainly lacks social skills. Don't confuse being shy as lacking social skills. I am shy and yet I still have social skills.

I can empathise with that. In the case of people that seem to have bad social skills and give one word answers, it might be because they are just disinterested. That might explain why they happen to be successful with making friends. It is frustrating to no end when this behaviour happens though. Sometimes I can't figure out if someone I am talking to is just shy or is bad at talking or just doesn't care enough to take an interest in me. I try to understand and put myself in their shoes but often it is for the best to move on to someone who does at least seem like they want to talk to you.

 

It bothers me even more when I see someone younger than me, like a school kid, be better at talking than me because it feels like they're smarter or more mature than me even though I'm older. They're so quick, sharp and intuitive when in social situations and good at making friends, it really brings me down.

When I try having a conversation with someone it's usually one sided with me just nodding my head and going "mhmm" or "yeah", or when I do try and contribute I stutter and mumble and my sentences are broken and incoherent. Embarrassing stuff. I hardly ever know what to say in a conversation, I always overthink it. For everyone else, it's so natural and easy.

It feels like social skills can't be learned, they're instinctive, you either have them or you don't. If you don't, too bad, you suck in life.

 

It's just one of those things, you either have it or you don't. I find usually these sorts of people are extremely active socially; they might have very social jobs that involve dealing with people, they have a lot of social hobbies, come from a big family, that sort of thing. That's why they are so good at the gift of the gab because they are always talking to people. Like anything, the more you do it the better you normally become at it.

 

Yep.

Sometimes when I'm in large conversational groups I look around at the others around me and I'm genuinely in awe at them. They are so good at talking! What I mean by this is that they know exactly what to say. They're sharp, witty, funny, clever, they can contribute to conversations well, they make others feel good, and they do it so well and so at ease.

Seriously...where do people learn that? Is it innate or comes with practise?

I wish I could be like that. All I know how to do is sit quietly and listen to everyone else. I'm never ever funny. I guess in a social setting i'm in anxiety mode, my mind processes things more slow and i can't catch up on time to what people are saying. I guess I'm constantly thinking about myself more than others...that's my problem.

i just wish i could be a good talker. i think it is a gift.

I feel ya. I wish I could do it too.

I can manage responding and maybe an opener, but I can't for the life of me keep a conversation going. I have nothing to talk about.

 

It is not just about talking, it is also about body language, the way you present yourself to others.

By being fully immersed in a conversation, you subconsciously take note of small cues that the person you're speaking with gives away, either through their body language or tone of voice. This allows you to determine exactly what to say in order to evoke certain emotions or responses in them, and keep the conversation going. Those with a large circle of friends, family and acquaintances, have an equally large archive of these so called "cues" stored in their mind.

When you have such a large database of hints of what to say and do in certain social situations, it becomes easy to form relationships with others. You also become very efficient, subconsciously cross-referencing what you already know, to that of someone you just met, in order to decide if he/she is worth your time. This is where first impressions come into play.

 

It is not just about talking, it is also about body language, the way you present yourself to others.

By being fully immersed in a conversation, you subconsciously take note of small cues that the person you're speaking with gives away, either through their body language or tone of voice. This allows you to determine exactly what to say in order to evoke certain emotions or responses in them, and keep the conversation going. Those with a large circle of friends, family and acquaintances, have an equally large archive of these so called "cues" stored in their mind.

When you have such a large database of hints of what to say and do in certain social situations, it becomes easy to form relationships with others. You also become very efficient, subconsciously cross-referencing what you already know, to that of someone you just met, in order to decide if he/she is worth your time. This is where first impressions come into play.

Great post.

Even if you don't currently have a large circle of friends or a very active social life (as in my case) - if you have in the past you can draw on it and use what you learnt before. You just do it without thinking about it.

 

and on top of that we give out creepy vibes....

 

I think most of it comes from the anxiety - pretty obviously.

I went to another meetup the other day - in the past I've been to lots of them, mostly for either people with bipolar disorder (or mood disorders generally) and for people with anxiety/depression. The one on Saturday was for bipolar people. A lady commented on how different it was at the bipolar one - we all talk a lot. At the anxiety ones they don't - it's as simple as that.

When the anxiety is not there, or is a lot less, you start to learn what makes people laugh, how to talk to them etc. You care a lot less about their response too - because you know you can adjust it and do better next time. You stop caring as much.

 

I notice that. Life looks rehearsed, I didn't get the script.

 

It's just that some people are born with it, and some people get it from being around people often. I know because I have SA, am an introvert, yet I poeple tell me I'm good at talking.

 

High school boy here. Have I noticed how others are so good at talking? Definitely. You kinda have to in order to gain any sort of good reputation in HS. Am I jealous of them? No, not really. Although I'm a loner, it couldn't be any prouder. Talking just simply wears me out, even if its with friends. I mean, really -- if I were to be talking 24/7 every day at school, I'd be completely wore out. So basically, I'm a proud introvert.

 

It's a matter of introversion vs extroversion. Go read the book Quiet by Susan Cain.

It is possible to get better at conversation though with lot's of practice.


I'm an introvert and tend to prefer to sit and listen to conversations instead of being the center. But I can push myself, I get extremely tired though. I also have the bad habit of believing I have to entertain people or being a conversation starter if no one is talking. I hate that. I have to constantly remind myself that is not true.

 

It's a matter of introversion vs extroversion. Go read the book Quiet by Susan Cain.

I also have the bad habit of believing I have to entertain people or being a conversation starter if no one is talking. I hate that. I have to constantly remind myself that is not true.

It's common, that's why they call it "awkward silence" i.e implying that not talking is embarrassing

So don't worry. 0

 

Its not a gift man this come with practice ,i remember at first that i was terified and i was blushing and my brain was stoping but i make courage myself and i confront my fears and i succed after many failures i can speak nice in public .The secret of this people its that they take initiative and confront theys fears at begining you may fail but doing it all the time will come a day when you will be make a great speach and this will give confidence in you and boooom you succede ,this its the secret

 

When I'm in a huge crowd, I tend to say nothing and only laugh when others laugh. Or I'll just look around me for absolutely no reason.

 

I always look at two people deep in conversation and realise I couldn't possibly be good enough at conversation or know enough to be discussing something in that depth with someone.

 

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I'll just listen to a group of people and same as you, be pretty amazed. Like why is something so simple, so difficult for me? Why don't I have this skill? It makes me feel like an outcast and inferior. Very frustrating.

 

I think it's both a gift and a skill. Some people are just born with a good intuition for how others are feeling and how they'll react... but if you've ever talked to little kids you've seen how socially clueless they can be. The kind of things they say when they meet strangers, or at family gatherings, or things they just repeat from TV or their parents without thinking. People with social anxiety I think also overestimate the skill of others in many cases who are just people not too worried about what they say, so it looks like they must know some secret we don't.

 

I have noticed that compared to me, practically everyone is a master at talking. I am not witty, not clever, not interesting, and I struggle to think of what to say when spoken to; I usually reply one word answers or close to that. I have an inability to socialize properly, and I don't enjoy socializing either, because I can't feel those good feelings most people seem to feel whilst socializing.

 

To be a good conversationalist requires good skills, which means practice. I'm meeting some people for dinner this evening and on the way there, I'm going to practice talking about things like the debates last night and other things. The better you get at it, the more you enjoy it, so the more you want to do it.

 

That's only because they've been doing that all their lives, practice makes perfect as they always say. It's so obvious. Which is why we can't do it, what have we been doing all our lives?

 

Exactly. It's a skill you develop with use and learning.

In contrast, a lot of us have probably spent a lot of our time brooding and crap. Counterproductive if experience serves.