Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 20 of 44 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
768 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
We've all met people like this. In classes, at work, at a social gathering, party, etc. It's that person who seems to make everyone around them want to talk and laugh. You know the one, you're out with some people, and there's this one person in the group who just brings out the festive mood in everyone around them. And they do it so effortlessly.

But have you every really wondered 'why' this is? Have you ever stopped to think....what are THEY doing so differently than everyone else? I like to ponder things like this in hopes that I can learn from some of these people.

I'm sure there's no magic bullet, but I'm always amazed at people like this. I've been around these types of people in college and work. And it's interesting how it doesn't seem to matter the situtation. I've gone into brand new environments with them, with a new group of people, where no-one knows each other, and given a short amount of time, they start to become the center of attention again.



So I ask YOU, my fellow SA'r, what do you think contributes to this phenomenon?



I'll jot down a few ideas myself to get started, these are just things I've witnessed:


-I would have said looks have something to do with it, but then I remembered back, and I've seen even so-so looking people be wildly successful at this, so I don't think looks play a very big role, if any.

-Giving off a positive vibe (Smiling, just being forward/friendly, being the first to saying something). Your smile is the first thing people notice, it makes a big difference in your approachablity. (Just ask yourself, would YOU approach yourself?).

-Talking at an audible level, laughing out loud at other jokes, people DO notice this.

-Not being so serious, keeping it light.

-Being a 'group' participant. I think people are more comfortable around those who they witness participating in group conversations. (vs. 1:1).

-Having stories, experiences to share. (I talked about this in another thread, I think this is a really important one, and you not only have to do it, you have to be good at it).

-Humor, the more the better. However it can be injected into conversations, the more the better. Humor breaks the ice, it instantly bonds people and puts them both into similar frames of mind.

-Being friendly and helpful. People respond positively to it.

-BS - I often wonder if BS is a bigger player in this than we realize. Some of the most socially successful people I've been around were masters of BS. They told everyone what they wanted to hear, and it worked for them. (I have problems with this one though, as I like to feel genuine when I'm trying to interact with others. And often times, you can see right through a BS'r. But hey, if it works, it works).


I know these are just the tip of the iceberg, and I know it's a combination of skills. But, I'd really like to know what you guys think? We all know people like this, what do you think makes them tick? Stop and think about it, and post your ideas please.
 

·
Cool story, bro!
Joined
·
986 Posts
Alcohol is the only needed ingredient.


I'm literally the life of the party whenever I go out. I've been told that by everyone I hang out with. I completely change into a different person and there's nothing that I won't do or say. It's sad though because everyone I hang out with that aren't good friends tell me that they like 'drunk chris' better.

They ask me 'what's wrong' when I'm sober and have commets like "why dont you talk?!" or they'll tell their friends "usually he's really funny" but when I started getting buzzed its 'ohhh! you can tell chris is almost drunk' because my voice raises and I start making jokes and just going around to everyone else there.


I've often wondered what it would be like to be constantly drunk, minus the actually being drunk part.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
768 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Alcohol is the only needed ingredient.

I'm literally the life of the party whenever I go out. I've been told that by everyone I hang out with. I completely change into a different person and there's nothing that I won't do or say. It's sad though because everyone I hang out with that aren't good friends tell me that they like 'drunk chris' better.

They ask me 'what's wrong' when I'm sober and have commets like "why dont you talk?!" or they'll tell their friends "usually he's really funny" but when I started getting buzzed its 'ohhh! you can tell chris is almost drunk' because my voice raises and I start making jokes and just going around to everyone else there.

I've often wondered what it would be like to be constantly drunk, minus the actually being drunk part.
I wish that were true, that it was the 'only' ingredient. I've been drunk several times, it has the opposite effect on me. I actually become more quiet. My thought processes slow way down, making it even more difficult for me to try to jump into a conversation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
I think it is one of those things where either you kind of have it or not. And just because you do not have it in one situation does not mean that you will not have "it" in another.

Most of the time I am not considered what you would call "life of the party" but every once in a while I can be depending on the change in environment/atmosphere (usually happens when I am sort of more familiar with/knowledgable of the stuff that the situation/atmosphere sort of "brings out").

I think it is more of an introvert/extrovert thing than anything. Like with certain people (extroverts) this sort of personality just comes out and they do not have to force it. While with others (like you and me) it does not feel very natural, almost like you have to create opportunities and time them to sort of try and chime in with some comment (kind of like timing it right when you want to jump into a jump rope back when you were in the 1st grade). I hope you can sort of relate to what I am saying because I too have thought about this same question Jeff.

Example: last week a friend invited me to a party - now whenever I am in that environment (with plenty of people) and I decide not to drink, I stay quiet and a bit isolated. I have kept on thinking to myself, "What can I do to improve" - but in the end when you put me in that environment I always go back to how I was. Now when I got invited last week I thought, "F it, I will go there and at the end of the night, however I end up behaving is what I will be comfortable with." And yeah, like I said I went back to my old patterns but I realized this - it is perfectly okay how I behaved. What I finally DID realize is that I do not like parties and that is okay as well. I realized that I am not happy when I am in that environment and therefore I will stop going to them. Before I think I was too focused on self-improvement, like it would drive me a bit crazy knowing that I am not acting like the way I intend to - maybe it was out of some insecurities or just ignorance on what I am like.

One thing I learned after reading about positive psychology, studies in psychology related to the "good life" (mostly happiness) - is that if you want to become happier, do not try so overcome your weaknesses, but instead focus on your strengths. This helped me realize where I need to redirect my goals concerning myself and it also made me realize that I am okay with who I am as a person and just because I am not open as much as others really does not make me inferior or have to be seen as a weakness, it is just different. It sounds cliche I know, but I realized that I should just strive to focus on doing what will make me happy. Which also brings me to another thing I learned through some readings of positive psychology - which is that people who do not make social comparisons between themselves and others are happier. So when I used to compare myself with others and their extroversion, all it did was make me feel less adequate about myself because I thought there was something wrong with me, when it actuality that is not the case at all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
153 Posts
humor and storytelling skills is usually what makes ppl like that, at least for guys

with women, you dont really have to hot to be the life of the party, some of the funniest women i ever met werent drop dead gorgeous...its either you have it or you dont, you cant improve unless you know what your already like in these situations...im a pretty social person, i got quite a sense of humor but i SUCK at telling stories lol...but its ok though, i dont mind if im not the centre of attention, i'd rather just find a girl i hit if off with and usually have her as the focus rather than worrying about if im being talked to by everyone at the party
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
768 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Which also brings me to another thing I learned through some readings of positive psychology - which is that people who do not make social comparisons between themselves and others are happier. So when I used to compare myself with others and their extroversion, all it did was make me feel less adequate about myself because I thought there was something wrong with me, when it actuality that is not the case at all.
Great point. I just wish I believed myself when I tell myself I don't care. I find it hard not to compare. If I wasn't socially anxious, I probably wouldn't compare myself to others as much.

And to be honest, I really don't want to be the center of attention. I'm just fascinated by those in that 'upper echelon' of extroverts. They are the best of the best. For someone who's trying to find his way out of introversion-hell, who better to look at than one of these types of people? Many SA experts push the idea of 'coping or managing your SA'. I would rather aim higher than that, and hope that I fall somewhere BETWEEN 'managing my sa' and being the life of the party (or in the case of Dos Equis, "The Most Interesting Man in The World", har har).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
225 Posts
We've all met people like this. In classes, at work, at a social gathering, party, etc. It's that person who seems to make everyone around them want to talk and laugh. You know the one, you're out with some people, and there's this one person in the group who just brings out the festive mood in everyone around them. And they do it so effortlessly.

But have you every really wondered 'why' this is? Have you ever stopped to think....what are THEY doing so differently than everyone else? I like to ponder things like this in hopes that I can learn from some of these people.

I'm sure there's no magic bullet, but I'm always amazed at people like this. I've been around these types of people in college and work. And it's interesting how it doesn't seem to matter the situtation. I've gone into brand new environments with them, with a new group of people, where no-one knows each other, and given a short amount of time, they start to become the center of attention again.

So I ask YOU, my fellow SA'r, what do you think contributes to this phenomenon?

I'll jot down a few ideas myself to get started, these are just things I've witnessed:

-I would have said looks have something to do with it, but then I remembered back, and I've seen even so-so looking people be wildly successful at this, so I don't think looks play a very big role, if any.

-Giving off a positive vibe (Smiling, just being forward/friendly, being the first to saying something). Your smile is the first thing people notice, it makes a big difference in your approachablity. (Just ask yourself, would YOU approach yourself?).

-Talking at an audible level, laughing out loud at other jokes, people DO notice this.

-Not being so serious, keeping it light.

-Being a 'group' participant. I think people are more comfortable around those who they witness participating in group conversations. (vs. 1:1).

-Having stories, experiences to share. (I talked about this in another thread, I think this is a really important one, and you not only have to do it, you have to be good at it).

-Humor, the more the better. However it can be injected into conversations, the more the better. Humor breaks the ice, it instantly bonds people and puts them both into similar frames of mind.

-Being friendly and helpful. People respond positively to it.

-BS - I often wonder if BS is a bigger player in this than we realize. Some of the most socially successful people I've been around were masters of BS. They told everyone what they wanted to hear, and it worked for them. (I have problems with this one though, as I like to feel genuine when I'm trying to interact with others. And often times, you can see right through a BS'r. But hey, if it works, it works).

I know these are just the tip of the iceberg, and I know it's a combination of skills. But, I'd really like to know what you guys think? We all know people like this, what do you think makes them tick? Stop and think about it, and post your ideas please.
For starters they didn't make an essay on why they are sociable.
 

·
wtf
Joined
·
419 Posts
Ok, the few times in my life when I felt like I was the life of the party, it was due to the following reasons:

1. A feeling of invincibility: I can do or say anything without bad consequences. This is probably why being drunk helps some people.

2. A feeling that I am just as capable, knowledgeable, and funny as anyone else- if not more so.

3. Confidence that other people WILL respond, and that their reactions will be FAVORABLE. I must feel like people will like me, will not ignore me, and are genuinely interested in me. If I show genuine interest in them and don't ignore them, they will usually act in kind.

4. A feeling that I am not scared of anyone. People can sense if you are scared of them, and this is quite turn-off.

5. I think this is the most important thing: A feeling that I am helping other people: that by meeting me, they are receiving some kind of BENEFIT. You have to feel like it will do people good to be associated with you. You have something to offer and you want to help them feel comfortable in the group. It does NOT have to be egocentric...it can be very altruistic in fact. If you genuinely care about people being comfortable and entertained, then you will be less focused on yourself and more focused on others, which will naturally lead you to talk and act like a likable and entertaining person (as long as you're not consumed by anxiety, lol, although this thinking might lessen your anxiety). I think this is the key. You want people to feel good, right? So make them feel good. It's not about you impressing them, it's about you being impressed BY them and expressing this candidly. That is what people like. They will pay attention to you then.

Also, I think it's important to observe people and express those observations (not bad ones obviously). This keeps them engaged. People don't want to just sit and listen to you (unless you are a TREMENDOUS entertainer), they want to feel involved.

As far as who is considered "interesting", I might be wrong, but I think the most interesting people are usually the most honest...even if they come off as inappropriate at times. If you feel like telling someone how good they look, tell them they look good. If you feel the energy to dance, dance. If you want to high five someone, high five them. etc. etc.

Also, I don't know if this works for guys, but as a girl, if I just laugh a lot, that is usually enough for most people to like me and want to be around me...even if I don't have much to say.

By the way, I don't necessarily like all people who are the "life of the party". I think they sometimes (the egocentric ones at least) drain the energy out of other people.

I also need to emphasize that I am NOT the life of the party in 99% of cases. If I ever was, it was a big mistake, haha. My confidence was God accidentally giving me some self-esteem...but he quickly remembered to put me back where I belong, lol.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
768 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
Ok, the few times in my life when I felt like I was the life of the party, it was due to the following reasons:

1. A feeling of invincibility: I can do or say anything without bad consequences. This is probably why being drunk helps some people.

2. A feeling that I am just as capable, knowledgeable, and funny as anyone else- if not more so.

3. Confidence that other people WILL respond, and that their reactions will be FAVORABLE. I must feel like people will like me, will not ignore me, and are genuinely interested in me. If I show genuine interest in them and don't ignore them, they will usually act in kind.

4. A feeling that I am not scared of anyone. People can sense if you are scared of them, and this is quite turn-off.

5. I think this is the most important thing: A feeling that I am helping other people: that by meeting me, they are receiving some kind of BENEFIT. You have to feel like it will do people good to be associated with you. You have something to offer and you want to help them feel comfortable in the group. It does NOT have to be egocentric...it can be very altruistic in fact. If you genuinely care about people being comfortable and entertained, then you will be less focused on yourself and more focused on others, which will naturally lead you to talk and act like a likable and entertaining person (as long as you're not consumed by anxiety, lol, although this thinking might lessen your anxiety). I think this is the key. You want people to feel good, right? So make them feel good. It's not about you impressing them, it's about you being impressed BY them and expressing this candidly. That is what people like. They will pay attention to you then.

Also, I think it's important to observe people and express those observations (not bad ones obviously). This keeps them engaged. People don't want to just sit and listen to you (unless you are a TREMENDOUS entertainer), they want to feel involved.

As far as who is considered "interesting", I might be wrong, but I think the most interesting people are usually the most honest...even if they come off as inappropriate at times. If you feel like telling someone how good they look, tell them they look good. If you feel the energy to dance, dance. If you want to high five someone, high five them. etc. etc.

Also, I don't know if this works for guys, but as a girl, if I just laugh a lot, that is usually enough for most people to like me and want to be around me...even if I don't have much to say.

By the way, I don't necessarily like all people who are the "life of the party". I think they sometimes (the egocentric ones at least) drain the energy out of other people.

I also need to emphasize that I am NOT the life of the party in 99% of cases. If I ever was, it was a big mistake, haha. My confidence was God accidentally giving me some self-esteem...but he quickly remembered to put me back where I belong, lol.
Great observations Ms. Alo, I especially agree with your #4. I think you're right, people DO pick up on your anxiety, and if affects the behavior they then reciprocate. I think you really have to give off the vibe that you want back in return. And yes, laughing out loud helps. I think this is especially true when you are new to a group. Like it or not, people are observing and forming opinions of you right away. They are sizing you up socially, in order to determine how THEY will act around you. "Are you a friend, a foe, a challenge, a pushover, an ally, a threat....how does this new person fit within the social group dynamic". All of these things are being evaluated, and often it's the signals you give off that determine that. Do you laugh out loud? Do you joke around, do you smile, do you engadge, do you argue, etc etc. First impressions have a lot to do with it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
298 Posts
Not hard at all. I've done it a bunch of times with people I'm comfortable with. Just let yourself go, don't hold back a single thought, and say everything that comes to mind no matter how stupid. However, the key is to have a sense of humor, and an uncanny ability to be self-critical yet overconfident at the same time. I've seen some people that are just plain overconfident and so full of themselves that I quietly tell them to shut up everytime they open their mouths.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
768 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Can you elaborate on the BS part? Do you just mean they compliment them and suck up to them?
From what I've seen, the primary objective of a good BS'r is treating everyone around them like a best friend, whether they regard you as such or not. Usually by being overly freindly, compliments, small talk, etc...all to an excessive degree. These same people will usually turn around and bad mouth that same person behind their back. It's similar to the ***-kissing you see on a daily basis in the business world, yet taken to another level by kissing up to 'everyone', no matter how they really feel about you.

It's not very genuine, but I've seen people do this quite effectively, and make A LOT of friends this way. I don't necessarily condone it, just saying I've seen it work for people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Never have been the life of the party, never would want to be.

I know it sucks to live with social anxiety, but at least when I go to sleep at night I know that I'm not one of those annoying fake extroverted conformists.
 

·
wtf
Joined
·
419 Posts
Not hard at all. I've done it a bunch of times with people I'm comfortable with. Just let yourself go, don't hold back a single thought, and say everything that comes to mind no matter how stupid. However, the key is to have a sense of humor, and an uncanny ability to be self-critical yet overconfident at the same time. I've seen some people that are just plain overconfident and so full of themselves that I quietly tell them to shut up everytime they open their mouths.
Yep, I especially agree with the bolded words.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
From what I've seen, the primary objective of a good BS'r is treating everyone around them like a best friend, whether they regard you as such or not. Usually by being overly freindly, compliments, small talk, etc...all to an excessive degree. These same people will usually turn around and bad mouth that same person behind their back. It's similar to the ***-kissing you see on a daily basis in the business world, yet taken to another level by kissing up to 'everyone', no matter how they really feel about you.

It's not very genuine, but I've seen people do this quite effectively, and make A LOT of friends this way. I don't necessarily condone it, just saying I've seen it work for people.
Oh, yeah I've seen people like that. They are really popular, but I've also seen them get badmouthed a lot behind their backs too so I dont' know
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,198 Posts
either you are born with it or you are not. if you want to be the life of the party but were not born with it, you can hang around a lot with 'the life of the party' guy and it will rub off on you. but you will have to laugh at everything that person says. you will have to take that persons abuse and laugh it off. i've seen this happened before. my brother is the life of the party, i am the thinker. every friend that he has had becomes the life of the party in a way. and i'm talking about reserved church guys, timid guys etc...if you laugh at their jokes they will keep you as a "friend" and sooner or later it will rub off on you
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
497 Posts
We've all met people like this. In classes, at work, at a social gathering, party, etc. It's that person who seems to make everyone around them want to talk and laugh. You know the one, you're out with some people, and there's this one person in the group who just brings out the festive mood in everyone around them. And they do it so effortlessly.

But have you every really wondered 'why' this is? Have you ever stopped to think....what are THEY doing so differently than everyone else? I like to ponder things like this in hopes that I can learn from some of these people.

I'm sure there's no magic bullet, but I'm always amazed at people like this. I've been around these types of people in college and work. And it's interesting how it doesn't seem to matter the situtation. I've gone into brand new environments with them, with a new group of people, where no-one knows each other, and given a short amount of time, they start to become the center of attention again.

So I ask YOU, my fellow SA'r, what do you think contributes to this phenomenon?

I'll jot down a few ideas myself to get started, these are just things I've witnessed:

-I would have said looks have something to do with it, but then I remembered back, and I've seen even so-so looking people be wildly successful at this, so I don't think looks play a very big role, if any.

-Giving off a positive vibe (Smiling, just being forward/friendly, being the first to saying something). Your smile is the first thing people notice, it makes a big difference in your approachablity. (Just ask yourself, would YOU approach yourself?).

-Talking at an audible level, laughing out loud at other jokes, people DO notice this.

-Not being so serious, keeping it light.

-Being a 'group' participant. I think people are more comfortable around those who they witness participating in group conversations. (vs. 1:1).

-Having stories, experiences to share. (I talked about this in another thread, I think this is a really important one, and you not only have to do it, you have to be good at it).

-Humor, the more the better. However it can be injected into conversations, the more the better. Humor breaks the ice, it instantly bonds people and puts them both into similar frames of mind.

-Being friendly and helpful. People respond positively to it.

-BS - I often wonder if BS is a bigger player in this than we realize. Some of the most socially successful people I've been around were masters of BS. They told everyone what they wanted to hear, and it worked for them. (I have problems with this one though, as I like to feel genuine when I'm trying to interact with others. And often times, you can see right through a BS'r. But hey, if it works, it works).

I know these are just the tip of the iceberg, and I know it's a combination of skills. But, I'd really like to know what you guys think? We all know people like this, what do you think makes them tick? Stop and think about it, and post your ideas please.
its simply a matter of the state they are in. they get into such a positive state that it just rubs of on everybody.

states are infectious. if someone is dpressed and you are around them it makes you depressed. if you are around someone who is excitec it makes you excited

socially anxious people know all about how infectious states can be becasue when we are silent around other people we make them silent too (i hate it when that happens )

the life and soul of the party just gets themselvf into this jolly stae somehow and it just rubs of on people

i always become one of these people when im drunk. the next day people always stuff like this to me ''you was a real charactor last night'' '' you didnt half make me laugh last night '' '' you was the life and soul of the party '' '' youkept the party going , it would have died without you''

i think the key is to simply get into the right state. i can easily achieve this state with alcholohol

so how do these people get into this state wihtout alcohol ? i dont kinow
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
497 Posts
either you are born with it or you are not. if you want to be the life of the party but were not born with it, you can hang around a lot with 'the life of the party' guy and it will rub off on you. but you will have to laugh at everything that person says. you will have to take that persons abuse and laugh it off. i've seen this happened before. my brother is the life of the party, i am the thinker. every friend that he has had becomes the life of the party in a way. and i'm talking about reserved church guys, timid guys etc...if you laugh at their jokes they will keep you as a "friend" and sooner or later it will rub off on you
not true . aything one person can do you can do too cos you have the same resources as them
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
497 Posts
Alcohol is the only needed ingredient.

I'm literally the life of the party whenever I go out. I've been told that by everyone I hang out with. I completely change into a different person and there's nothing that I won't do or say. It's sad though because everyone I hang out with that aren't good friends tell me that they like 'drunk chris' better.

They ask me 'what's wrong' when I'm sober and have commets like "why dont you talk?!" or they'll tell their friends "usually he's really funny" but when I started getting buzzed its 'ohhh! you can tell chris is almost drunk' because my voice raises and I start making jokes and just going around to everyone else there.

I've often wondered what it would be like to be constantly drunk, minus the actually being drunk part.
druk chrisis th real chri, sober chris is the fake chris

usually when NORMAL (meaning none socially anxious ) people drink they bcome fake . why ? cos its the alchohol talking not them .

but when a socially anxious person drinks they become real . why ? cos its them talking not the anxiety. when sober its the anxiety that directs your behaviour. when drunk its not the alhohol directing your behaviour though. the alchohol moves the anxiety to one side so that you can relax and be yourself . its the real you you talkin

have you ever seen fun bobby off friends ?
 
1 - 20 of 44 Posts
Top