[jk1975]

I feel I may need some advise and even though I don't post on forums, getting advise from people I don't know seems to be the easiest.

I know something's wrong because I don't know when the last time I had a good friend, or someone I would consider a friend, was and it's been over 4 years since I even had interest in finding a girlfriend. I can talk to people fine - in my 20's (I'm 34 now) I loved to play music live in front of an audience, the bigger the better. Now, I have a successful career as a training specialist, talking in front of a class, training, for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Most of my life has been in front of a crowd, one way or another. I get along with everybody I meet and I am a friendly individual but not a "pushover".

I see the problem when I look at deeper social issues, like relationships. I even get nervous talking to my mother, which I force myself to do at least once or twice a year. My twin sister lives in the same city as me but I have an extremely hard time even admitting that to myself. When it comes to other people, I don't even try to get to know them unless I've been around them for at least a year or so, but I won't hangout. I can easily talk to women (the opposite sex), joke around with them and I enjoy their company, but I can't take it any further. I get really nervous when someone even attempts to hug me or invade my personal space, what ever the sex (no problem shaking hands though). Yeah, I know, this is probably silly but it is what it is. I don't see myself unattractive except for I did gain some weight (25 lb., which I'm dealing with) since turning 30. The bit I read on social anxiety would lead me to believe I should hate talking in front of people, but I don't hate it, I like it and I'm very very good at it, so I'm extremely confused and it's driving me bonkers. Some times, like now, I get really lonely, to the point of getting emotionally "choked-up" and I wish I knew what to do.

Enough already, just want to see if anybody has any productive and positive suggestions.

 

[spar00]

Since you have trouble with deeper relationships, could it be that you fear letting others know the real you? When playing in front of an audience, you will only show the side of you that you want others to see. With family and closer relationships though, you're forced to be more open. If that is the case, I guess it could possibly be a form of social anxiety.

...That's all I have, I apologize for not being of more help to you. I hope someone else can give the help you're looking for.

 

[millenniumman75]

I am also 34, a NEW 34 though .

Well, here, people tend to open up a bit about what bothers them, but the real stuff is in real life. I am in a similar predicament as you. I go to church, so my chances of finding a mature person in that setting is a bit higher than outside, mainly due to pride and society. Humility is probably more the word I am looking for. This gives me a better chance of finding people I can be real with.

My goal is to find male friends first.

 

[shadowmask]

I understand your frustration with establishing relationships. I'm also usually able to function on the "surface" in social situations, but anytime another person shows interest in me personally, I freak out. I think it's because I have a deep-seated belief that the "real" me is universally unlikable and will be rejected immediately. It's that seemingly inevitable rejection that terrifies me. It's possible that you could be in the same situation, but of course I can't say for sure.

Do you have any self-esteem issues? It could be that you feel unworthy of intimate attention from another person. Perhaps if you work on accepting who you are, it would help. It's what I'm trying to do at the moment.

 

[xyzhousexyz]

I am almost the same way, I love the attention from a crowd. I'm in school and we have to present our art work, and i LOVE that part. But when it's someone elses turn to present I don't say anything about there work. It's weird, i like the attention but i don't like getting the attention.
My advice would be picking one person to open up to you think you may trust, and tell them about this specific issue, just do as lil as possible, as much as possible. Get used to opening up and you'll be fine. Our SA sufferers problem is we dont keep trying once we fail we use failures as a reason to justify our irrational fears and thoughts. Just do the smallest thing you can think of to open up and do it multiple times till it's no big deal.
hope i helped

 

[xyzhousexyz]

I understand your frustration with establishing relationships. I'm also usually able to function on the "surface" in social situations, but anytime another person shows interest in me personally, I freak out. I think it's because I have a deep-seated belief that the "real" me is universally unlikable and will be rejected immediately. It's that seemingly inevitable rejection that terrifies me. It's possible that you could be in the same situation, but of course I can't say for sure.

Do you have any self-esteem issues? It could be that you feel unworthy of intimate attention from another person. Perhaps if you work on accepting who you are, it would help. It's what I'm trying to do at the moment.

its funny because im the complete oppisite i cannot function on the surface but when it comes to intamacy and the "real" me i am very confident that im likable, it jut garnering that external interest

 

[jk1975]

Thanks for the responses, gives me a lot to think about. I'm going to try some of these, even though they seem impossibly hard, but we'll see what happens.