Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
716 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I've figured out some pretty good stuff since I last posted...

I've been all over the place with "theories" and what-not, trying to figure out what's wrong with people in general, and how to make the most of life. Everything's been getting clearer and clearer the last little while, and I'd like to share some stuff and see if it helps some of you.

Since this is a social anxiety forum, I should start with relating my thoughts to those of us who has S.A.D. or experience S.A. on a regular basis.

Well, first we'd have to simply define S.A. Basically, all social anxiety is is a fear of social situations (and some how making a fool of yourself in a social situation) due to an irrational need for approval from others.

Social Anxiety is rooted in our egos. The ego is just the part of the mind that craves attention and approval from other people. Not just that, but it want's respect and even jealousy. The ego is purely competitive and wants you to be better than everyone else.

Even the want of love and acceptance comes from the ego. It revolves around what other people think of you (or what you think they think of you, anyway.)

Saying it like that makes it sound like it's our own fault we have S.A. But it's not; not really. See, humans are weird. Society has made it so that almost every person is ashamed of what they are. That's one of the big differences between humans and animals. Animals just act like what they are, while humans constantly try to be something they're not, because they're ashamed of what they really are.

The ego is the reason for that shame. But blaming everything on the ego doesn't solve anything, it just complicates things. Well, for the rest of this post, don't even worry about what is caused by the ego and what isn't caused by the ego, because it doesn't matter, I've figured out how to explain things more clearly and simply.

What controls your emotions? I'll tell you, it's how you perceive your circumstances. That's it. If you honestly think, "This sucks," then you will be unhappy. If you honestly think, "This is awesome," you will be happy. But that doesn't solve anything, yet.

What controls your perceptions? Basically what this question is asking is: How do we decide whether our circumstances are good or bad?

We have a set of beliefs which our mind references in order to determine whether something is good or bad.

For example, if you believe work is bad, you will be unhappy if you find out you have to work on a day you didn't expect to work.

Now that that's out of the way, we must ask: Where do our beliefs come from?

Side note: The word 'belief' can be a bit ambiguous, another way to say it is, "What we think."

When we are born we have no beliefs. We have nothing we would call 'knowledge'. We don't know what we are, we don't know anything about the world or about life. We are a blank slate.

We learn everything we are. Humans learn by example and imitation. This is how we learn how to talk, but it's also how we learn our behaviour.

If we are born without any beliefs, then how can we perceive our circumstances? If we have no preconceptions, how can we know if what we are experiencing is good or bad?

When we are still blank slates, we do not consider whether our circumstances are good or bad, that is irrelevant, instead we just experience the moment and try to learn about what's going on around us and what we are.

We watch people and we imitate them. We see them get angry, and we create the belief in our own minds that whatever got this person angry is not good. Then when we are exposed to the same type of situation, we too will get angry.

The people we are exposed to most when we are young are obviously our parents. With this being true, it's no wonder why there is the saying, "Like father like son," and, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." It's because we imitate these people and learn to think the same things that they think, because before that, we didn't think anything.

So, if you had a father that hated work, but tried to make you into a hard worker by telling you to do things around the house while he acted lazy, you would not learn to be a hard worker. You would learn to hate work, because he instilled the belief in you that work is bad. He actually accomplished the opposite of what he tried to do. (For the girls, I can't come up with a specific example because I'm a guy, but I'm sure you can think of something.)

We are born without opinions, which means we've learned all of our opinions. We don't really have control over our opinions, because they don't come from us, they come from our experiences and our environment, our mind just soaks it all up like a sponge.

We learn (by example and through imitation) what to think. If you understand that, then it should be a relief to know that whenever you are feeling really bad, it is not coming from you, but it is coming from the beliefs and way of thinking that you have learned by observing others.

How this applies to S.A.: We learn to want approval. We were exposed to an egotistical person, that we looked up to (hence the imitation), as a young child.

We learn to think things matter.

We learn to think certain things are good and certain things are bad.

The things we've learned are what determine our perceptions, and in turn control our emotions.

If you want to feel better about yourself, the first thing you should do is realize that the only reason you feel bad is because you are trying behave a way that is not natural.

This does not only apply to people with S.A., but those are some of the people that are effected the most by the beliefs they've learned and the way of thinking they've adopted.

I hope this helps.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
This truely made me think really hard about myself, and how this is learned behaviour. Thank you very much for this post. I'm going to meditate hard on this before I go to sleep. This makes a load of sense. Very well thought out, thanks again. ^^
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,460 Posts
i agree with u but i never really saw it that way thanks for sharing ur view of the situation, very accurate
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
357 Posts
I agree with some of this but I also believe that when you mature to a certain level, you use the things you have learnt in life, to make your own opinions of things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
716 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I agree with some of this but I also believe that when you mature to a certain level, you use the things you have learned in life, to make your own opinions of things.
Of course you make your own opinions, but where do they come from? If you had lived a different life you'd have different beliefs which would lead you to form different opinions.

That being said, how can those opinions truly be coming from 'you'?

The truth is, what 'you' really are is that blank slate you've always been. Knowing this isn't going to solve all your problems right away, but it might help you figure out a way to change your outlook on things instead of just thinking your circumstances suck.

Also, when you learn your behavior it doesn't necessarily mean you are learning to be the same as the person you are learning from, because it depends on your perception of that person, which has the possibility of not being completely accurate.

The reason we feel bad about ourselves is because we've learned to think that certain things are bad, and it just so happens, we are some of those things...

There's no reason to think that you are flawed in any way...

Would you look at a baby and think, "I don't like who this baby is," or anything like that? Of course not! We're practically animals, to expect anything more from ourselves is, I'll say it again, unnatural.

We are what we are, and we are all pretty much the exact same when it comes down to it. We live different lives, but that's the biggest difference between us.

So yeah, just remember there's no reason for you to think bad things about yourself.
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top