Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

· Registered
716 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey guys.

I just wanted to share some stuff I've recently thought of about unhappiness.

I've said in a few other posts that I think living in the moment is the solution to ridding ourselves of unhappiness, but it's not that easy to live in the moment.

Not judging anything, including yourself, was another thing I've said would make people truly happy. I had the feeling that not judging would also help people to be in the moment.

I asked myself today, "What stops us from living in the moment?" Why do we think about other things instead of just appreciating the moment?

The answer, I'm almost sure, is wanting. When we want something that we don't already have, we think about that thing we want. This takes us out of the moment. Not only that, but because we put this want on a pedestal, we think of our current situation in a negative light.

Ask yourself what you want. When you come up with a good answer, ask yourself why you want it. If you can answer the question, then ask yourself why again. Eventually you'll have to say, "I don't know." It's like a small child asking a simple question to an adult, then asking why repeatedly until the adult can't answer anymore. This is life.

As a child we don't think we know anything, and that's why kids are so happy. The older we get the more we think we know, and the more we think we know, the more we judge and the more we want. Then with maturity comes humility, and we slowly realize how little we know. This is why old people don't really care as much, probably also because times change and they feel more and more out of the loop.

But am I telling you not to want anything?

Not exactly. I think if you look deep inside yourself, you will find that there isn't much you actually want. If you play out all your wants in your head, and keep asking yourself why, you will realize that most of these wants come from the way you understand the world, which comes from years of conditioning.

Then you will realize your understanding isn't based on anything real, and you will want less and less.

When there are no wants present in your mind, you will be in the moment, and all your negative emotions should be gone.

Nothing I've said so far would be very effecting in an anxious situation, but it should make you feel better once you are alone afterward and feeling bad about yourself.

I'm going to try different things out in social situations and see how quickly I can snap out of any negative mindset. I'll probably say something like, "Why should I want?" and come up with other things if that doesn't work. Edit: Now I'm thinking it might have to do with accepting that our understandings are false instead of telling ourselves how silly it is to want, but still working at it.

I hope this clicks with some people and makes them feel better.

· HaloOfDarkness
613 Posts
Living in the moment is hard for me, seems my moment is more of a routine. Get up, go to work, do my job, come home, play with the dog, take a shower, get on the computer, watch tv, brush my teeth, go to bed and repeat. Holy s**t, that's scary.

Unhappiness comes from?????? True Happiness is????? Misery follows when???????
It's so much to figure out because it could be triggered by so many different things. Can it even be repaired?

I'd love to just jump in and do things without ever over analyzing everything. If someone says "hey lets go to the roller rink?" , I would most likely say "yes" because I don't want them to think I'm an a**hole if I said no. Would if they invited me places three different times on three different occassions and every time I said "no", then they'd get the idea and tell everyone "hey this girl doesn't go out much does she" and then I'd just look like an a**. For the most part, I'd say I live in the moment or I try to, I am unhappy about alot of things but I have found happiness.

· Registered
75 Posts
A7, what a lovely and profound post that was! Thanks. It makes you think about things a bit differently and observe them from another perspective. :clap

And OrganicWildRoot,

Living in the moment is hard for me, seems my moment is more of a routine. Get up, go to work, do my job, come home, play with the dog, take a shower, get on the computer, watch tv, brush my teeth, go to bed and repeat. Holy s**t, that's scary.
(What kind of dog do you have?) I'll probably be getting one later this year, and was wondering if having him/her helped at all with SA (going to training classes, bumping into other dog walkers, going to dog parks, etc.) .

· P4
1,239 Posts
I dunno, I think I think differently to you. I did come to a point where I thought about what I want and how much anxiety that caused compared to what we need(basic necessities). As long as we have a few good friends, there's no need to have many and worry about how you look in other's eyes... (my 'want' is pretty much an active social life)

But then I had a slipery slope kind of situation, we only need minimal materialistic things to survive, minimal contact with others for mental stability, minimalistic dreams? Then what's the point of trying, why bother trying when what you want is so easily attainable?
Sorry if I sound so negative, but we need goals, we need wants. However they have to be achievable wants. Too high and you'll be to anxious to ever attempt it, too low and ... to me anyways, things seem pointless.

But perhaps you're refering to something known as keeping up with the johanses? Basically everything your neighbor has, beautiful lawn, expensive car, impressive job, you too will also want. The stress you get for trying to achieve an unattainable goal prevents you from actually trying, thus we must settle for what we have. But that doesn't mean we settle with a dodgey car from a second hand dealer using the money you earn from a crappy job, you go for the most decent car you can afford - using the money from the job that bests suits you - without making you broke.

argh, I'm not sure if I'm making any sense >< but I hope you get the drift :)

· Registered
716 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Hey Judi.

We are not on the same page at all, and I think that's why you see what I'm saying as a negative thing.

I don't suggest you stop doing things because you have no desire.

What I'm talking about is realizing your wants are false so that you can alleviate the fear. This will allow you to do many more things, but you won't have the pressure on yourself to do them.

When you realize your wants are false, you lose that urgency of "Oh, I'm missing out on something right now." But that urgency actually holds you back because not only does it make you miserable, it doesn't make you a very attractive person to others. It comes out in your attitude and it's off-putting.

So without fear you would be able to do more things, but the catch is, you wouldn't get that false sense of happiness after you've done them. You will have no reason to pat yourself on the back after every time you have a social success because if you truly don't WANT it then it won't be a big deal to you. It will just be something you did in the past, oh well, let's focus on the present, type of thing.

Let me break down your want. Sorry if you disagree, I can't read your mind to get your actual answers:

What do I want? An active social life.

Why? Because I want to be normal and fit it.

Why? Because I want to be accepted and for people to like me or treat in a positive way.

Why? I don't know.


So that's how I see it.

The reason for this, like I said, is your false understanding of the world. You think it is important to fit in, but you don't know why. It's been drilled into your head because naturally, we learn through example. Basically EVERYONE has these false understandings and it's pretty ****ed up. It causes a ton of stress on everyone's lives for no reason.

Realize that you actually don't understand what is important in life, because we don't know anything. We really don't. This false sense of understanding basically ruins lives as far as I'm concerned. Does it matter? No. But I'd rather live properly and have fun.

I don't know if this has helped, but I hope.

I think I was a little more clear in this post than the OP actually.

Good luck feeling better :)

· Recluse
835 Posts
Brain chemistry. Some peoples' are messed up and it defies logic, they should be happy but aren't. I thought I was this way but several antidepressants have proved ineffective so I don't think it applies to me.

What is the moment? One second? I can live from one to the next but I am in a constant state of unhappiness. What do I want? My dopamine receptors stimulated.

· Banned
1,198 Posts
i think PART of unhappiness is due to not knowing how to TRUELY love or not knowing what TRUE true love is. cus if one does know how to TRULY love one cannot be TRULY loved.

one cannot know what true love is unless one has first been truly loved fist. if one has anger in theirs hearts one will never truly love unless they get rid of that anger. true love lasts for ever where as FAKE love last for a few moments.

another part of unhappiness is not knowing how to TRUELY appreciate peoples efforts and not knowing what TRUE appreciation means. cus if one can not truly appreciate something one will not be truly appreciated.

one cannot know what true appreciation is unless one has first been truly appreciated first.

another part of unhappiness is being alone. one cannot be truly happy alone as happiness is born between two. it takes two to make one. with out black there would not be white, with out negative there's no positive, with out god there's no devil.

another part of unhappiness is being neglected as everyone seeks attention. everyone tries to do things to get others attention cus attention makes us feel important. feeling important makes us feel valuable which makes us happy.

there are many things that cause unhappiness but one cannot not be truly happy all day all the time because with out sadness one would not know what happiness is. the important thing is to keep it balanced either by doing it knowingly or naively.

yeah i think different :)

· Banned
41 Posts
Well as someone already said you would really like Buddhism and yeah I believe there's lots of truth in this.

2. The origin of suffering is attachment.

The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof. Transient things do not only include the physical objects that surround us, but also ideas, and -in a greater sense- all objects of our perception. Ignorance is the lack of understanding of how our mind is attached to impermanent things. The reasons for suffering are desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Because the objects of our attachment are transient, their loss is inevitable, thus suffering will necessarily follow. Objects of attachment also include the idea of a "self" which is a delusion, because there is no abiding self. What we call "self" is just an imagined entity, and we are merely a part of the ceaseless becoming of the universe.

Check this out:
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.