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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel like i wasted highschool, few friends but not a complete loner or loser. Then wasted college, had few friends mostly just kept a few from highschool who went to the same college despite knowing a good number of people from highschool in college. Didn't drink or party much in one of the biggest party school. Made almost no friends, before trying a little in senior year and making a few. Now im back home working and I have an amazing job, just not coworkers I can really hang out with. I managed through one highschool friends to make a handful of friends and more acquaintances. Unfortunatly none of these people are remotely in my same financial situation, so they can't afford to do the things I want to do. I see everyone going to vegas and all these things to which I can afford but have no one to go with. Ive also never had a gf. Having one would make my social life more bearable.

All I do is work, go to the gym, and watch tv. Occasionally going to a bar with only 1 friend.

I just want more friends to hang out with and drink with. Go to better bars. Have a gf, go on vacations. Normal things for someone my age.
 

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I feel like i wasted highschool, few friends but not a complete loner or loser. Then wasted college, had few friends mostly just kept a few from highschool who went to the same college despite knowing a good number of people from highschool in college. Didn't drink or party much in one of the biggest party school. Made almost no friends, before trying a little in senior year and making a few. Now im back home working and I have an amazing job, just not coworkers I can really hang out with. I managed through one highschool friends to make a handful of friends and more acquaintances. Unfortunatly none of these people are remotely in my same financial situation, so they can't afford to do the things I want to do. I see everyone going to vegas and all these things to which I can afford but have no one to go with. Ive also never had a gf. Having one would make my social life more bearable.

All I do is work, go to the gym, and watch tv. Occasionally going to a bar with only 1 friend.

I just want more friends to hang out with and drink with. Go to better bars. Have a gf, go on vacations. Normal things for someone my age.
I don't think you've wasted either one, Beryl.

Personally, I had lots of friends in high school... but I drank constantly.

Didn't go to college -- enlisted in the Marine Corps instead. Seriously, man... I've got so much respect for you getting through college at one of the bigger party schools without drinking much.

Had I done something different, and gone to college, I probably would've killed myself with the drinking habit I'd established in high school.

So you've got a great job... and the few new friends you've just picked up don't make as much dough as you, preventing them from joining you for the things you want to do...

...sounds like one of those good problems to have, man.

Good, meaning that you're in a comfortable financial situation right now. You know how many people aren't?

Reading your post, it's clear that money or a secure financial situation doesn't equal happiness... because you don't sound too happy.

So what's holding you back from getting a girlfriend?

If I had to guess, it's the fact that you want one -- so you're subconsciously looking at every good-looking woman as that potential girlfriend.

Great that you're working out at the gym... what kind of things are you into, fitness-wise? Lifting? Bodyweight training? Cardio? Some of everything?

Certainly wasn't the case at the gym in my rinky-dink hometown, but maybe there's some women you could talk to and get to know at your gym.

If you want a girlfriend, you're going to have to talk to and start casually dating as many women as possible... and seeing where things lead.

If you're living, working, and exercising in an area that isn't overflowing with single, attractive women... I'm sure Vegas is, dude.

Never spent much time there myself... had a one hour layover in Vegas during one of my military flights. I hear it's awesome though -- always wanted to go check it out for myself.

So go for it: be the financially successful man that you are and venture out to Vegas on your own. If you want someone to emulate, think Ashton Kutcher from "What Happens In Vegas."

I wish you the best, bro... don't go thinking that you're wasting your life away. You're life's just beginning.

Here if you need me,

Jake D.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
The girlfriend thing is very difficult for me. I developed emotional scars from the way a few girls in highschool treated me. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I realized its okay for me to like women and expect a relationship. I thought I was somehow to ugly to date. I couldn't even become friends with girls in college because of my insecurities, they would be left wondering whats wrong with me and why I act wierd after our first interaction and they tried to befriend me or even try to get more from me. Now im a bit more secure in myself that im atleast average looking and have things to offer. But my looks are still a source of insecurity.

Now it seems a rarely ever have interactions with women unless its a waitress. A few of the friends I developed have gf's but can't really introduce me to their friends or are unwilling. Im constantly trying to improve myself in the mean time physically and mentally. But I get less looks and hit on less now that im more athletically built and better dressed. In my desperation im even doing the "no fap" thing. Which is very difficult. Don't know what else to say, I just want to be happy.
 

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The girlfriend thing is very difficult for me. I developed emotional scars from the way a few girls in highschool treated me. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I realized its okay for me to like women and expect a relationship. I thought I was somehow to ugly to date. I couldn't even become friends with girls in college because of my insecurities, they would be left wondering whats wrong with me and why I act wierd after our first interaction and they tried to befriend me or even try to get more from me. Now im a bit more secure in myself that im atleast average looking and have things to offer. But my looks are still a source of insecurity.

Now it seems a rarely ever have interactions with women unless its a waitress. A few of the friends I developed have gf's but can't really introduce me to their friends or are unwilling. Im constantly trying to improve myself in the mean time physically and mentally. But I get less looks and hit on less now that im more athletically built and better dressed. In my desperation im even doing the "no fap" thing. Which is very difficult. Don't know what else to say, I just want to be happy.
OK Beryl...

First, something you'll probably find hilarious:

I had to go and look up what in the heck "no fap" even meant!

Guess I'm behind the times... never heard of it before.

Anyway, I'm going to touch on 2 main things in this post, Beryl, and hopefully it helps you look at your life through a new set of eyes.

#1 Reframing


Ever heard of reframing?

It's a little mind trick I like to use on myself when I start thinking too negatively.

The simplest way I can put it is like this:

Reframing is changing the way you look at something. When you reframe an event, situation, thought, whatever... you can completely change your perspective on it, and turn even the bad stuff into good stuff.

If I may, I'd like to use a few things you said in your last post as examples.

Take this "no fap" thing. You say that it's very difficult, and that you're doing it out of desperation.

Let's see if we can reframe that statement, so that practicing "no fap" becomes easy, and you're doing it from a position of power.

It's only difficult because you're not used to it, and you're telling yourself that it's hard. Or you saw other guys talk about how tough it was before you chose to try it, setting yourself up to see it as challenging before you even started.

I'm going to tell you right now that there's nothing wrong with "shaking hands with Ben Franklin" (have you seen 'Almost Heroes'? :)). As long as it's not like 5 times a day, it's a healthy release to get in there and "take care of it."

The problem is using videos and magazines to help. You know how many guys who have girlfriends still "take matters into their own hands" with online videos? Lots, and for most of them, it hurts their relationship.

It doesn't take long for a guy to start expecting "real-life" to line up with the "fantasy scenarios" he watches in videos. I know, because it happened to me. It's been months since I've watched a video like that, and the real thing has never been better.

If you can start looking at the "no fap" challenge from that point of view, it'll get less and less challenging in a hurry. Women will enjoy the real thing with you a heck of a lot more, because you'll be more "in the moment" and not trying to act out what you've seen in some video.

It's more intimate that way. Chicks dig it.

Great, moving on...

"Average" looking is all you need, man, and I'm glad that you're more secure with how you look than you were before. Me, I spent years of my life exercising like a maniac, thinking that I had to be totally ripped to be attractive.

And I got there, I did... but do you know what I realized?

Spending hours every day exercising to maintain that shredded look was a source of insecurity in itself. After all, my motivation was the way that other people perceived me and the way that I looked.

I suppose it all changed for me when I saw enough "average" or even "below-average" guys walking around with gorgeous women on their arms. When I saw it over and over, I was like "what's the point in being ripped? Clearly, getting and keeping a good-lucking woman attracted to you was about more than looks -- I mean, look at those guys..."

Confidence is key. Confidence, being secure and comfortable with who you are as a man... these things play into attracting women so much more than looking like you belong on the cover of a fitness magazine.

#2 Expectations

Alright, couple things I'd like to mention as far as expectations are concerned.

You say that you're getting less looks, that you're getting hit on less, now that you're more athletically built and better dressed... compared to the way you were before.

I'm no expert, but could it be that you changed your body and the clothes you drape over it with the "expectation" that you'd get MORE?

I've learned the lesson countless times that expectations very rarely line up with what you experience as reality. And I'm still teaching myself not to expect anything... ever. Take my girlfriend for example: I still find myself expecting us to "get physical" when we haven't for a while, or when I'm in the mood.

I never come out and tell her that I expect it... it's just how I feel inside. Well, when I expect something to happen, even internally, it never does. I kid you not... never. It's when I LEAST expect it... when I'm not even thinking about it... THAT is when she surprises me, and SHE initiates.

I think what happens is, when we expect something, it comes through subconsciously in almost everything that we do. And "expecting" is really just a form of neediness. Geez, I could talk about this stuff all day!

Let's wrap things up, here...

The only other thing I had in mind for "expectations" was the way you said that you realized it's okay to like women and expect a relationship.

You're absolutely right, it's OK to like women... heck, it's OK to LOVE women... but I think you already know what I'll say about "expecting a relationship".

If you expect a relationship to formulate out of thin air, even on the inside, it probably won't happen. For the same reasons that I never get physical with my girl when I'm secretly expecting it to happen -- expectations = neediness.

Look at everything in your life that IS going the way you want it to, Beryl.

Be grateful for everything. (And I do mean everything -- to this day I'm still grateful for the privilege of taking a hot shower every day -- something I didn't have in Iraq.)

Keep striving to improve yourself, physically and mentally... and accept whatever happens in your life with open arms.

That's where happiness is. Not in money, not in objects, not in another person... but being content with your environment, and grateful to be breathing.

People spend their whole lives "pursuing" happiness, and never finding it, because they think it lies in something outside of themselves. More money, better car, bigger house... better looking partner... the list can go on and on.

Alright, I'm starting to sound like a philosopher now.

Sorry for the long post, Beryl... just trying to help, however I can.

You sound like a great guy that actually respects women... suppose that's why I decided to say so much.

If you'd like me to clarify anything, I'll do my best.

Take care, Beryl!

To happiness,

Jake D.
 
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