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i'm 21 (i'm saying that because being older would be seen as being even more of a loser and being a loser is bad, gotta protect my image) :|

my sister likes telling me gossip stories about people at her job, this older lady she works with around mid 30's who i've seen but i've never met before has apparently slept around with a lot of guys AT her job (according to my sister)

So here's what happened today, driving sis to work normal speed as usual, my dog always rides in vehicle with me so he's here to, sister sees that this lady is driving right behind us....CHANGE......

I start to change, bunch of thoughts flood my head, looking back at thoughts in moment, general idea was What Do i think this lady likes to see in a guy - I need to impress, I SPeed up and drive more aggressively (WTF?) - i drop my sister off to her job and immediately feel like i need to get out of there before this lady sees me and I see her - my dog jump to front seat like he usually does and tries to jump on my lap like he usually does - I PUSH MY DOG AWAY WTF IS WRONG WITH ME - in that moment i feel i need to get out there before this lady sees how big of a loser i am - I need to protect this self image

i back up car, i see the lady in rear view mirror....she's waiting for me to move I get agitated and look back to her and gesture to go - she waves back and walks to that area, i see her to my left and go NICE LEGS (WTF) and proceed to drive off

1. I treated my dog like **** and i didn't even care in that moment about him, it was all about protecting self image or running from embarrassment towards myself, i hate myself

2. Why do i care what this lady who i've never met thinks, this tends to happen to me around attractive people or people who are COOL or POpular or i've been told stories of previously who i need to Respect - i'll put on some stupid cool act that i need attention - i hate that i do this

3. I could have done something stupid while driving because i needed to look cool - [email protected]#[email protected]#[email protected]#[email protected]#[email protected]#[email protected]#$

4. This is the reason i hate being around people is I morph into a monster or go into auto-pilot mode and become a douchebag, after it happens i end up hating myself and it feels like i can't change it
 
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