[tinyblupearl]

I work at a hospital as a nurse assistant. Ive been there for a year and people still ask me if Im new. There are very few coworkers that Im friends with there. I hate getting ready for work because I just know Im gonna have an awful day and I know I shouldnt think like that in the first place. The last day I worked was crappy. I was outside at the smoke area and there were two other people outside smoking. Just the long open walk to this area with them staring at me and me desperately trying to find something to look at made my anxiety go up. I smiled at them and asked to borrow a lighter even though I had one, thats small talk for me I guess. They were talking about something so I got on my phone and called my boyfriend. I kinda caught little snippets of their convo and they were saying things like 'If two people are talking to each other and looking at her she thinks theyre talking about her' and 'Yea, its gotten to where I can be walking down the hall towards her and she will avoid my eyes and not speak' 'Shes very unstable'. I never heard them say a name so Im so convinced they were talking about me. Right there in my face. Im schizo also and paranoid but I am almost 100% sure they were talking about me. My whole day sucked from then on and even my 6days off from work I kept thinking about it and wondering if it really was me they were talking about. I have to go back to work tomorrow and am really depressed right now thinking about it. I had been doing so good with my anxiety level and keeping my schizo thoughts down until this. I almost felt normal. This weekend I got drunk thinking it might erase the feelings and I could start over but after the hangover and feeling sick I just feel 10x worse. Ugh Im not looking forward to tomorrow. I guess I just wanted to vent.