[ElenaF]

The thing is, that I still don't know. One thing that is bothering me, is my relationship with my bf.
It seems that it is al right, BUT what I see more clearly with time, we have no real conversations. I mean, we can chit chat about business, food, our cat, but when it comes to what we feel, what are our emotions, what are our doubts or fears, there is silence. Just like there would be no space for that kind of conversation.

There is something worse. I start to doubt how much my bf is interested in me, because he doesn't show it in conversation. It usually looks like this:
ME: I talk about something
BF: he talks about his opinion / he laughs at what I say / he say about his story

so, it seems it is nothing wrong with it, BUT he never asks me about what I say. I never hear words like "What do you mean?", "And what about that... ?", "How it happened?", "When it was?", "Oh, really?" etc. There is nothing like that he is really listening to what I say, it is just like he only wants to speak for himself - one can tell that and somehow sense it. I mean, we usually know when someone is attentive or not.

Another kind of this is that we talk on the phone, he talks about what he has done this day, but rarely asks me about my day. When he do this, I utter one sentence, and he starts to talk again, usually about him or something not really related to me.

I am not very talkable person, he is, so when he starts to talk, he talks for many minutes, and never show such direct interest as I mentioned. So I feel bad. I tried to explain him that, but he obviously doesn't understand. He feels OK all the time. I don't.

I am puzzled now. I would like to know what do you think about it - do I exaggerate, is it my fault that I cannot talk in an interesting way, is his attitude not good for me? What is normal? What are your experiences with that?

 

[cpix]

First, you have to realize that guys are generally like this. They don't listen. I'm a guy so I should know. Or maybe it's just me. Usually, when my girlfriend talks to me about something not seriously important, I know I should be listening but my mind starts drifting and I end up doing the whole smile and nod. I do try to show interest though to be courteous.

With that being said, the fact that your boyfriend doesn't seem to show any interest at all or care even after you talked to him about it might be a red flag. Maybe you guys should have a serious talk but this time let him know how important this is to you. And talk in person, not over the phone.

 

[hobo10]

I think the fact that he is a guy has a lot to do with it. Guys don't usually talk about little things like what they did today and stuff.

 

[ElenaF]

First, you have to realize that guys are generally like this. They don't listen. I'm a guy so I should know. Or maybe it's just me. Usually, when my girlfriend talks to me about something not seriously important, I know I should be listening but my mind starts drifting and I end up doing the whole smile and nod. I do try to show interest though to be courteous.

lol, thanks for reminding me that maybe in some part that is the case. From the other side, I notice how he talks to others and it's kinda different.

With that being said, the fact that your boyfriend doesn't seem to show any interest at all or care even after you talked to him about it might be a red flag. Maybe you guys should have a serious talk but this time let him know how important this is to you. And talk in person, not over the phone.

I talked in person, and talked seriously. But the topic disappears the next day as it would've never been mentioned, until I will speak about it again. I say 'Honey I feel bad, lets try to change it, please understand how I feel...' and later nothing changes. It happened many times. Well, maybe as you say it is a red flag for me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

How do you know if someone is truly interested in you?
With my bf I have the 'love' words, hugging, spending time together, but I miss understanding and listening to what I say. I feel a bit like a toy doll. It is really difficult to me because I have SA, I don't have anybody to talk to and it gets worse when I cannot even express myself properly to my bf. My self-esteem got really low.

 

[apartment7]

It's defintiely a red flag as someone else has said.

It's not a guy thing. I'm a guy and the disinterest you descrtibe was present in my last relationship. Women can do this as well. I was in denial at the time but I can see now that she just didn't care.

I actually used to try and get her to talk to me about things but she had no interest and used to get annoyed. Whereas I was completely interested in everything she had to say.

Another thing she did was always - and I mean always - disagree with everything I said and every opinion I held. It got to the point where I honestly believe if I said the sky was blue she'd have contradicted me. I longed for her to say, just once, something as simple as "yeah, I know what you mean" when I spoke about something. or like you say, even something as simple as an "oh really!".

My advice would be to stop being the passive listener and start to snap back. If he's going off on a monologue, try to interject something. If he doesn't react and just carries on talking, cut him off and say you have to go and end the conversation on your terms. It'll make you feel a lot better about things to start being more proactive.