I'm not sure, if this is the right place (otherwise please move the thread), but I could really use someone to talk to right now. I have to warn you though: I have a feeling that this is going to be looong
And English is not my first language, so I may be a little hard to understand from time to time, don't hesitate to ask for an explanation if my words don't make sense to you
Oh and I apparently tend to ramble, but now I swear, that's really it :teeth
Well, I found this place by mere accident: My search engine send me here and the post I read just sounded so much like me that I looked up social anxiety. A lot of it fits to my situation (I am afaid what I have said above may already be the best proof) and it would explain why I often feel like I don't get people and they don't get me? So, if I am right some of you might understand my feelings and if youre still up for it and have a lot of time: Please read and share your thoughts!
Ok, so I am a student and I am really shy, the run and hide kind of girl. My brain knows that there's no reason to be and yet I am feeling really uncomfortable around people I don't know or crowds. I am doing ok once I know some one, but it's always a long bumpy road to get there. Since people I don't know make me nervous I don't always find the courage to interact with them and when I do I tend to be rather cold (not intentionally, I just don't want them to see that I am nervous and that's the result). Due to that I pretty much spend the first year studing alone, tried to avoid going to lectures and so on where I knew there were a lot of people (yeah, I know, not a smart idea, always seems smart in those situations though). The second year I was assigned to do some work with other students though and they just had something that made me feel alright around them (still nervous, but not uncomfortable) and they introduced me to others. I am still not big on the "big gatherings" (they always meet for lunch for example, I would like to go, but I usually can't bring myself to actually do it) and yet they are all really nice to me and try to understand me even though we don't always see thinks the same way:boogieWell, I may also have to add that I am the only girl in the group (less than 10% of the people in my subject of study are girls) and that I have no experience at all with having male friends. - That adds to the seeing the world diffent part.
Well sounds pretty perfect given the circumstances, doesn't it? And like they say, it's too good to be true :blank I think that I am having a crush on one of my friends and I know that chances are high that it ends in a big disaster and yet I just can't foregt about it: See, I've never been good with guys, never liked "nice" guys, and I've even been worse with "real" relationships, they're just not my thing. Also, if I embarrasse myself I would loose my friends and I don't think that I would be able to start over (it's not just that I would have to go through the uncomfortable-because-I-don't-know-people-phase again, my friends are also a group of about 15 to 20 people out of the 40 to 50 people studying my subject). So I REALLY should just forget about him, but how should I do that if I can't get him out of my mind?! This whole situation is such a mess :blank
So what am I going to do now?! I am feeling like I am 14 again and I don't like it :blank I am not even a hundered percent sure what I am feeling for him, it's semester break and we don't see each other. I just know that I miss him, can't get him out of my head, smile like an idiot when he writes me a mail, like I said, I am feeling like 14 again. Where am I going to go with that now? I don't think that he likes me the way I want him to. He's a really nice and sweet guy (which doesn't even make him my type), so it's hard to tell. I only know him a few months now, as I said he is really nice, making me feel comfortable. I liked him from the beginnig, because I felt like I could be "me" around him, he tried to understand me and he didn't judge me or made me fell stupid because of my close to none existing skills in the work our group had to do. It was just fun, doing a lot of stupid stuff, teasing each other about that and so on, kind of like the realationship I share with my brother, at least that's what I thought. I am just so confused, I know that I don't want to loose him as a friend and since he's super nice to every one I am having no idea what he thinks about me, how he feels about me. - I can't ask him, because if he doesn't I wouldn't be able to look him into the eyes anymore (which would be bad on two levels: losing him as a friend and probably the rest of my friends too). But I really can't tell. I don't want to be obvious (because that would make me end up the same way as just asking), but I also don't want to push him away by being reserved, not answering to his mails (I wish I could tell who started those, me or him. Does he want to write me or just writes back and so on..:afr ). I am also feeling my "run and hide" personality kick in again, it took me days to find the courage to answer him the last time, which I know is worse than writing him something stupid and yet :afr
So, yeah, I am going around the same thing over and over again. I know what I logically should (or rather should not) do, but I can't silence the little voice in my head that says "but what if..". It felt good to write this down, but now, what am I going to do with it? What do you think? What would you do?
And to everyone who even made it down here but doesn't have any ideas to share: A huge thanks for reading!