Some people are in pain. My sister is in constant debilitating pain and she's young. It's hard to deal with sometimes, like it's just one more board to come out, leaving little to hold hte roof up.
I'm not as bad some people on here as I can go in public and it really doesn't bother me. Supermarkets don't bother me. Only thing that bothers me is the idea of meeting people who know me. Since I am a loser, I really don't want to remind them. Wish I had a job so the people who knew me might feel better when they saw me. Anyway, as far as random people when I'm in public go, I just suck at feeding on conversation like some do. I'm not like those people who can get lots of friends and be uplifting and funny. I'd like to be that way, but I'm not. And my thoughts are like a train on rails. I can get going very deeply on an idea or string of ideas, but it's very hard to change tracks and be able to participate in "shared" conversations with others. I don't deeply desire to intimately know people and I don't have a lot of money either. Like someoen else said, it's just a lot cheaper to stay in your room.
I don't get out much. Most of my time is in my room. This has been true for god knows how long, maybe since 1998 or 1999 or 2000? I was going to college back then full-time. I worked full-time temporarily in 2001 and 2003, but the majority of my time since 2000 has been at home in my room on this stupid addicting computer. It gets harder to deal with all of it. I do go on walks and sometimes I jog and of course mow hte lawn and do basic stuff. But when it comes down to it, that just simply isn't near enough. And my sister is even worse off, she can barely walk anymore. It ain't healthy living like this.
What makes it hard is I've b een trying to exercise the past few year and do things to stay in shape, but it seems all of it does nothing for me. Physically, I feel worse than I did a few years ago.
Maybe it's not as bad is it seems. I hope, but nothing lives forever. I mean, I can't tolerate everything infinitely. There has to be a breaking point somewhere. I want to survive. If something happens to me, let nobody say I didn't ever enjoy life or that I wished harm on anyone or I never had hope.
In regards to work: The best years of my life were when I was working. It may be I was just young and that's why things felt good. However, I worked recently for a few days in 2009 and 2010 before quitting because of physical pain and swelling, but I can say I really felt good pulling some of my weight. It felt good to have money I had earned. Anytime I do work for money it feels great. It's stressful at first as you learn the job or just make sure you do well, but the stress is ultimately worth it. My problem is I get so addicted to the computer I don't even try to look for work. And some physical issues this year have made it harder for me to be confident about it. And not having as many references as I used to and having so many years where all I did was use my computers makes me feel drained.
Don't ignore how important it's to work and stay working. Years and years of no working just strains you physically and mentally. You lose your contacts and you lose potential friends too.
I'm not sure what I could have done differently in life to be in a better place. There's no reset button. When I think about the potentials I've had and where I went wrong, it's hard to pinpoint it. But something that stands out to me is I always had a fascination with conspiracies or otherwise fringe topics. I was also a chrisitian when I was younger. I'll go as far as admitting that in 2001 I thought the world might end. I had been reading the stuff from Marilyn Agee. The only reason I got a job in 2001 was because: a) It was right after I had thought the world might end b) I wanted to play Everquest c) My parents kept telling me to get a job. Nowadays I'm an agnostic atheist and like to stick much more to solid trustworthy sources and so I don't cling to conspiracies as much, but that doesn't mean I'm a perfectly sound and reasonable individual either. I still have opinions which aren't completely rationale.
So what does that mean? Well, I had or have a tendency to pursue topics obsessively and I might not always be completely rationale. This combined with addictions to computer games and some social anxieties (probably stemming from childhood bullying and some from dna and some from family life) and my parents giving me too many compliments and enabling some of my bad behavior.