Hi all. I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for a long time now. I pretty much have a fear of people, and I find myself simply unable to trust anyone, even family.
I don't know, but I think most of my issues started because of my older brother (who has bipolar). In my childhood, he sexually assaulted me multiple times (I have not told anyone about this), he severely bullied me over everything (appearance, taste in clothes, the way I talk, even my smile...) and his insanity was so over the top that my family frequently had to deal with massive issues involving damages to the house or violence. I don't have a single good memory from my childhood or teenage years, he more or less ruined every single day.
In the middle of frequent outbursts, I would always go to my room and shut the door. I was always alone, crying in my room. Now I am 22 years old, never had friends since childhood, and never dated anyone (never felt like I even love or like anyone), and I find myself unable to relate or connect with anyone, I often try to find any excuse to be alone, even if some people try to talk to me or even invite me to their events, I would make up any excuse to avoid them.
To this day, I stay in my room and shut the door. I am so sick of being alone, I even try to force myself to talk to people, but I just can't! I immediately start feeling intense fear and I just clam up. Even if I ever find myself smiling because of joke, for example, I can't help but hide my face. I have absolutely no confidence, or self esteem. At this point I feel like I am just a huge waste of space.
I have no idea what to do, or even who to talk to. Any ideas or suggestions would be very appreciated.
I don't know, but I think most of my issues started because of my older brother (who has bipolar). In my childhood, he sexually assaulted me multiple times (I have not told anyone about this), he severely bullied me over everything (appearance, taste in clothes, the way I talk, even my smile...) and his insanity was so over the top that my family frequently had to deal with massive issues involving damages to the house or violence. I don't have a single good memory from my childhood or teenage years, he more or less ruined every single day.
In the middle of frequent outbursts, I would always go to my room and shut the door. I was always alone, crying in my room. Now I am 22 years old, never had friends since childhood, and never dated anyone (never felt like I even love or like anyone), and I find myself unable to relate or connect with anyone, I often try to find any excuse to be alone, even if some people try to talk to me or even invite me to their events, I would make up any excuse to avoid them.
To this day, I stay in my room and shut the door. I am so sick of being alone, I even try to force myself to talk to people, but I just can't! I immediately start feeling intense fear and I just clam up. Even if I ever find myself smiling because of joke, for example, I can't help but hide my face. I have absolutely no confidence, or self esteem. At this point I feel like I am just a huge waste of space.
I have no idea what to do, or even who to talk to. Any ideas or suggestions would be very appreciated.
