Hey LostGirl,
This is exactly how I feel when I'm with a group of people or even with just one person. My biggest problem is that I never have "anything to say" or "interesting" stuff for that matter. I can easily approach people or be around a group of people, but I look like a complete loser for not knowing what to say. Like you mentioned, "Most of the time im just sitting there and listening," the samething goes for me too. And this is the reason why I've avoided social situations, because of not knowing what to say. I know exactly what your going through.. You aren't alone...

 

It's frustrating, isn't it?

It seems like people are scared of breaks in conversation, they cant sit there in silence for more than 2 minutes without starting small talk. But I can't do it, I can't think of anything to say. Sometimes I've found myself making things up just to get a few sentences in so that I don't come across as mute. :no And I hate myself for doing that.

I get angry when some smart-arse tells me im being too quiet. They don't realize how hard I'm digging in my head trying to find something, anything, to say to them. There's just nothing there for me.

 

It's frustrating, isn't it?

It seems like people are scared of breaks in conversation, they cant sit there in silence for more than 2 minutes without starting small talk. But I can't do it, I can't think of anything to say. Sometimes I've found myself making things up just to get a few sentences in so that I don't come across as mute. :no And I hate myself for doing that.

I get angry when some smart-arse tells me im being too quiet. They don't realize how hard I'm digging in my head trying to find something, anything, to say to them. There's just nothing there for me.

wow this is crazy and i thought i was the only one frustrated with this problem....my mind constantly draws a blank when im in a social setting. The constant blank mind causes me to go out of my way to avoid social interaction or to just hide in my room. Ive been struggling with friends and even family now and it really is frustrating

another thing ive noticed about myself is that if i feel a conversation is dying whether its between my father or sister and i feel a silence coming on i automatically get uncomfortable and depending on how long the silence is I have to get up and go into another room to get a breathe of fresh air or I just go back to my room...And much like what you said, I also find myself making up things to say just to fill in the silence.. Am I going crazy here??

 

I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.

Anyone else feel that?

Yeah Although in my case, I really am boring.

 

Are you interested in people's lives? If so, ask them questions until they say something you can relate to. Of course, this can be overdone. If you never open up about yourself and just ask questions, people will get annoyed. But, in my experience, most non-SAers really like to talk about themselves, and if you show genuine interest by asking questions, they will like to talk to you. Also, people don't really judge your life as harshly as you might think; that's coming from yourself, not from other people. I for one would be far more interested in you than in girls with lots of stories about wild, drunken nights out. If you're young, you'll see how this changes.

 

One thing that bothers me is when people call me "quiet". I could be in a social setting and someone would go "Why are you so quiet?" as if by magic I'll snap out of it and suddenly become talkative.

It bothers me that when I'm in a group setting and everyone is talking and being part of the conversation, I just sit there and listen. It's as if there's nothing for me to say, nothing to share with them. My mind goes blank.

I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.

Anyone else feel that?

yer i used to feel so boring when everyone is in a group taking turns to tell stories about things theyve done .

it used to p!ss me off that i ''didnt have a story to tell'' and id get really down in the dumps about it.

now though i dont let it bother. i accept that sa takes a big chunk out of people's lives and that i just having to let that chunk of my life go and focus on getting over this thing and experiemcing life in the NOW so that in the future ill have plenty of stories to tell

 

Yeah, I have a hard time finding what to say to people and never feel like I have anything interesting or witty to say. I didn't party and go to clubs and all that, so there's not much to talk about. But I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed "boring" and if someone still likes me then great, and if not, then it's their loss.

 

LostGirl, I think the best thing that you could do if it's brought up is to tell the people you're with that you never really experienced parties or clubs, but you always wanted to. They would probably do the "Really!?" reactions, but after that I bet they would all love to take you out so you could experience it, and you might make some friends in the process. It may seem like the wrong thing to say, but it works. That's how I made some friends because I just told them and they couldn't get me to a club fast enough. After that, I got invited to more stuff and just built relationships with some of the people who took me.

 

Yeah, even when I'm with an old friend. I'm not even too uncomfortable in that case - I just have nothing to say. She knows all about my childhood already, my classes and grades in college, and my views in politics and religion. It's not necessarily one of those comfortable silences you imagine that old couples have.

 

I can relate completely. Whenever I get together with an old friend of mine who I haven't seen awhile she always asks me if there's anything new going on in my life and I NEVER have much to share! She always has so many interesting stories and experiences and it seems like my life the past few years has just been one long boring journey.

I notice though that since I don't have a lot of interesting stories to share my conversations start to delve more onto deeper issues which doesn't really require funny anecdotes. That's fine and all, but, most times, people just want to have fun, and talk about fun stuff, and that's where I get stuck. Actually, I know I can be fun it's just that it's more of making short silly/goofy remarks. Rather, than being more preferably witty and charming, which gains much more respect and interest from others.

 

I know the feeling. It feels like my brain just shuts off around people and then turns back on when I'm alone. Think way, way too much when I'm alone almost seemingly to make up for lost time. Sadly, I know I'm capable of being an interesting person but I just have trouble expressing myself. I'm just too quiet and negative to do so most of the time.

 

This is so me! But most of the time I prefer to be alone and to be left alone. For me its not only a matter of not having anything to say but I actually love being in total silence as if I am in an endless meditation. Its not that I don't like people but I am also fed up with having to force myself to talk, it can get so exhausting both mentally and physically. Yes and its really annoying when people keep telling you you're so quiet and timid and to snap out of it.

 

I like being a listener and hate when people mention how I'm so quiet. Sometimes I want to say something and don't, but other times I just want to hear what other people have to say.

 

Heres an amazing realization I had when working on becoming more talkative, conversation is not a physical exchange of sounds and infromation, its an unconcious vibe shared between 2 or more people, basically conversation is not as much as the words, its about the vibe that goes on, to let it flow you gotta be dialed on the same vibe as the peopel who are talkign, you do not address conversation logically, for example with a group of friends who know eachother the vibe that is set is easily entered by any of those friends, with new people people tend to think its any different when its not.

I used to go into convo thinking itd be akward, WRONG, go in assumign rapport, the second you talk assumign people will talk back and be interested is the second youll put up a good vibe, people can FEEL this, lead and people will follow.

 

I'm always quiet around people I don't know. Then it's like that's who I become, the quiet girl who never talks, and if I have something to say I'll keep it to myself because talking would be so out of character.

 

Yeah, it's like it's expected. I'd be embarrassed by the fact that I started talking and people would wonder why.

 

I hate being asked "what's going on with you." My answer is always nothing much. Everyone always wants to catch up but there isn't really any catching up to do with me. My life is still work and then working out. That's all I basically do. In my 20s, I dreaded road trips with my girlfriends because I was stuck in the car with them for 4-5 hrs, and there is to do is talk. They all had these wonderful stories, and I had absolutely nothing. And I still don't.

 

With most people I find myself nodding and saying things like "yeah, that's true" a lot. Its gotten to the point where I am so sick of that (I hardly ever know what to say around new people) so I just avoid new people most of the time. Sometimes I think "some people who talk all the time - half of what they're saying is not thoughtful" but its not always true. My mind indeed goes blank a lot of the time. Later on I think of things I could have said. *Sigh* Sometimes when I DO think of things to say my avoidant personality gets in the way. "I should express my opinion on what they're talking about but I don't want to get into an argument".

 

My mind goes blank in almost all social situations, it's very frustrating. And then like the minute I leave the situation, my brain returns and I think of something I could have said.
I also don't think people really care what I have to say either, so I just don't say anything.

I'm naturally not talkative though. I enjoy just listening most of the time.

 

At school this is EXACTLY what I go through. Not so with people I know well.

 

Yeah i get that alot in larger groups. I'm usually fine with small groups like up to five people but any more and i seem to withdraw. For me, part of it is that i'm somewhat softspoken and that i feel like i'm shouting when trying to talk over lots of other people.

In these settings, I often try to look disinterested instead of shy but that doesn't really help my situation.

 

I have this problem all the time too. Even with people I'm comfortable with, I'll usually just have nothing to say. Some people can just talk about anything and everything, but I just can't think of anything to say, even on topics I'm interested in. I think this is the whole reason I have SA. I mean, if I could be confident that I could carry out a normal conversation with people then I wouldn't be scared at all of social situations. I may not enjoy them, but I wouldn't fear them.

I wonder if there is a way we can train our brain to improve our conversation skills? There's probably an area in our brains that's not as active as 'normal' people but maybe there are mental exercises that we can do to try and kick it into gear?

 

I feel like this almost all the time. It's probably one of the main reasons I constantly avoid everything. I have no idea what to say to people and that's also the reason I tend to lose contact with the people who are already in my life. It's also the reason why I can't seem to form any online friendships on this forum or elsewhere. It really sucks but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it. I have always been quiet and tending to withdraw. I have never been that guy who had a lot to say in conversations because I just didn't have anything to say.

Sometimes when I do try to make a new friend or just get to know someone, eventually it just always fails because they lose interest in me because of how quiet, boring and empty I am.

Is there anything that can be done? I feel doomed to a life of loneliness and misery because of this...

I have this problem all the time too. Even with people I'm comfortable with, I'll usually just have nothing to say. Some people can just talk about anything and everything, but I just can't think of anything to say, even on topics I'm interested in. I think this is the whole reason I have SA. I mean, if I could be confident that I could carry out a normal conversation with people then I wouldn't be scared at all of social situations. I may not enjoy them, but I wouldn't fear them.

I agree with you. If I was confident I was always able to say something and carry a conversation I think my SA would be all but nonexistent. But I just have so many experiences of situations where it's just awkward silence because I just can't bring myself to say anything...

 

I'm terrable when it comes to social situations. I always feel like I have nothing to talk about. When I can't think of anything else to talk about I'll usually just talk about the weather, something I saw on the news, or some pointless remark about something in the suroundings like a picture or something. This usually breaks the ice for more indepth conversations. That's the hard part. Realy conversation. Small talk is easy but once we start on any kind of subject I get very nervous and I can't think. But I just talk about what I know. It's not always the most interesting thing in the world but it's all I've really got. And more often than not I come off as pretty interesting. For instance, while one of my friends are talking about alcahol I can talk about how it reacts with the orgins in your body and what it does to the different parts of your brain. This may seem pretty boring to me but for someone who just drinks and doesn't know it could be interesting. And it's really all you need to do to be a part of the conversation. Even if it's not that interesting to hear.

For the most part I don't speak in any social situation. When I do it's, like I said, something science related, a book I read, or some crazy philisophical arguement. It's all I found I need to do to feel connected with the one or two people around me. I probably come off as strange but, hey, I still have friends and people still hang out with me.

I also stay away from large groups. I can't stand them. If I go to a big party I'm fine for the first thirty minutes or so. And then it hits me and the pressure really starts weighing down on me. I only go to parties that I know there's only going to be like five or six people there. If there's any more than ten I usually don't stay very long. I'll just say hello to the people I know. Pretty much everyone I hang out with relizes I'm socially retarded so I don't feel strange about it anymore. I just be myself... or at least try to.

 

Yea I agree with everyone it's like i'm not social so there is nothing for me to really say. If I get into A situation where people are talking around me I think to myself I never do anything of what is being talked about so i'm basically just sitting there..

It's all downhill... People with SA aren't usually outgoing therefore we don't talk about our "active" lives, we can't relate so we don't say anything and things just get worse...

 

I relate. I havn't opened my mouth to tell somebody a story for so long now that if I tried I'm not sure I could. I'm always the quietest guy and usually just sorta listening within the group or if its a one-to-one situation I feel obliged to make platitudinous remarks just to show that I'm listening when in actual fact I couldn't care less about how drunk they got on the weekend and the epic stories that ensued. Social skill and actual interest in talking are very low for me. I do not necessitate being constantly talkative.

 

I don't see what party and clubbing stories have to do with anything. I mean, I go out sometimes and funny stuff happens, but I still don't have much to talk about. Why do we have to be talking again?

At least sometimes I notice other quiet people.. Of course I never talk to them.

 

My problem is that everything I find to be interesting is too "out there" for most people to be interested in. So it has become natural for me to always be "quiet" because I have little care for the boring, mundane conversations that take place everyday. I have deep, philosophical conversations with those close to me and cherish those above any "normal conversation" with anyone else. Those thoughts are the things that inhabit my thoughts at all hours of the day. I have questioned things that other people tell me to stop questioning. They see no point in thinking beyond what MTV thinks and what their other friends who watch MTV think.

When I converse, I want it to be meaningful and worthwhile. Having someone tell me about a party they went to last night and how many drinks they had is enough to make me call it an early night.

Also, I've found that no one likes to talk about books. Mention a movie or a tv show and you won't be able to keep the crowd off of you. But a book? No way. Too much work.

 

When I converse, I want it to be meaningful and worthwhile. Having someone tell me about a party they went to last night and how many drinks they had is enough to make me call it an early night.

I TOTALLY understand! It really sucks that getting to know someone involves a lot of smalltalk. I am TERRIBLE with smalltalk and hate it so much because I have a hard time relating. I don't party, I am not into sports, I don't have "fun" weekends, I am not into racing, I don't have any children...etc. These are typical smalltalk type things. In order to get to having "real" conversations with people, you need to get past the small talk and I rarely ever can. :sigh

I wish there was a way to just skip over the small talk. I love having "real" conversations. I like discussing politics, outlooks on life, religion, etc. But you can't talk about that right off the bat.

 

I often enjoy listening more adding to the conversation, and I draw blanks as well which are often filled after the conversation has passed. I also find that with small talk I sometimes really don't care about what's being discussed so I don't join in. If people talked about deep issues more frequently then I think my situation could be different.

 

I feel this way too. I have many interests, but I don't seem to find a lot of people in my age group that share them. It seems most people like to talk about other people, TV shows I don't watch, music I don't listen to, sports I don't care about, or else parenthood, which I am not part of. I often feel like I'm boring to most people. It makes it hard to make friends.

Even if I get in a conversation about something I like, I have issues with drawing a blank too. I remember being at a small party that a boyfriend dragged me to. I didn't know anybody there, but they were all his friends so I wanted to make a good impression. A very nice girl there made an effort to talk to me right away, and it started out well enough when she asked me what I did for work and she liked what I said. But then she moved on to music and it turned out we both like a particular genre so she asked me what were a few of my favorite bands, but despite having many I could have said, I drew a complete blank, and ended up mumbling something about it depending on my mood. But she kind of stopped talking after that and I felt like it probably looked like I was just saying I shared her taste in music as a pathetic attempt to get her to like me. Ugh! I hate parties!

Oh and I also get the "you're so quiet!" and hate it, and hate it even more the times I do say something and people make a huge deal of me talking and put this big spotlight on me.