What helps you the most?

1222 Views 33 Replies 9 Participants Last post by jmk2, 11 d ago

jmk2

Discussion Starter · 27 d ago

I'm here for my son who has SA and I'd really like to know what has helped you the most with your social anxiety?

My son didn't leave the house all winter, but has been out about 4 times now in the spring, twice to walk the dog with me and twice to drive around downtown. Anything you find helpful would be very interesting to me.

Please share.

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WillYouStopDave

· #2 · 27 d ago (Edited)

Being left alone. If I'm ever going to do anything, I will do it my way and in my own time. I need people to just be patient with me and not ride me about everything and not criticize everything I do. I need to be accepted as I am and that helps me to relax and not worry about what other people are thinking or what they're going to say or do next.

When someone is constantly riding me trying to force me to do things their way and right now, the (normally pretty small) rebel section of my brain takes over and causes me to be determined not to do whatever it is they want if it's the last thing I ever do. When people leave me alone and I get the feeling that they are with me no matter what, I can think clearly and organize my thoughts and see things objectively.

Reactions: 4

jmk2

Discussion Starter · #3 · 27 d ago (Edited)

WillYouStopDave said:
Being left alone. If I'm ever going to do anything, I will do it my way and in my own time. I need people to just be patient with me and not ride me about everything and not criticize everything I do. I need to be accepted as I am and that helps me to relax and not worry about what other people are thinking or what they're going to say or do next.

Will pass what you've said on to my wife as she is the one with the saddle and horse whip. I'm on the other end with wanting to leave him to resolve his issues by himself. Perhaps somewhere in the middle is where we need to be.

jmk2

Discussion Starter · #4 · 27 d ago

Me? I tend to error in the other direction and not ask anything of him.

jmk2

Discussion Starter · #5 · 27 d ago

Sorry, I don't want to go off topic in my own thread: what has helped you the most with your social anxiety?

valina

· #6 · 27 d ago

Depends on how old he is. It sounds like he isn't in school anymore (because you say he never leaves the house), so he is probably an adult?
Personally I think I was lucky I didn't have parents who even considered letting me live with them as an adult, let alone hide away in their house doing nothing all day and mooching off them. That is my personal view on my own life (as I know nothing about your son or your circumstances) and on how much worse my own life could have been had my parents enabled me to just hide.

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jmk2

Discussion Starter · #7 · 27 d ago

valina said:
Depends on how old he is. It sounds like he isn't in school anymore (because you say he never leaves the house), so he is probably an adult?
Personally I think I was lucky I didn't have parents who even considered letting me live with them as an adult, let alone hide away in their house doing nothing all day and mooching off them. That is my personal view on my own life (as I know nothing about your son or your circumstances) and on how much worse my own life could have been had my parents enabled me to just hide.

Right, and we're working with the situation now to turn it around. What helps you the most in your own progress, wherever you are now?

WillYouStopDave

· #8 · 27 d ago

valina said:
Depends on how old he is. It sounds like he isn't in school anymore (because you say he never leaves the house), so he is probably an adult?
Personally I think I was lucky I didn't have parents who even considered letting me live with them as an adult, let alone hide away in their house doing nothing all day and mooching off them. That is my personal view on my own life (as I know nothing about your son or your circumstances) and on how much worse my own life could have been had my parents enabled me to just hide.

Yeah. About that. Valina is apparently in Germany. If you're in the US, I wouldn't try this, as American prisons are absolutely full of people whose parents thought this would work here. Unless you don't care how he ends up as long as he isn't your problem anymore.

jmk2

Discussion Starter · #9 · 27 d ago

WillYouStopDave said:
Yeah. About that. Valina is apparently in Germany. If you're in the US, I wouldn't try this, as American prisons are absolutely full of people whose parents thought this would work here. Unless you don't care how he ends up as long as he isn't your problem anymore.

It's interesting that you would say that. He has talked about prison and what it would be like living there.

jmk2

Discussion Starter · #10 · 27 d ago

One thing we can do is list out the things we do for him that we can stop. For example buying groceries for him. We can stop doing that. We don't cook for him anymore he cooks for himself. We don't do his laundry anymore he does that for himself. I think we're going to make a list and start scratching things off that list one at a time

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jmk2

Discussion Starter · #11 · 27 d ago

Another thing we're going to do is have more social events in our home. We used to do things like that: have a couple over for dinner or watch a special sports event with guests. We're going to fix up our dining room and start using it again. Wife will be pleased.

Reactions: 2

Blue Dino

· #12 · 27 d ago (Edited)

My SA was never severe enough where I couldn't function nor do function life tasks, so I don't think my tips ever really help. My approach for the most part was... to realize that most people only pay more attention to themselves and worry about themselves over others, especially once they're past their teenage years. That realization and mindset helped me a lot in ridding my SA. I still have struggles dealing with mine in regards to actual relationships. Although I think your son is nowhere close to getting there yet. So I don't think my approach will help your son at all in any way for the time being.

You can probably continue what you're already doing with your son. Taking him on drives and dog walks. Maybe gradually up the intensity very slowly. Like walking into more crowded areas. Do dogs or animals relax him? If yes, you can try to get him into places with many dogs along with more people to try to ease him into it. For car drives, maybe drive him through more crowded places gradually, or try to suggest stopping by places for some quick errands and have him get out of the car with you to accompany you for it to walk around to these places.

Since u said your wife is mostly the one running things, and you sound like you're more as a supporting assisting role, maybe you can kind of play the role as the "good cop", so if your wife suggest something he might not like, you can kind of play the role of someone being more on his side and be the mediator to and someone he looks as that safety net person. Depending on how his relationship is with you as oppose his relationship is with mom.

.valina said:
Personally I think I was lucky I didn't have parents who even considered letting me live with them as an adult, let alone hide away in their house doing nothing all day and mooching off them. That is my personal view on my own life (as I know nothing about your son or your circumstances) and on how much worse my own life could have been had my parents enabled me to just hide.

I think thus, the reason OP made this thread. 😅

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valina

· #13 · 27 d ago

jmk2 said:
Right, and we're working with the situation now to turn it around. What helps you the most in your own progress, wherever you are now?

Getting away from my parents and school bullies lessened the anxiety naturally over the years. Collecting experiences over time of less negative interactions than those I had in my childhood and teen years, which maybe slowly reshapes my thinking. SA will always be there but I have worse mental problems than SA now.

Reactions: 2

valina

· #14 · 27 d ago

Blue Dino said:
I think thus, the reason OP made this thread. 😅

I see the opposite, he made the thread because he had already enabled his son to stay hidden. But every family has to figure out what is best for them and their situation. Perhaps it was the best choice for them.

Reactions: 2

jmk2

Discussion Starter · #15 · 27 d ago (Edited)

I REALLY APPRECIATE THE COMMENTS! You all are great in that you are making me think about this deeper and with more care for the family members involved than ever before. Your experiences with SA, insights relating to our present work with it, and our history is worth the time we spend here times a trillion.

Our son has had SA issues since preschool when he sat in his coat and boot "cubbie" the whole time school was in session. Will ask my wife how long that lasted. I think it was weeks. School was always a problem for him except for the years (2 or 3) he had teachers who reached him in very effective ways. And the police in our neighborhood last night reminded me of the time they helped us find him with a helicopter when he ran away from home as a young teen. Not fun.

Here are some changes we're making:

1. Attendance w wife at NAMI meetings for family support 2 Monday nights a month where we share our stories...

2. 8 weeks of NAMI training on mental illness in general. 2.5 hours each Wednesday.

3. Couples therapy so we can work on our differences in dealing with all this and our issues in general.

4. Couples therapy focused on helping our son with SA directly. This starts tomorrow and is w a different therapist than above.

5. I joined up here to see what I could learn from others with real experience in your own lives - where it really matters.

Any other advice is deeply appreciated. Your input is golden and is helping us earn our freedom - see the gold coin w the word 'freedom' on it that I'm using as an identifier to the left of my login 'jmk2'.

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jmk2

Discussion Starter · #16 · 27 d ago

6. I've stopped participating in several other forums to spend more time here. Lawnmowers, snowblowers, chain saws and sports forums are way less important than spending that time here, although I will continue my hobby of repairing small engine machines because it usually involves my son who is really good at it. He will stop complaining about society's problems and work w me on a machine in a heartbeat.

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jmk2

Discussion Starter · #17 · 26 d ago

Before he isolated this last winter he was doing some serious machining work w some old German Traub part makers in our garage. He took the electronics out of one and replaced them w new up to date stuff after researching it on the internet. Also, w some money his grandmother gave him he purchased a robot arm, computer system and was getting ready to set it up. I don't know why this all stopped when winter hit, but it did. He and I installed a heat vent in the garage to keep it from getting so cold.

I'm fixing a lawnmower out there now and the other day he came out and said he thinks he needs to sleep out there until he gets things going again. My response: Ok. But then nothing happened which is typical: all talk, no action.

jmk2

Discussion Starter · #18 · 26 d ago

Wife and I are going into action. We rearranged the dining room and are going to invite the neighbors over for dinner. He will probably exit to his room, but we're going to do it regardless. I got a new job and we're going to celebrate.

Reactions: 1

zonebox

· #19 · 25 d ago

I think it would be best to seek guidance from a qualified therapist, our advice could make things worse for him. I was going to suggest turning off the Internet, because for me, the Internet was not a thing when I was younger, for that matter we only had two televisions in the house, I had to get my entertainment elsewhere and that came from going outside. I had to work if I wanted any hobbies, as I would have to pay for them myself with the exception of gifts received on Christmas or my Birthday. You could be enabling this behavior, by providing an environment that accommodates his SA instead of challenging it - but I am not qualified to make those calls. I am not sure what sort of impact this would have on his mental health if he were to be suddenly taken out of whatever environment he has been acclimated to, or if he is even being enabled in the first place which is why you need to speak to a professional who is better equipped than I am at handling these sort of things. Whatever is causing his SA, may be entirely different than mine, whatever treatment works for him, may be different than what works for me. The last thing I would want to do is be responsible for any hardship he or you experience due to faulty advice that would only work for me.

I still have SA, it will forever be there for me, but I learned how to function out of necessity. That started at a younger age for me, and may not do so well with your son. I understand his hesitancy to see therapists, which is why it may be more valuable that you speak to a therapist on his behalf, to get some ideas on how to proceed to help your son navigate this social world of ours. Best of luck, and good job on trying to help him out, you obviously care a lot and that is fantastic.

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jmk2

Discussion Starter · #20 · 25 d ago

zonebox said:
I think it would be best to seek guidance from a qualified therapist, our advice could make things worse for him. I was going to suggest turning off the Internet, because for me, the Internet was not a thing when I was younger, for that matter we only had two televisions in the house, I had to get my entertainment elsewhere and that came from going outside. I had to work if I wanted any hobbies, as I would have to pay for them myself with the exception of gifts received on Christmas or my Birthday. You could be enabling this behavior, by providing an environment that accommodates his SA instead of challenging it - but I am not qualified to make those calls. I am not sure what sort of impact this would have on his mental health if he were to be suddenly taken out of whatever environment he has been acclimated to, or if he is even being enabled in the first place which is why you need to speak to a professional who is better equipped than I am at handling these sort of things. Whatever is causing his SA, may be entirely different than mine, whatever treatment works for him, may be different than what works for me. The last thing I would want to do is be responsible for any hardship he or you experience due to faulty advice that would only work for me.

I still have SA, it will forever be there for me, but I learned how to function out of necessity. That started at a younger age for me, and may not do so well with your son. I understand his hesitancy to see therapists, which is why it may be more valuable that you speak to a therapist on his behalf, to get some ideas on how to proceed to help your son navigate this social world of ours. Best of luck, and good job on trying to help him out, you obviously care a lot and that is fantastic.

Agree 100%. Appointment is tonight at 4PM. This therapist is different from the one my wife and I are seeing for ourselves. Today's mtg will be all about our son even though he won't be there.

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