Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
516 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I guess my question is, what does being a friend involve? I'm trying hard to socialize and get myself out there, but I'm repeatedly asking myself, what's the point? I guess if anything I'm sharpening my social skills and allowing myself to be around other people, which is cool, but I'm just finding it hard to see why hanging out with these people is important. I feel like there is a big piece that is missing that is preventing me from having any kind of depth with people, and I don't know if its me or if its the enviornment that I'm in, or if its something that just normal.

So my main question is this, are friendships supposed to seem this trivial? It seems like conversation topics lack any kind of depths, is that normal? Literally, what are friends for? (and just for the record I'm a college boy, hanging out with other college kids, which can maybe explain why it this way).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
That's a hard question to answer, and it's something that I believe is hard to verbalize.
I suppose some people - perhaps you - don't need friends. For me it's a shoulder to lean on, someone with whom I can sympathize with and enjoy things with. If you can't understand it maybe that's not you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,689 Posts
Whats the point of friends? Hmm, its like that old saying "if you share something bad its only half as bad and if you share something good its twice as good."
 

·
···---···
Joined
·
3,375 Posts
No hard rules as to what friendship is. At that stage in life, you should probably try to meet lots of different people and eventually you'll find more meaningful friendships. I wouldn't worry too much about conversations lacking depth as it can take some time for trust to develop. That being said, most of the deeper friendships I've had clicked right away.

As you get older, friendships start to be more about work and employment... at least for me it did. It's not only that you interact with those you work with, friendships really seem to be about networking. Younger people want mentors and older people seem to want to groom you to fit into their 'network'. As you get established in your field, people will want to befriend you. It feels weird to describe it like that... but I guess that's survival. At a certain point in my life it seemed like that was the only type of friend I was making... it was all about networking. It's not necessarily a bad thing... you obviously have stuff to talk about. That's just been my experience.
 

·
Retired Enforcer
Joined
·
19,112 Posts
Friends do things together. It's kind of like dating without the sexual tension.
It can be as simple as just sitting around talking or an activity like a hike or museum visit. Maybe take in a movie or go to a concert. Friends are people that you have a common interest with so there should be things that you like to do together.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
728 Posts
Different friends have different needs. I try to avoid outgoing types, because they pressure you to do things and go places alot.

Friends are good if they are non-judgemental, and see you for who you are, rather than what they want you to be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
It sounds like the people you've tried to be friends with just aren't going to be close friends for you. I have a group of friends, and we share common interests...but I don't really connect with them, and I usually don't want to go hang out with them. I've had a few other friends that I connect really well with and have alot of fun just talking to them, these were people who see things the way I do. I think you've just ran into people who don't see things the way you do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
516 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hm thanks for that advice, I guess I what I'm really here for is to talk about one friend in particular. I used to be close to one friend in particular, and it just seems like he distanced himself from me, and I don't know if its me, or if its him, but it just seems like we don't talk about anything that interests both of us like we used to, there seems to be lacking that enthusiasm we used to have about talking about our interests with each other. And I guess if anything I'm just here to validate the fact that its not all my own fault and that it can be fixed. But what's your honest opinion? what should I do to fix it?

I feel like I shouldn't take responsibility for my friendship, and that it'll just work itself out. But that obviously never happens at this stage of my life. hah, it seems like things used to work itself out a lot more when I was younger, now all of a sudden I find that if I don't take action things get worse, my SA as a prime example.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
179 Posts
Im having kind of the same problem...but its because im trying to avoid friends as much as possible...its not that i dont want to talk to them..its just that i don't feel comfortable
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
So my main question is this, are friendships supposed to seem this trivial? .
Ha! I know exactly what you mean. I think for a lot of so-called "normal" people "friends" are just a distraction from the meaningless of existence! My boyfriend's friendship group is like that. Hardly any conversation. Lots of drinking. Computer games. Not much else. I can do without it frankly. But then I often do feel sad that I don't feel that comfortable with anyone. And there are times when its nice to have that buffer from loneliness.

With the few somewhat genuine friends I have, it is a lot about going to a cafe or quiet bar and talking for an hour or so about our lives and what's going on. About what we are having trouble with, any "issues", a lot about relationships and career or university. Those friends are worth it. Its nice to feel that someone understands what you are about. But for me, those friends are few and far between.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
54 Posts
Hm thanks for that advice, I guess I what I'm really here for is to talk about one friend in particular. I used to be close to one friend in particular, and it just seems like he distanced himself from me, and I don't know if its me, or if its him, but it just seems like we don't talk about anything that interests both of us like we used to, there seems to be lacking that enthusiasm we used to have about talking about our interests with each other. And I guess if anything I'm just here to validate the fact that its not all my own fault and that it can be fixed. But what's your honest opinion? what should I do to fix it?

I feel like I shouldn't take responsibility for my friendship, and that it'll just work itself out. But that obviously never happens at this stage of my life. hah, it seems like things used to work itself out a lot more when I was younger, now all of a sudden I find that if I don't take action things get worse, my SA as a prime example.
Usually, as soon as I get close with people, this is what happens, and I'm beginning to think it's because there's something that I want out of friendship, that I haven't been able to find in anyone...and I have no idea what that thing I'm looking for is. All I know is that it either makes me stop caring about hanging out with certain people because I feel like nothing meaningful is happening, or certain people stop hanging out with me because they feel like that with me, even though I rack my head trying to fix the friendship, feeling completely responsible for it, and then watch it fall apart anyways.

I also hoped that things would just work out, and that I wouldn't have to try to take so much responsibility, but as they ended it left me wondering if maybe we just weren't meant to be friends...even if I still want to be theirs.

With that thought in mind, I move on and try to find new ones. It just kind of sucks since I already exhausted the "handed to me on a platter" friends I got from school, and now I actually have to look really hard just to meet a person or two that seems like a possible friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,626 Posts
You just have to find people you can relate to and not everyone is going to relate to you in the same way. It also takes time to form bonds, experiences that are shared and memories that are created.

It takes time and it takes patience. Just keep an open-mind.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
577 Posts
Well if you're a guy friendships usually revolve around some kind've activity or belief system you might share together, for girls it's usually just the conversating and socializing aspect.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Top