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conceited martyrdom
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do i have social anxiety?

hi. i'm new here. actually, i've never made a post anywhere because i'm paranoid about what people might think.... and at the moment have to consciously think up each word, and it is quite annoying.

anyway, i wanted some opinions on whether or not i have social anxiety.

i've asked myself this for a VERY long time, and constantly change my opinion, and each time it is like a battle with myself, feeling guilty about it, etc.

i wrote this up before... because writing it here on the site would have been too scary lol.

this is REALLY long, sorry about that.

k so, this is what a typical day is like. i go to high school (this place is friggin hell), pretty much every day is hard. walking down the hall, every time is like a trek, like a frickin adventure i have to get emotionally ready for every time. it's annoying lol. and there isn't a moment when i'm not conscious of EVERYONE around me. i feel like every person i pass by hates me, and i am pretty positive of it, and could come up with all the evidence you'd need to justify that claim. i think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy though, but i still can't help feeling that way, and believing it 100%. sometimes it is hard, and you just have this intense desire to flee and you are so afraid of everyone around you and right when you get to the bathroom door, you RUN in and you just... stand there trying to breathe lol. it sounds stupid. and it is. but. feels great, compared to walking in the hall lol. and sometimes it is hard to go back out.

hm, i have like...... 2 friends, one of them was kinda forced lol, and the other one i have known since i was very little. i don't really talk to people outside of these two. i don't look at my classmates. i sweat just sitting in class sometimes, and my heart is just going CRAZY, and it's SO hard to not be afraid. i have a hard time breathing a lot. most of the time i'm either barely breathing or breathing too quickly, usually in attempt to stave off panic. i get so weird.... my facial expression, i just feel like apologizing to everyone in the world because i know like such a *****. and i hate it but i don't know how to control it. it's hard to keep my balance in hallways, i sort of have to consciously do it because i feel kind of unstable. usually i have either a stomachache or a headache.. just a lot of thoughts going through my mind, and i don't really notice them. it's really hard to look at my teachers when they're talking. when i do, it feels like they are repulsed by my nervousness or something. and things people say to me.... even if they're well-intentioned and to someone else they'd be nothing... it makes me feel TERRIBLE. it's like..... it's like my insides are breaking, just makes me feel like crap. i take everything everyone says as an insult... lol

basically, people TERRIFY me. nothing in the world is more frightening. i rarely look them in the eyes, and i'm always nervous when i think there is someone else around. i can only relax completely when i'm in my room, and the lights are all out, and it is completely dark outside, and there is no one else in the house. sometimes in an empty hallway, my heart will beat like crazy just because of the possibility that someone could show up. it's hard to get words out. most of the time i mentally plan out everything i'm going to say to people. i want to talk to them so bad, it's hard to be alone.

crowded places are really hard. sometimes i get extremely nauseous and dizzy, and don't know what i'm doing, and feel like i'm going to faint. my heart is beating out of my chest and i am positive that EVERYONE hates me....... you can barely function, like i never know what the hell i'm doing. i get sweaty and can't think AT ALL, and can't stop thinking the anxious thoughts, and most of the time don't even know i'm having them anyway. when you are totally consumed by that, you don't really NOTICE that you are. it's sooooooooo hard. you just feel like dying. and you just feel like bursting into tears because it hurts so bad. nothing makes it go away except hurting yourself except you don't always remember to do that consciously. but a lot of times, i do unconsciously, but it's nothing really bad. i just pinch myself and scratch myself a lot or things of that sort.. the pain distracts you. i never realized i did those things until recently.. but it's become a part of me now.

when things are relatively okay... i can function. like i can walk around, but those thoughts never go away, they just aren't debilitating to the point where i'd choose to not be in that place and rather back at home where i'm alone. that is a REALLY good day. most of the time, i would much, much, much rather be at home alone than in the place i'm currently at, if there are people there. i can never, ever, ever stop thinking that everyone hates me, regardless of what kind of a day it is. that thought is NEVER conscious, it is ridiculously ingrained in me, and has been for a while. i never REALIZE that i'm thinking it, but once in a while when someone explicitly and overtly expresses the fact that they care about me, it is ALWAYS ridiculously astounding to me, and i do everything i can to justify to myself that they probably don't mean it, or they are thinking other bad things about me while saying that.

i can't stop being fake around people. this is something that makes me feel REALLY guilty because there is NOTHING i hate more than pretentiousness and superficiality. but i can't do it, i can't be myself. i want to more than anything. like i don't project things that are fake...but it's like i can't project anything at all.... i can't open up to people at ALL....... i feel so selfish for thinking people are thinking about me at all, no one has time in their day to think about me lol, yet i can't get that into my head. my parents love me more than anything in the world, but i can't FEEL their love. i always feel so alone. i wish so badly that i could feel love.

the feelings of anxiousness and guilt start a few minutes after i wake up in the morning. everything is okay... and then it hits.. and then i have to start trying control these thoughts.. and i can never do it. when they started.. a few years ago.. i could, but not anymore. after the few minutes, i start getting anxious about random things, even though i'm in my own house, and it's only my parents. i get anxious about.. like stupid things sometimes......... like having to do everything EXACTLY in a certain way.. if i don't it can get sort of hard to breathe.. i don't know why i do these things. i get sad frequently because of just everything. it's a really really terrible feeling and i don't know what to do. i go to therapy once a week, but i'm not sure if it will help significantly. and i feel like no one really believes me... i don't believe myself either. i just sort of think i'm a whiner and can't stop feeling sorry about myself and pitying myself.

i pretty much hate people. it started in 7th grade when my eyes were so suddenly and dramatically opened to all the SUPERFICIALITY in the world... and i hated it. haha, i couldn't stop going around telling my classmates just how much i hated 7th grade. i hate superficiality so much... and i hate people. i LOVE them, but i hate them too. it makes me feel sooooooooooo guilty, how much i hate them.... and how angry i get at my parents, and how much of a jerk i am because it's so hard for me to be nice. like... it's hard to find the energy to muster up a smile. like it feels like it takes too much energy. i have a hard time with that, i feel tired a lot. like when i wake up, it's sort of hard to get out of bed. it's like i have to lie there for a couple hours until the inspiration hits me. that's how it's been for a while, with most activities. (i think this paragraph is just me justifying my assholish qualities)

i am paranoid about EVERYTHING. like i was sick for the last couple of days, and when my parents came in to check on me or help with something, i just thought that they had previously plotted against me or something haha. and when they DIDN'T come in... i would think that they didn't care about me at all... just the stupidest things. like i few seconds ago i clicked preview... and had to copy/paste my post right before the page reloaded because i was afraid the site was going to crash or something and i would lose this post which took so much time to write, haha.

so that was pretty much a REALLY long rant and i probably repeated myself a couple times, but can someone tell me if i have social anxiety? i think i do, but need other opinions because i always second-guess myself. if i do, can you tell me if it's mild, severe, or somewhere in between?

i keep editing this thing and probably making it less coherent lol. thanks for reading, and if you reply

i feel like i'm being fake here X[
i also feel like everyone on this site hates me!!! which is hilarious, because no one has even read this yet...
god i am so obsessed with myself
 

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Yes, you definitely have SA. You seem to have quite a mild version of it, since you're picking on every inch of your life.
 

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i can understand what you are going through. I am sorry this is not any help, but yes it sounds like you have SA. not sure how bad tho.

i am in highschool too and it is seriously hell. i feel like everyone is judging me and talking about me behind my back. and that they all hate me. but its not about me. its about you. you are very brave posting this on here. but i sure hope it lifted some weight off your sholders.
you are not being fake. i think that since you are feeling like that in a normal day at school, posting it for random people to see is a big step. i am really sorry that this isnt helping, but i am terrible at advice/ answering questions.
 

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High school was hell for me too. I didn't know anything about SA then though.. So I figured I was just weird and found ways to "cope".

Looking back... I really wish I would have known. I think therapy and medication would have helped me control it better instead of cutting class and being miserable every single day I was there.

I have this intense overwhelming feeling people are constantly looking at me and judging me. I would do anything to NOT be noticed. I seriously think people judge the way I look, dress, talk, walk, chew, speak, move.. haha everything. THAT is usually where my panic attacks stem from. It starts off with that feeling and snow balls into me getting sick to my stomach, shaky, nervous, my mind blanks, I feel like I'm in a dream like state...

And your not being fake. Your trying to cope in your own way. I think or at least assume.. that most people with SA find ways to deal with SA however they can or however it makes things easier.

Uhg when I was in 11th grade I had to do a soliloquy on front of my class. I practiced it and knew it by heart. I was next to last to do it... it would have been a HUGE blow to my over all grade so I forced myself to go up( after WEEKS of dreading it). Anyways, I had a panic attack. Could not control it whatsoever. I'm sure you know what that is like only ACTUALLY having everyone staring at you. I started stuttering...hyperventilating.. shaking.. I forgot what I was saying and needed to say... It was AWFUL!!! My teacher intervened and was generally concerned which made it even worse. She asked if I was okay and thought I was about to faint.... I think she knew though, she gave me a B despite completely making a huge idiot of myself.

Your definitely not alone and you do seem like you have SA.
I do not have much advice on what to do to control it. I do my best to avoid things that will make me spazz out. I'm actually trying to find ways myself. I have had some awful luck with working and SA and REALLY want to find a way to overcome it or atl east tone it down to where I do lose my jobs or spend 90% of my time freaking out in my head.
 

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It sounds like you may have SA, but its also possible you could have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or Panic Disorder (I'm not a professional, just guessing here). Regardless, you have some form of anxiety; which means you need to make an appointment with a counselor/doctor/therapist/psychiatrist (whichever is more convenient for you) and start getting some help.

There is NOTHING wrong with having anxiety. Everyone does, and everyone on this site experiences a great deal of it. The 1st step you need to take is to get an accurate diagnosis from a professional. Once you know specifically what the problem is, you can begin learning the myriad ways of coping. Many of which you can learn about here on this site.
 
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