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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Im new here. Things not going so well right now. My wife just informed me she is unhappy and unsure about her"life's path". We are talking but tonight she is staying at a friends house to be by herself. She says my shyness, timidness and social anxiety turns her off. And she doesnt know what she wants right now. IM going to get help because it is a problem for me, not just her. She is talking and willing to go to counceling with me but Im not sure if she will stay in the end. SHe's very out going and is now, after 10 years together, "tired of my anxieties".
Ive struggled all my life and when I finally met her she accepted me but now, after should hasnt been able to "heal me"(her words) she is rethinking it all. Along wiht her confusion about her "life's path". Ive gone to see my doctor and IM back on PRozac and am making an appt to see a therapist. She says she would go if I ask her but I fear she may just confirm for herself that she wants to leave. I dont know that I can be "outgoing" enough for her or what exaclty she wants be to be. We have a house, no kids. I love her.
 

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FixMe,

We can only heal ourselves, first of all. That is one trap that women find themselves in - thinking they can cure the man. Uh, we are people, too! You are doing the right thing by reaching out. It is also not too late. The part about your being afraid that she wants to leave is just fear. That part would have to be discussed with the doctor, though. SA is NOT the worst thing in the world to have - at this point, it can become a blessing because you learn to work through it and have psychology lessons along the way. You can be outgoing, but it will take work, and patience, and time.
I would try to seek a doctor trained in the area of SA. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy also works. :) That's the psychology lessons about learning that a lot of things we worry about it are not worth the spent nerves. :lol. Life can be fun again instead of filled with constant worry.

For me, I had a flareup of SA this week, but I know what happened and took steps to talk it out - I felt better almost immediately :).

Hang in there, and remember that we will be here if you need us. Welcome to SAS! :)
 

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Hey fixme welcome. :)
 

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My heart...whats left of it...goes out to you man. Ugh. What a tough situation. What you don't want to do is try to change, for her. Do it for yourself. Even if she is a liar and gets a divorce(she said til death do us part, right?), try to get better. I mean, I'm assuming you aren't happy with your shyness. If you are happy with how you are, but she's not, then don't change for her. Don't be unhappy to make someone else happy. Good luck man, keep us updated, there's some good people on this site that you can talk to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for the welcome. Im not happy with who and how I am in certain situations. (social) What I dont know if she gets is that I cant something Im not.
I dont need or want to be the life of the party but I do want to be comfortable in my own skin, be able to talk confidently with people, etc. I just dont know if its too late to save my marriage. I wish she had told me earlier that it bothered her but she never did express that to me until now. I dont know if its all about me, her career, both or what. confused but working on myself as hard as it is.
 

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if i was u i would find a therapist who specialzes in cbt for sa in your area search the internet and have her go with u to a few sessions since she will see your getting help, cbt has helped my sa so much to the point to where its almost gone, so it will be helping you with both problems
 

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Welcome. I just can't believe she dropped the bomb on your after 10 years of marriage. That is indeed a tough situation and I hope things turn out well for the both of you.
 

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I think it's horrible she had some plan to "change" you. "Help" would have been the better word, or "support". That's what she should be doing now, is helping you, the way you'd help her if the situation were reversed. That's why people get married, to help each other be better people, until they die. Not anymore apparently.
 

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The most helpful thing for me has been to have this forum to come and learn and realize that my boyfriend's SA is not about me. It may effect me but it doesn't have to hurt all the time - that I can choose to acknowledge that the way he is about his SA, not about my shortcomings or inadequacies. The people here have really helped me to see his SA in a whole new light and I can see the subtle ways that he is sharing with me even when most people would not see or understand. It is hard now that I am here and have posted so much to get him to come to this website because it would be keep me from being here if he were posting here and I know it would be uncomfortable for him to post here knowing I am here. But, maybe if you could share this site with her so she could see that SA isn't by any means uncommon and that a lot of people have it and struggle with it. Maybe she could put it all in perspective and know what is really important in life - her marriage, the love you share and the commitment she made. Her vows weren't just for better and for health... and it ends with to love and to cherish till death do you part. I personally have done the till death, and the in sickness and the for worse in my first two marriages.... SA is hard to be effected by but I always remind myself that what I feel is nothing compared to what he lives with every day. I am set to support him in whatever road we have to walk together - if he will walk it with me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
im tying to help her to understand by talking about it. IM not sure she would come on this site though. Thank you for your post, your boyfriend is a very lucky man.
 

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:wel
 

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The way you described it this sounds like it is as much about her and her current "life path" at the moment than it is about you and your anxiety issues. /life crisis I hope she isn't using your anxiety as a crutch.

Welcome to SAS fixme. :)
 

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Ah man, so much for "for better or for worse." Fortunately, you don't have kids - that would really complicate things. So sorry to hear what you're going through. :squeeze
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
The way you described it this sounds like it is as much about her and her current "life path" at the moment than it is about you and your anxiety issues. /life crisis I hope she isn't using your anxiety as a crutch.

Welcome to SAS fixme. :)
thanks, i fear you hit the nail on the head. I just dont know for sure. Kind of a coincidence she suddenly brings this up now at the same time when she never told me before my social anxieties upset her so. She says she wants a partner with goals, etc. How about buying a house and paying 90% of the mortgage and helping her with her business so she can flourish and trying to have a happy life together. THose arent goals? What does she want, me to reinvent the wheel?
 

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Ouch. Well at least she's communicated to you how she feels. I'd view that as somewhat of a positive sign. At least she didn't just leave.

How much does she know about social anxiety and your personal experiences with it? If you have trouble talking to her about it, try writing it out and having her read it instead. (That's how I told my family about SA - they'd have never gotten the amount of information out of me verbally as they did on paper.)

And what about marriage counselling?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
She said whe would spaek wiht MY therapist but not sure about teh willingness for marriage counseling yet. IM tying to talk about that with her. I agree that IM glad she finally said someting to me. At least I know where I stand now
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
We have written a cople letters to each other expressing feelings. It is easier than speaking them sometimes. I may do it again this week to try to explain the anxiety and my willingness to work on it.
 

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Im new here. Things not going so well right now. My wife just informed me she is unhappy and unsure about her"life's path". We are talking but tonight she is staying at a friends house to be by herself. She says my shyness, timidness and social anxiety turns her off. And she doesnt know what she wants right now. IM going to get help because it is a problem for me, not just her. She is talking and willing to go to counceling with me but Im not sure if she will stay in the end. SHe's very out going and is now, after 10 years together, "tired of my anxieties".
Ive struggled all my life and when I finally met her she accepted me but now, after should hasnt been able to "heal me"(her words) she is rethinking it all. Along wiht her confusion about her "life's path". Ive gone to see my doctor and IM back on PRozac and am making an appt to see a therapist. She says she would go if I ask her but I fear she may just confirm for herself that she wants to leave. I dont know that I can be "outgoing" enough for her or what exaclty she wants be to be. We have a house, no kids. I love her.
my advice, do whatever it takes to start making progress. just keep a positive attitude and be serious with yourself about making a change in your life to handle your anxiety, not let anxiety handle you. and though i'm not married, i did have a six year relationship come to an end mainly due in part to my anxiety. same thing, lived together but no kids. so feel free to pm (private message) me with any questions or ideas or whatever you need. welcome to sas. steve
 
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