I'm at this new job and it was my second day as a bus boy and it's easy but some of the employs are saying I'm very slow. I notice when I start cleaning I have to think about which plate goes in what bin I almost feel like it's harder for me to go as fast as some others I'm nervous that people are watching me and when im putting the dishes away in the bins on my cart I catch my self putting the wrong ones in the wrong bins and it's because I'm nervous I can't seem to keep my head up it's like I have a hard time looking people in the eyes even the people I work withI sometimes feel like the customers and employeescan sense that I may be nervous because I look unhappy when walking across the room or just frightened. And when I'm not moving and just sitting there I don't know where to look I'm constAntly drinking water ANC looking at my phone or going to the restroom. I feel like the other employs feel like I'm weird even though I can't understand half the things they say because they are all orientals but they can speak some English. I just start trying to talk to them but as I'm doing it I just feel completely uncomfortable and unsure of myself and fumble my words and I can't help but speak in a low tone. My thoughts are just all scrambled I can't think straight. I know I have issues with my voice I've convinced myself that I'm speaking with different accents I know that sounds crazy but if you want to know more on that just let me know and I'll explain that. One of the employees told me I was handsome and I think she is attractive too but for some reason I couldn't take it as a genuine comment because I felt like she was just saying it to make me feel better about myself. Now this thought was created by my mind and it's purely negative i also feel like they are all talking about me with a bunch of inside jokes there's little parts that make me think this one of them has to do with Michael Jackson I had a freind who said I kinda looked like him like post op op op which is really weird I'm not too sure how but ever since he said that it's stuck with me and I feel like some people can see that too and it bugs me. There are other completely random things people say that make me think they are making fun of me too. I use to have a problem abusing drugs like Xanax and the whole day at work i was craving something to take the edge off just so I could relax but I know I should stay away from pills. Also I smiled at one of the employees because she smiled at me but I felt like I completely looked goofy because I kind of have a goofy face and she laughed but it was like a I'm laughing at you laugh and I just thought too myself damn I'm stupid. So now i feel kind of weird smiling at them when we pass eachother i almost felt like getting mad at all of them but its just me doing this too myself. I've talked to a psychologist and he says I may be talking with the fake accents but he highly doubts it and I think it's happening because of certain situations but he's not really helping me. I'm 23 and this is how I'm living my life these constant thoughts of self hate and doubt in everything I do every move I make everything I say it's killing me inside and affecting my relationships with people I'm not the same person i use to be ( if i even was different)I'm not excited or I can't get relaxed I feel like I'm hiding behind something because I'm afraid that people will judge me even though I have people in my life that already accept me and love me for who I am. Im just so afraid to try to act confident because I know some people can fake it really well and that's just something I can't seem to do. I'm sorry I just had to let out how I feel.