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Hey guys, raccoon here.

My anxiety isn't so bad anymore but reading about people out there with the same feelings as myself definitely still helps me find some peace at the end of a bad day.

The causes of my anxiety seem to have started when I was 8. I used to be a sporty, energetic and 'in your face' farmboy until I was injured and bedridden for almost a month post-surgery. During this time I gained a metric s**t tonne of weight and just didn't shake it till late in highschool. In my early highschool years I became completely unhappy and avoided social situations and parties like the plague (and there'd be GIRLS there too omg!!!!).

When I turned 17 I realised that if I remained the same I'd end up a fat, lonely computer nerd who pushed people away; swimming in gadgets and work; my excuses for the things that made me happy when in reality, I'd always be miserable with my solitary existence. I started working on losing weight.

By my 18th birthday, I was fit as f**k but I had started suppressing my anxiety attacks in social situations with excessive amounts of alcohol. I still felt fat and was panic-attack-inducingly self conscious all the time, especially around girls. Even quiet, shy girls sent me into a cold sweat and a bumbling, fidgety state until I ultimately always ended up smacking the "GTFO" button and could be known to semi-run out of a situation, giving any random excuse.

It came time to choose University or "other random sh*t". So I went for the second option. I didn't know what I wanted to be but I did know what I didn't want. I was done avoiding new people and trying new things so I decided to kick the old me right in the nuts in a self-destructive streak and joined the Army as an Infantryman.

A year and a bit after enlisting, I guess it sorta worked. I've toughened up, grown a thick skin and outwardly present a similar facade to the blokes around me. Problem being; I am still annoyingly evasive of social situations, I still use alcohol to not have panic attacks (I've been known as Triple G because of my rush to get hammered at the beginning of the night, thus triple rounds for me) and am as terrified as ever of girls.
I don't let the anxiety stop me from doing things but it does stop me from enjoying them, it makes a night on the town a daunting task.

I'm mostly here to stop myself backsliding, I'm close to getting normal again but it's always nerve wracking to push myself out the door to meet people or even go to work. The typical self-deprecating thoughts run through my head all day, a side effect of still feeling like a fat computer nerd when I'm surrounded by soldiers.

Just knowing that seeming normal is a struggle for other people too helps me feel less lonely.
Sorry about the length but I've been looking for a place to vent for 10 years, thanks for reading. You guys just being here helps me a lot, I hope I can contribute something helpful as well. :)
BTW, I'm still a computer nerd, I never hated that part of me. ;)
 

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Hey raccoon :wel
 

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:wel
 

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Welcome, Raccoon! :)
 
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