Exactly how my social anxiety started. Abuse, verbal/mental/physical/sexual/neglect.

 

Yeah, my social anxiety came from childhood trauma, a bad relationship with my mom, and bullying by other kids at school.

My family is weird about mental illness and my dad doesn't believe in therapy, so I didn't learn I had social anxiety for a long time. I thought it was just my personality.

 

Yeah, my social anxiety came from childhood trauma, a bad relationship with my mom, and bullying by other kids at school.

My family is weird about mental illness and my dad doesn't believe in therapy, so I didn't learn I had social anxiety for a long time. I thought it was just my personality.

Always too quiet really resonates with me. I was so painfully shy as a young child and into adolescence, where it turned into full blown social phobia. I had a hard childhood. Lost my dad at a young age and was neglected by my mom…then verbally abused by her and stepdad.
There was always a thread of sexuality running through my life. My mom was jealous of me if I was around my stepdad. Pursued inappropriately by one of their friends calling me and talking dirty. Being groped in public a couple of times. I even lost my virginity to my older brother’s best friend. To this day, I don’t know if I would consider it as being sexually assaulted?
I am 55 now and had one long term relationship and one long marriage, both very physically and emotionally abusive. Now…I’m by myself and lost.

 

Emotional abuse and neglect from family. Also, we moved to another country when I was school-aged, so I lost all my friends, teachers etc and had to start over from scratch where no one knew me. I think it's the combination of both those things (abuse + lack of external support) that caused me to develop social anxiety.

Now I'm mostly not socially anxious anymore, though, just traumatised.

 

That is a very rough and traumatic upbringing. I'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how anyone will not develop social anxiety along with a wide range of other mental issues in those circumstances. I hope you're at least in a better place now after all of this time.

 

Well I still carry the trauma today. But I am in therapy now.

 

Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through such things. But I'm so glad to know you are in therapy now.

I think mine also originated from abuse, though I don't like to admit it 'cause it makes me feel bad to accuse others of doing horrible things to me. My family had very high expectations of me since I was a child, I was made to take care of my siblings since I was very young and would be punished if they cried, this put a lot of pressure on me so I was usually stressed about being "the mature one". My mom was usually depressive and sad, so I also tried my best to not bother her and be there for her when she needed me. My father was mostly absent during my childhood. I remember comforting my crying mother in my high school ceremony graduation because she was sad my dad was absent on that day. I've always got the feeling my mom always saw us more like a burden than her children. We were the cause she could not continue with her education so she was stuck at a job she hated, so I see how she would resent us.

My other family members and my mom as well bullied me for being "fat" so I developed eating issues that led me to be hospitalized. I was being bullied at school as well. As all of those things came together, I developed social anxiety by the age of 12 or 13 and have been dealing with it since then.

I quite developed a strategy of bottling my emotions, hiding when I had panic attacks and such to not bring any problems to anyone else, so right now I am trying to unlearn all those mechanisms.

 

I suffered a lot of trauma growing up, too. It messes you up as a person. Never think you don't matter, you do. People can be absolute monsters.

 

I don't doubt that social anxiety (and maybe generalized anxiety - which I had been formally diagnosed with) can develop or become enhanced due to abuse in some form or another. I think for me it's a mix of genetics and upbringing. When generally seen as a quiet person then of course there will be people who see the person as an easy target, and in turn the abuse/bullying/etc. can make it worse over time when it's not properly addressed.

 

That was the case with me. Growing up being quiet and shy. Was an easy target and when the first guy that paid attention to me, I was just too blinded over liking the feeling of being wanted that I was being emotionally and sexually abused. I ended up opening my eyes to what he was doing but better yet what I was doing to myself. Although other anxieties came about with regards to opening up to people and learning to trust again.

 

I'm sure for me it's a mix of genetic predisposition, upbringing and school bullying.

 

Yep, my SAD is a product of abuse from my mother, neglect from my father, and my sister's hatred of me. I've never been close to anyone in my life. It's tough going through life alone, and I've experienced so much rejection and ostracization that I don't want to be around people any more.

I prefer an existence where my only interaction with people is online where I have control. I can get away from people or interact with them at my choosing when I'm online.

At the workplace, you're stuck in the confines of an office where you can't get away and you're self-conscious from the time you get there until the time you leave. It's all about low self-esteem and feeling bad about yourself. I don't know how to change that in the workplace. I can fake it to some extent when it's just for a few hours or so, but eight hours a day, five days a week... not so much.

 

I'm so sorry you went through all of that but you most definitely were NOT the problem. Your family is truly fkd up. Also I resonate with having connections with people online where you can control how much you interact and what not.

 

Yeh. It always is. You could replace social anxiety with the term social trauma and it would make more sense.

For me, I'd say pretty emotionally abusive childhood.

Had really bad acne as a teenager. That really cemented my fear of people due to how I was treated. It's automatic old scripts running in our heads for all of us I think.

Sorry and sad to read all the posts in this thread my heart goes out to all of you (us).

 

I think my shyness/introversion/SA/Whateveryoucallit was/ innate but it certainly wasn't helped by the various abusive personality types I was subjected to. I think they were mostly covertly abusive in that way that you don't necessarily think it's abusive when it's happening. And/or you're not really sure if the way you're being treated is justified or you did something to bring it upon yourself.

At any rate. My mother and various people she was involved with were somewhat abusive to different degrees off and on but frankly, I did have behavioral problems throughout most of my early years that were antagonistic towards anyone I saw as an authority figure. I would say she overreacted

Anyway, I remember being very shy as far back as I can remember. I only remember her becoming increasingly aggressive as I got older. But I do have a clear memory of her frequently yelling at my dad over relatively minor things. That's always a bit scary when you're a little kid. Like anytime I heard her starting to raise her voice even a little, I was hoping she wouldn't flip out. Which she usually did eventually. My dad is kind of hapless and always has been and makes a lot of basic mistakes and she would get so angry at him. Like if she sent him out and told him to get one specific thing and he got something completely different, she would go crazy.

 

Whilst growing up, my mother would yell or shout at me whenever I did something wrong. May grab a feather duster to hit me with, leaving me with bruises.

I was often bullied in primary school because I was Asian. And I would occasionally get myself into trouble with teachers in part because I wasn’t performing well. I remember I got told off for going to the wrong classroom; got taken outside of the classroom without understanding why; yelled at for not writing a single word on paper (because I didn’t pay attention and didn't understand what the task was) and got poked in my chest.

Reality hit really hard when I started college. My friends and I went separate ways; some went to another college and others did other courses. I was more or less alone and I literally had no idea how to make new friends - and on the rare occasion when I did bump into one of my friends the encounter was short-lived as if I wasn’t worth the friendship anymore. My confidence was nearly non-existent and was pushed further towards the edge of non-existence when a few of my tutors took issue with my quietness. At the end of a class, I was made to ask a question, and during a lesson, I was often singled out. In an incident, I was yelled at and criticised for doing the wrong course.

Fast forward to my late 20s. My older sibling treated me in a demeaning way. Kept asking if I said thank you to family members; and berated me for not eating breakfast. My extremely extroverted, self-righteous psychopath of a relative severely scorned me for being rude after triggering the alarm (without being told the touch panel was pressure sensitive) and when I clarified the reason why I responded in such a way was because of the shock and immediacy of the situation, the loudness of the alarm, and wasn't to take it out of the relative or anything like that the relative refused to acknowledge it and continued the verbal abuse - to add insult to injury, my sibling defended the relative. This left me suicidal.

 

Yes, mine did with emotional abuse.

Social skills:

Be open, relaxed, approachable, friendly, lighten up


0) You can try nlp exercises, meditation, breathing techniques, visualisation. You can read books on this subject and there is a wealth of resources on the internet, youtube regarding this subject.

1) Relax, imagine you're just observing or there as a traveller. For example, if you are on holiday, you go there to experience and observe the attraction, you're not going to get anxious doing that are you?

2) Smile, smiling in contagious.

3) Be confident, respect yourself, accept yourself, work out, wear good clothes, feel good, focus on your passions, know you are a good person who treats people well, you have got as much right as everyone else.

Think positively, be proud of yourself, do things that make you happy, remember your happy times, what makes you confident? What makes you proud? Do you have a skill you are good at? Do things like cooking, driving, learning that increases your confidence daily. Relax.

Have good posture, body language, improve your appearance. Be happy with yourself.

4) Dress well, have good grooming, hairstyle, have good posture.

5) Just say hi or hey to people in your vicinity, who cares if they don't say anything back?

6) Ask how they are, how's everything, how's it going, what's the latest, what made them choose this course, their plans for the future, their plans for the rest of the day, weekend, how was their weekend, their day, what they will get up to, what they got up to, ask them about their hobbies, talk about what's happening. You could read up on current affairs.

Talk about the weather or did you see that sports game? Just mingle with them,

Compliment them, say "I like your jacket".

If you know they went on a holiday or somewhere, ask them about it etc.

7) Be passionate about life.

8) In group discussions, relax and talk to someone close or if someone says something you know, you can talk then. Stay relaxed.

9) Lighten up, have a laugh, laugh easily, be friendly, approachable, interested, relaxed.

10) You can write things down and come up with a rational reframed response, keep a journal of your thoughts, reach out to people slowl

 

Yeah, I'd say mine develop from abuse. Verbal. Physical. Emotional.

My upbringing was dysfunctional - a lot of neglect. As my mum admitted a few years ago: "You got treated the worst". It very much gets wired in when you're raised by domineering single parent who was very strict.

I've always been quiet, really, but then that's how it is when those around you tend to snap be quite hostile towards you for asking a innocent question like if they'd seen something I'd misplaced. Being the youngest of 3 kids, I learnt by the time I was 8 that it would be easier for me to keep to myself than be open

My teenage years were hell. Mainly due to having to hear my mother bitterly recount her past abusive relationships and tell me - her only son - that: "All men were useless b@_!@*_s!", which was a great confidence boost. Though, that was usually the start of a bitter, hateful tangent that my mum would go off on any time I'd mentions the topic of relationships, from the time when I was 15 until 18 years old. By age 18, I'd just stopped raising the topic, as I realised I was going to a more positive view on the topic from her, as my older sisters had gotten.

And when I did finally open up about my social anxiety struggles, my family accused me faking it. Though, opening up about depression was worse as my mum's first response to me saying that I was struggling with depression was: "Well... Kill yerself, then!" A remark she has subsequently justified in the years since as "...joke" I would've been around 15 or 16 when she'd made the remark, originally. Needless to say I didn't find the "joke" funny. She didn't either when said the same thing to her a few years later, as she proceeded to attempt to gaslight me into "wrongly remember her original remark"

My family dynamic is still very much as dysfunctional as it was when I was growing up, mainly with my older siblings. But it has been acknowledged a few times that they need me more than I need them at this point. My mum and I have sort of made amends in the last 4 or so years. But Christmas time still really sucks - mainly because it's all play-pretend and fake in terms of us getting along. All surface level and no real connection. I've dreaded it every year since I was 16. Not that I say much if anything, as that has been very much wired in since childhood, sadly. Plus, the middle sibling tends to start arguments over the most stupid things.

 

I've had to deal with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from my siblings and mother. I was frequently scapegoated by especially my mother who would take her bad days out on me because she was too chicken** to confront her bosses and my father. So, what would happen is that she'd get in a fight with my father and then run over to me with some sanctimonious excuse to bully and harass me. A lot of the ** she said to me only makes sense when people realize she actually wanted to say that to other people. I'd just be minding my own business and she'd say horrid ** to me with an extremely demeaning tone. It was so absurd. Like, I'm not saying anything and I'm just minding my own business, and suddenly I'm being attacked for no good reason. If I got understandably upset by her verbal and emotional abuse, she'd tell me I'm too sensitive. She'd also try to use it as a bonding moment if I called her out on that: "People call me too sensitive, too." LMAO It's so ***ing stupid. She insults me, then when I call her out, she says she was insulted in the same way by someone else. Like, I'm going to sympathize with you after you took something you wanted to say to someone else out on me. * off, ****.

What's even more infuriating about this is that there are quite a few mothers out there who do that because that's the nature of hierarchy, especially among those who aren't able to punch up for whatever reason. A lot of mothers are attacked at work by their boss or by their husband at home, and then they go peck at their kids because they're too chicken**** to stand up to someone more powerful than they are. When I complained about this to therapists who are women, they'd side with my mother as a knee jerk response. "Your mother has to deal with enough already." These incompetent ****s don't even know my family or my mother, and yet they're immediately siding with her and coming up with excuses for her because they likely take their bad days out on their kids, as well. "Look at how other people made me verbally and emotionally abuse my own children." They almost always have plausible deniability, too, because they come up with some false sanctimonious excuse to take some attitude they wanted to take out on someone else out on you.

When I got old enough to stand up to my bullying bullied mother, she stopped bullying me. Big surprise there. What a *ing *.

Then when I refuse to speak to various members of my family, they act like it's my fault. They don't even bother to ask why I don't want to communicate with them. They don't care. They only want to interact with me if I let them treat me like a punching bag.

If I attack them back, they scapegoat me as an ***, and then they go complain to anyone who will listen about what a meany I am. So, I learned to just not say anything and to just ignore people like that, which also upsets them.

"yOu NeEd To IgNoRe PeOpLe WhO BuLlY yOU"

Ignores them

"NOOOOOOOO! NoT lIkE tHaT!"

Or:

"StOp BeInG tOo SenSiTiVe"

starts being insensitive

"NOOO! NoT lIkE tHaT, yOu ***!"

LMFAO What a joke these ****ing people are.

That's so crazy. I'm a mom and I have issues standing up for myself but I would NEVER take it out on my children. I watch what I say bc I'm so hyper aware of how words can hold weight and carry. I don't want to transfer that. Your therapist is a joke anyone that sides with the person antagonizing you has to go I swear good therapists are hard to find these days.

 

@Maximilien Robespierre
Just described most of my childhood as well. Sorry to hear you went through that too.