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Ive always been thin. 6'0 and hovering over 140 - 150 lbs all year round.

I feel uncomfortable when I imagine myself a little bigger. It doesn't matter if I imagine myself being 190 lbs of solid muscle or 200 lbs and chubby. If I imagine myself as a little bigger than I feel uncomfortable. I don't like the thought of not being able to see my collar bones or ribs. It bothers me when I think about having a slight gut or no longer having a small "bird" chest.

Deep down inside I actually want to be smaller. This is ironic because sometimes I look in the mirror and think "god i look sick" because i am so thin. I think I literally look like a pole sometimes. Its at these moments where I feel I need to gain weight. But some days I think i am too big. I start to think that maybe i am eating too much or maybe im lifting too many weights. I end up not knowing how I really feel about myself but most of the time i think i am too big.

There is a part of me that feels like a monster when i imagine myself as being big. I associate my bigger self with guilt, ugliness, and shame. Even as I am now I hate being around smaller people because it makes me feel like a monster. I get a certain joy when i am around taller and bigger people because they make me feel secure. I am not saying that I think i am better than bigger people, its just that bigger people make me feel smaller and I associate being small with feeling calm and secure in myself.

Part of my problem may be my perception of masculinity. I have this irrational belief that masculinity is monstrous and negative in nature. I consider bigger males to extrude more masculinity in outward appearance than thinner males. Not wanting to be associated with a high level of masculinity in my appearance I strive to be thin. I know that my masculine appearance and perception of is a problem because of how I view my own facial features at times. I have really strong masculine facial features which I consider to be TOO strong at times. Sometimes I have the desire to look more feminine to the point where people could not tell if I was a male or female.

Maybe I fear extruding too much masculinity because of my beliefs about males and society. In my opinion our society is starting to hate males at an increasing rate. I fear that this hatred of males will only get worse over time. Maybe my opinions in this matter are irrational?
 

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I am six foot five inches tall and quite thin so I can relate to how you feel. When you are worried about people looking at you, this is not helped by being tall. I feel, especially in enclosed spaces, that I am in imposing on others through my presence. All I can think of is challenging your negative self-image which can be done through therapy.
 

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baby you're a lost cause
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This doesnt compute with me at all.

You want to look sickly thin and femine?

The way i see it this would make you a target for ridicule, i dont know what there is to gain from this.

I am not thin, but i am sort of an ectomorph, thin hands, flat chest, also a weak chin and little bodyhair.

I despise these things about myself.Even though fashion now is leaning towards the feminine and 'metrosexual', physically masculine men
are still the winners...
 

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I feel much the same way, but am female so I'm sure its more common. I'm uncomfortable around smaller, thinner girls. I associate weight loss with feeling powerful, successful, and beautiful. I am thin, but think about my weight way too much. I don't feel more "safe" around bigger people though.
 

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I think I know what you mean. I don't hate men in general, but I guess I'm intimidated by them because so many people are bigger than me--I'm only 5'4". Stupidly, I like to stay at or under 100lbs, even though I know it's not good, I can't help it. Ironically, though, my boyfriend is more than twice my size--a very big guy.
 

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Believe me, you are lucky, I am only 5'7" and would love to be taller. Taller men statistically much more successful both financially, socially and romantically. Why? Because human beings subconciously respect size as dominance and are driven to pick taller guys as friends or partners. Your height is an advantage, even if you don't see it as such.

I sort of understand your feelings though. For a brief period while I was in school I was one of the tallest due to whatever order my growth went and I felt very self-concious about being clumsy and sticking out.
 

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Skimming over it, could it be that you want to diminish any aspect of your physical being that stands out, while your psychology is telling you to get out of the way, to remain unnoticed? I'm 6'0 and I experienced a strange mixture of annoyance and disdain for my figure. Then I imagined myself being shorter and weaker and quickly decided that, since I have been endowed with a natural advantage, why the hell should I want to lessen it?

On a side note, in this day and age the masculine demeanor that is associated with aggressiveness, domination, and challenging, that used to be necessary to prove a male's worth for a female, is being eradicated for the sake of social cohesion so as not to cause any disruption to social harmony, so we are retrained to value docility, submissiveness, adhering to the status quo while our primordial instinctual drives are repressed and sublimated that vents itself through other outlets; namely entertainment, controlled expressions of violence (sports), and pornography.
 
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