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Waiting on Jason
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I feel like I'm not where I should be, not where I want to be. There's all this stuff I want out of life. The closest I gotten to this life is getting a Mac. I feel so behind. No love life, no social life, no career, I can't even seem to get out of college (to the family, I'm not in school because I like it) and my financial life doesn't even to exist. I tried the whole working hard thing, working while I was taking classes, but I couldn't even do it well. I was barely working 20 hours a week taking 2 three hour classes, and couldn't do it. I was emotionally drained, sleepy, tired, and low on creativity. All this and trying to handle the fact that I wasted years trying to get into a program, that I knew deep down inside I would never make it in to. Perhaps I knew that that would be too easy, too much of a direct path. Nothing has ever been easy. I've struggled with the simplest things. I look back at my past and wish I had taken a chance, and really looked into another school. I wonder if I would have found the emotional nurturing (?) I needed as well as being surrounded by instructors that would build me up from day one.

There I was, barely making it, while others were pushing so hard, running on no sleep, working at real jobs, raising families...and I was just me, a simple shelver taking less than 12 hours and struggling. I had spent my whole life trying to find validation through others and was disappointed every time. I guess the silver lining in this depressing situation is that now I'm going to have to learn to validate myself. The longer I waited to get into Block, the more and more I felt like I was loosing myself. I felt that the more and more of the "breaking down" that happens before Block was breaking me down completely and I was loosing my edge, my spark, my light. Considering my personality (plus I'm a Libra, I need balance), and my life before college, the "breaking down" of a designer is not suited for me. It's not how I grow, at least not well...dysfunctional perhaps, but not happy and well adjusted. It wasn't constructive of the kind of person I want to be in the future. Everything was push, push, push, make, make, make...like Chinese workers in a sweatshop instead of in little artisan studios doing work meticulously by hand (which seemed a lot like what we were doing). It's part of the American work ethic: You work hard like a dog your entire life and you die slowly, too broken and cripple to really enjoy old age. If you're lucky, you have a house and health insurance. (To make it all even more horrific, like a really good horror movie, they wrap you in used bubble wrap and throw you in a mass grave....)

I wonder if real life design jobs are anything like design classes. Ideally, I need a balance of work and pleasure. I can't put out work like a machine and still be happy. I wonder if I'll ever have the job that I'm looking for...and if I don't, will I ever really be happy? Will I ever be satisfied and content? Right now I'm not. I'm not happy with the hand I've been dealt. I'm not happy with my lack of progress, my lack or drive and energy, the fact that I couldn't achieve what I set out to do. I know that I am much better off than a lot of people in other countries, but yet I am not satisfied. I'm not asking for a mansion or a luxury car. I want to do what I love and have that be good enough. I want to set a goal and achieve it, I'm tired of having to settle for second place, a watered down version of what I initially wanted. I'm want to be first!

I know that life is about detours, nothing is ever exactly what you want, not for me anyway. It's like getting the generic when you want the brand name. I just want to have my way, just this one time... Who am I kidding, anytime with anything. Every time would be fantastic. I just want what I want, exactly the way I want it. It's so hard trying to wrap my mind around my situation...of letting go of the dream I had for so long. "The hardest part is letting go of what could have been." It's something I have found myself trying to resolve time and time again. I had finally found my passion, my calling and then told three times that I was not good enough. I had always desired this. If I could just be good enough, get my foot in the door, I could do anything, anything that was asked of me.

I'm just trying to deal with rejection, trying to make things happen for myself without the validation of others, and the reality that I'll be 26 in October and still won't have accomplished what I wanted to yet. Pray for me y'all.

I need to be in this state of mind, all positive.

A little explanation ('cause this was originally put as a Note on my Facebook): Block is a two year program students have to get accepted in to after they have completed the core courses and 15 hours of art class and have a certain GPA. I had everything required at all 3 tries, but I sucked a speaking up in class, and I did so rarely. I also think they didn't really like my work, but I just couldn't do it "right". I could never get it the way they wanted. I was so consumed with trying to to get everything just right that I ran out of time and lost sight of the big picture. So now I feel like a failure, I can't graduate with the degree I wanted and more, I had to switch to a another art major. Plus, I've wasted years trying to get into their Block program.

How do you all deal with not be able to push through college like other people?
 

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i feel your pain. Dont worry though things will get better if you keep your head up and i hope they do for you, im having a really hard time at the moment but what makes me get through it is that i know that im gunna have a better life in the future and the problems that im having now will be no more, im making many plans to make money myself in ways in which i enjoy, and it will take a long time so for now i still get a bit sad whilst going through things in life i dont like to go through now, but i stay strong because i know one day it will all be behind me when my plans come off. maybe you should do the same, think of some things you could do in your life that would be really fun or think of things of how you could make money in which you enjoy, and then make plans for them. or think about saving up to do things such as travelling around the world, if you always have something to look forward to then it will help you get through your life now.
it will work out dont worry if you continue to persist then one day an oppertunity or job of which you will enjoy with money from will pop up and you will take it.
I can see from your photo that your beautiful aswell so dont be sad
 
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