I wouldn't want to push my kids too hard, but I would do my best to encourage them to have a better social life than I have had.

 

I may have misinterpreted this when I first clicked to quote you. I first interpreted your quote to mean *academically* you wouldn't push your kids too hard, which is what I hope not to do as well.

The original post is such a good question. I'm sure there is a genetic component to it, since I see a lot of anxiety in social situations from my mom in particular, and just a lot of avoidance with my dad. Then again, it could simply be that this way of acting and being is what I observed, so I took on their mannerisms.

In any case, I have a son now, and instead of acting as if academic success is the only thing that matters, I hope that I teach my son and future children that of course academic success is important, but so are social connections. I certainly want my children to be independent, but my parents devalued the importance of "fitting in" and I think that was to my detriment. I hope I teach my kids that its nice to fit in, but it's also important to cultivate a sense of self outside the group.

 

I won't have children because of my SA along with all my other "issues"

 

I can't have children due to medical issues but I do have hopes of adoption once my SA is under control and I can obtain employment and become financially secure.
It scares the crap out of me that I may project my issues onto my child. I don't want them to be like me.
But I wouldn't adopt until I felt sure that my SA is under control enough that I could properly care for the child.

 

I agree with the OP that is has a gentic component. All my siblings are shy as well, as are my parents.

 

seconded



My father is a quiet man. In fact, most of my paternal family is quiet. Non of my paternal aunt's, kept successfully married, and in retrospect I am beginning to wonder if this wasn't due to their inherant S.A.

However, like the original poster, I will fight to make sure my kid's actually ENJOY childhood. I analysed social situations way to much, when i should have just been playing.

If I have a son, my first goal would be to make sure he goes to an all boys primary school. Yes, I want him to get into fights, and learn to cope with bullies. That's something i missed out on in my "private primary school, of well behaved priviledged children" everyone was so well behaved, I never got a chance to deal with conflicts.

 

I will be approachable, and encourage my children to talk to me if they have problems. I will assure them that I will discuss things through with them, and that we can come up with a solution together. I wouldn't insult them, I'll consider what they tell me instead of shoot all of their ideas down, and I'll allow them to become more independent when the time comes, but that's not to say I'll let them do whatever they want. I want them to feel supported and loved, but not spoiled.

 

One day I hope to be lucky enough to have children. But one thing is for sure, if I do, I will be very involved in their lives and make sure they are developing socially. I'll make sure they're involved in social groups in and out of school. I'll talk to their teachers to make sure they are interacting and participating.

If there is one good thing that can come out of what I've endured all these years, its that I'm an expert on the subject, I know what to look for, and this should be one problem my kids won't have to experience.

SA undoubtedly has a genetic component. It was certainly the cause in my life. When you mention keeping your children actively involved in school and other activities, should you have some, be very careful you do not end pressuring them to do things that they are scared to do. I guess I am saying this more to people in general than you in particular Jeff, but that pressure could equally reinforce SA's existence in the life of a child. The best way, it seems, to interact with children who have SA, is to be very calm, gentle, reassuring, and praise any attempts, no matter how small, that they make at interaction. Good intentions can be made that still have disastrous results; a good plan is required in order to carry out those good intentions. I'm not criticizing, but I am just encouraging people to think things through before they actually do them.

 

I hear what you're saying Dan, but as I said in the bottom of my post, my intention would never be to control what they do or make decisions for them. I probably should have prefaced my post with that. I will say that I just don't completely agree with your assessment of what is best for children with SA. The biggest challenge for a parent of a child with SA is identifying the symptoms in the first place. I think its very easy for those of us with SA to fall through the cracks, to get labeled as shy. For those of us with SA, we learn at a very young age how to avoid attention, even to the extent of not drawing the attention of someone who may want to help us by encouraging us to join this or join that, or talk to so and so about things. The average parent would have a hard time picking up on the clues.

If you have strong suspicions your child may have SA, I don't think you can simply encourage them to socialize or join a group, to praise their efforts, be there for them, and then hope that everything turns out ok. My parents did all those things for me, but I learned what to say and how to act to keep them off my back to avoid the attention.
Of course those are all good things and any parent should use them as a starting point. But SA requires a more involved approach, and I think that starts with really communicating with your child, and others in your child's life. And like said, let them make their own decisions, but don't turn a blind eye either.

The point of my post wasn't to say "hey, go throw your kids into boot camp if their shy amd control their every move". I was really just getting at the idea that we as parents with SA will have the opportunity to identify this problem at an early age and save our kids from a life of misery, and that's one thing we SA'rs can feel good about.

 

I understand your sentiment. My children are being raised with my SA . . . pretty hard to get around that. None of them have SA themselves, but that's no thanks to me -- just luck. They have three very different personalities. Each, like most of us, has strengths and weaknesses. I think to encourage the positive in any child is important and to support them in their weakness is essential as well. As far as being able to prevent them from having specific weaknesses and difficulties, social problems or any other problem, I don't think that's wholly possible. I know as a child, it would have been very traumatic for me had I been pushed very far. Normal expectations, like attending school, were difficult enough for me. I personally don't feel that there was much my parents could have done. They were my security though, and I knew I was loved. Without that I could be far worse off today. My kids sometimes speak up for me, and don't question too much why I don't speak up for myself. It's not something I'm proud of, but I may have inadvertently made them a bit braver being as how they are pretty much forced to speak up for themselves if they want something because in most cases I won't do it for them. One of my children is so outgoing and outspoken, I try to get her to tone it down a bit sometimes. To no avail thus far; same as no one could have forced me to be something I wasn't. If I didn't have SA, my kids would have different experiences growing up, but who is to say if they'd be better or worse off. I have some positive traits as a result of it as well, and they reap the benefits of that just as they endure the not so positive stuff. It's natural to want to spare your children any pain, but it's nearly impossible, and horrible as it may be in the moment, sometimes that's what helps mold our characters and makes us better people. My kids don't have SA, but having one grown kid, I believe almost everyone at some point is going to suffer either due to their own weaknesses or someone else's and about all you can do is give them enough love and security that they'll be able to pull through a better person rather than a bitter person.

 

My dad and mom tried to make me more social because they both had either SA or at least problems fitting in. They did more damage. My dad especially since he tried to force me into doing things that he never liked doing and I didn't like doing. Every time someone tried to set it up so that I had to do something I'd resist doing it even more. If I'd just been treated normally I probably would have come out a bit better than I did. If someone had actually been supportive and understanding I might not even have SA. Instead they tried to force me until I completely withdrew and then they gave up and left me that way. One of the main things that has helped me get over SA is the rule that I won't do anything I don't want to do. I won't do things just because I should or because it would make me more social. I will only do things because I actually want to be able to do those things or I really do want the results. Not because other people can or think I should be able to. It took a lot of pressure off and got rid of a lot of anxiety to think that way.

 

When talking to my therapist, we went through several sessions about being raised in a secluded environment, not being allowed to play with the other kids when I was away from school, or do sleep overs or get involved socially in highschool, like school dances. And while it was easy to lay blame on all that on my parents he said that studies of SA were showing more and more that SA has little to do with how you were raised, but more with where you got your genes from. Seemed so fatalistic at the time, but made me quickly realize that I was wasting my energy blaming my parents.

But when I finally do have kids, I will have the strongest emotional support system possible and ready for them. And I will try with all my heart to dispel the notion that seeking psychological help is taboo, so that if need be they can get help early in their youth.

 

I can relate so much. When my nephew graduated from kindergarten a few years back, I totally took a trip into my past and could clearly see myself in kindergarten. I watched my nephew interact with all the kids (he'd ask me if he could go talk to so and so or go play with whoever and I let him) and it made me happy, but also kind of sad because I remember that I wasn't very social, even then. Most of the time, I'd be sitting on the tree that was at the edge of the playground and watch everyone else play.

I don't think SA runs in my family, so I'm okay there. No one else seem to be socially anxious, I think it's just me.
If I have kids, and I hope I will, I will definitely make an effort to see that they are getting the proper socialization(if they're asked to parties or sleepovers, I'll let them go, provided I know something about the parents and such), but I certainly won't push it on them. I'll gently encourage them instead of not really paying attention at all, like my own mother. I think if she wouldn't have been so, I don't know, afraid to let me socialize or whatever the problem was, I probably wouldn't have such bad anxiety. There have been times in the past where I'd want to be social and go out with people I sort of knew, but she wouldn't let me, so that passed and I wasn't interested anymore. Now, I'm not interested in it at all, and being social scares me. Working on it, though, but it's kind of hard at my age. I just don't want my kids to have to deal with it the way I have. That would depress me.



Interesting information, but somehow I do think it has something to do with how you were raised, as in if it gets worse, or better, or stays the same.

 

My sa didn't start to affect me until middle school and later, so I really didn't want my parents to intrude in my life at that time. I guess I'll have to keep that in mind when my kids are around that age and take a different approach, but not be overbearing or forceful.

 

If you have strong suspicions your child may have SA, I don't think you can simply encourage them to socialize or join a group, to praise their efforts, be there for them, and then hope that everything turns out ok.

Actually that would have been pretty perfect for me. My problems were greatly increased by parents that didn't just praise and encourage but kept pushing to do more. A simple good job or it's ok would have gone a long way. Most people with SA withdraw because they don't want to face a mistake or negative consequences. If there are only good consequences even when you don't do something perfect there's no reason to be anxious. Praise and encouragement even when an attempt does not meet complete success is probably one of the most important things you can do to help someone with SA.

 

Interesting. Because my parents didn't push me at all. In fact, they were very supportive and didn't meddle in my life. Yet I've had devastating SA most of my life.

My post wasn't meant to suggest "pushing" as much as "identifying". Perhaps I should go back and rewrite the post lol

 

I am not having children. I can't hardly take care of myself. I wouldn't even have them if I could due to there is not much of a future for them.

 

If there is one good thing that can come out of what I've endured all these years, its that I'm an expert on the subject, I know what to look for, and this should be one problem my kids won't have to experience.

Yeah, I think people who have gone through this would be much more understanding parents for shy children than people who have never experienced SA.
At every parent teacher conference, my teacher told my parents how I wasn't interacting with other kids, and that making friends should be my goal for the next trimester. My parents were just mad at me afterwards, as if I was being a bad kid ("she punched a girl at recess again!") They probably thought I wasn't making friends out of laziness or spite towards them.
I'm not going to have kids but if I did, I'd try my best to help them avoid following the path that I did. Friends are a must. I could never ground them (for punishment, lol); I'd want them to have as many social interactions as possible.

 

Three most important things: Food, clothing, shelter. Hugs, hugs, hugs. When they have these three basic needs, they won't need alot more to be happy.

My sister puts alot of emphasis on her children wanting materialistic things. This will never make a kid happy if they don't have food, clothing, shelter. Be able to have a consistent income to be able to afford children to be enrolled in activities. I never got this opportunity.

I'm not having children. My advice is to make sure that you and your partner have a loving relationship where you work together without constant bickering. You should not yell at them constantly (leads to the worst self-esteem ever). To always let them know that they are loved. Give firm yet consistent rules. Give them responsibility. If you enroll them in activities make sure its things that they love, not things that you wanted to be involved in. Don't ever say anything to them that you don't mean. If you do make sure that you apologize.

 

... My advice is to make sure that you and your partner have a loving relationship where you work together without constant bickering. You should not yell at them constantly (leads to the worst self-esteem ever). To always let them know that they are loved. Give firm yet consistent rules. Give them responsibility. If you enroll them in activities make sure its things that they love, not things that you wanted to be involved in. Don't ever say anything to them that you don't mean. If you do make sure that you apologize.

Yeah I doubt I'll have that opportunity either but supportive & not overly critical. Especially over dumb s*** that wont even matter a few years later. Lots of love, understanding & encouragement to become their own person.
I'd hope they'd feel comfortable enough to come to me about anything & I would apologize when I mess up.

 

I will do my best that my children won't get SA but if they still get it i will try to support them more than my parents supported me.

 

That's exactly what I was thinking. I would take it much more seriously then my parents and get my child(ren) the therapy they needed. In that case, hopefully I'm better off financially then my parents.

 

OMG. My 2 year old is sooo social. He also LOVES to be outdoors. Both of these come naturally to him. I am taking it and running with it. Perhaps he will help me get over SA? I know the other day he wanted to go to the store to get cookies. I SOOOOO did NOT want to go, BUT, I went anyway... So, lucky for me, I have a social bug.

To answer your question, if my children are socializing well on their own, I will run with it. If they are "naturally shy" then we will get involved in various activities together as a family or a mother-daughter/mother-son thing.

 

There are numerous reasons why I don't expect to ever have kids.

 

+1 don't expect to see any kids here either

 

NO. I'm not going to force my daughter to do things she doesnt want to do just so she won't end up like me. I would have been worse off if my parents had been strict and forced me to interact at school and stuff. I didnt want to. It'd be wrong to force someone to do things they absolutely didnt wanna do that weren't necessary. Besides she may take after her sperm donor anyway- he's outgoing.

 

Who said anything about forcing your kids to do things they don't want to do???

 

I have a four year old son. I'm worried about him having SA. He exhibits some signs of it in social settings. He's kind of standoffish and isn't the happy, silly kid he is at home. My wife is extremely extroverted and she encourages him by taking him to public events and outings like play dates at the park. I won't allow my son to go through the suffering and just plain hell that SA has caused me over the course of a lifetime. If it rears its ugly head for him when he starts elementary school, I'll make sure to seek help for him. No question about that!

 

If I ever have kids, I will definitely be much more involved in their lives than my own parents were in mine. I don't want them to experience crappiness of SA.

 

Being a good parent is not an easy task, no matter which style you use, conversely, that's not to say that because I'd do things so much differently from my dad, for instance, that I'd be any more successful than he was raising me when it comes time for me to raise my kid.

I was kind of lucky in that although my mother wasn't a great parent, in hindsight I have learnt an immeasurable amount of lessons which in culmination, with my father's and stepmothers upbringing in the last ten years, will assist me greatly in 'breaking the mould' of my childhood lessons.

As for sitting here and speculating on what type of parent I'd be, I don't think there's much point to it really. Being young and naive and discussing what things will be like 10-20 years down the road when you're much more mature is very different from actually being in the situation itself, which I'm sure would change people's mindsets dramatically when the time comes. But for now, I'm still focused on developing myself than to worry about becoming a parent.

 

I have severe SA... and I have a 4 year old.

He is his own little person. I have never had to 'make' him more social, he has always been much more social that I am. Even this past month for example- we go for walks in the neighbourhood and he will just go up to people sitting on their patios, tell them how nice their yards is, ask to see their gardens, I like your cat... on and on.

When I was his age I was shy even then and never did that.

So no, my SA doesn't really affect him at all, except he does know that too many people make mommy nervous. So when we go together in a busy area he holds my hand and tells me that 'people aren't scary, they are nice.. I can show you!"

Sure, some things you do will have an effect on your child, but they are still themselves and they won't automatically become 'like you', especially if you explain to them why you are like this. Which I have done with my son and he is perfectly able to understand and even help me. Even at just 4 years old.

 

That's a sweet story Keirelle, he sounds like your little guardian angel.

 

I won't raise children.

 

I don't think that I'll ever have children, but if I do my goal is to raise them the opposite way that I was.

I think I'd mostly teach them to be tolerant of people's differences. There are too many ignorant people in this world.

 

Not that I want to have children, but if I had children, I would not over-protect them one bit. Also, I will make sure that they learn that success is achieved by getting up each time you fail and learn from mistakes. It should be ok to make a mistake because you learn from it. I will introduce them to as many hobbies as possible, not just the one that I think they will like.

Also, I will teach them to respect themselves and others no matter what.