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How can I go on? How can I go on normally? Hardly an hour passes that I don't think of something I have said or did in the past that doesn't make me cringe in shame and embarrassment. I always make the biggest fool out of myself during the few times I do get out and about. I would rather just hide myself away either behind closed doors or out in the deep country(hiking/kayaking) then to be around people. The internet makes it easier to comunicate with others but I easily make a fool out of myself on here as well and will regret for weeks or more. Sometimes when I do have to go to grocery or department stores I always make sure the trips are short and with a loved one who understands.
Which brings me to a question I have in mind... how do I tell friends about S.A.D.? I only have 4 or 5 close friends, not counting the very few family members, that know and understand how I feel. The others just don't get it. They don't understand when I tell them I would rather not. They say, 'but these people are cool. You'll like them.' And I'm sure they are but they don't understand that that's not the point. I'm sure they are good people but it's ME! I can't get through their heads, I can't get them to understand about this disorder I have. It's ruining my life.
I haven't worked in five years. Thanks to the few family and friends I barely get by. I know I am a burden to them and would love to change that. Man, would I ever love to change that... but how?
Is there an herb I can take? I don't really have money to go to a doctor to get prescribed anything. Occasionally I'll have a few beers and that makes me feel better, for the moment and then when I wake up and think about some of the things I may have done or said I find a dark spot, close my eyes tight and regret.. regret... regret.
I stutter. I stammer. I take deep breaths and concentrate to keep from going over the edge while I'm out in public. I live a life hidden. I live on Facebook. Kids are very important to me. I feel most comfortable around them. But I want a life! I want my son to look up to me like the way he looks up to his Grandfather(my Dad) who raises him.
I know that I'll do more stupid stuff that I'll regret because I always do.
 
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