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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm josh, I'm 20 years old and I don't have social anxiety I'm quite the opposite. It's just every time I try talking to people and being social they all ignore me and just disregard my existence. For years I longed to be apart of something like a large group, I tried in middle school and high school even recently, but I'm the pariah. The only way I can think about trying to belong is joining my friend Miguel and my friend Juan into joining the Latin Kings. No I'm not a wana be banger, it's just everybody and even my parents and siblings just don't pay any attention to me when I try talking and being friendly. I did have some friends, but they just used me. I now just want to hurt and kill people in the Kings. So far everyone just failed me and I don't know what to do or where to go, I grew up in the judicial system with killers, bangers, rapists and thieves. The age 10 to 18 years old where my home in prison/jail. I only connect with criminals, killers and thieves (preferably hispanic because I'm an Arroyo) every girl I ever was with just used me for sex, my car, and my money. I am smart but I don't have enough motivation or confidence to pass the GED, I had to drop out because I shot up heroine, snorted cocaine/meth to cope with being alone with no friends. I only have like 3 but they're bangers and drug dealers, they have been trying to enlist me into the LK but I have refused trying to find a large group that's not bangers. I drink and cut myself when I hear about movies like harold and kumar, jay and silent bob, any highschool buddy movies, it just makes me want to put my gun to my head and pull the triggar.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'd rather drink and get high and have meaningless sex and party than get my GED because I feel alone, I'm getting pushed to being a banger
 

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Its dawn here
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Lol...i would just say something better than this is waiting for u..god bless u
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Don't get me wrong I am friendly, in fact too nice. But everyone just always have casted me out and I try my best to make clean and law abiding friends, they just hate me
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
it's fine, quite honestly I'm used to getting hurt. My dad used to always beat me and my mom always just neglected me, some reason I'm a magnet of suffering
 

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Josh103191,

It sounds like you are in a tough situation. To me, it sounds like you are doing the right thing in not joining the Kings group. I guess that is a gang. I would also be concerned about the sex part. If it is meaningless, then that means the other party may not be so careful either. I would be worried about disease there.

The only way is to remove yourself from that situation. If they ask you about the Kings (Reyes Latinos?), just say that you are looking for something else.

You know many people in your situation have moved above and beyond to better themselves. If just sounds like you never got a break.

As for the friend movies, yeah, they tick me off, too. I see a lot of it is shallow. A lof of people here wished they had real friends to confide things in and have that kind of trust....confianza (Me gusta esta palabra). We aren't real life, but we are the next best thing here.

And if you say you are that friendly....that is not a bad characteristic, either, no matter what people around you say!

Welcome to the forum!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I don't know how or hell even where to go other than south side fort wayne, there ain't nobody to tell me to get on "the right path" my only friends in the kings and ms-13s just tell me "**** them, all they do is hurt you. They have all failed you, we will never do such thing. We treat everyone like family, we will help you"
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Over the years I'm starting to loose all human emotions, the thought of killing a man makes me feel better inside, only because nobody accepts me. When I was younger I used to choke the neighborhood animals to death because my dad used to choke me
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I try getting a job but it's hard for me being a highschool drop out, I had dreams of going to college to become a doctor, but my folks just say "your too stupid, your better off just dealing drugs with your low life friends"
 

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Hey man you sound like a good person and you shouldn't let anyone tell you things that aren't true. Try to get you ged, it will help you a lot. You can get a job without a ged, you just got to make yourself presentable and actually want to work. The life of crime is easy to get into but you know probably know that's not what you want for yourself. If you take that path you will end up either dead or in jail. Is that what you want? Make good decisions for yourself and things will begin to get better. Please don't join a gang man.
 

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I try getting a job but it's hard for me being a highschool drop out, I had dreams of going to college to become a doctor, but my folks just say "your too stupid, your better off just dealing drugs with your low life friends"
Now, your writing here doesn't tell me that you are stupid. It tells me that you are in a bad place where you REALLY want to be free of the pain. You are surrounded by it.

Your closing off of emotions tells me that there is fear and pain. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you were. You have been around unhealthy people who know no better way. Your lashing out is out of almost jealousy. The weird thing is that you have what you are after, you are having trouble finding it in other people.

Honestly, and I know I am going to be trounced for this, but I would look into a place like a church or a community group to see if there are healthier people you can talk with or hang out with. It may seem cheesy, but if you have that "good role model" example, it could be the very thing that lifts you out of quicksand.

From what you have said in the past few posts - I would have to wonder if you aren't more intelligent than even you think you are. There is a sensitivity there that we really don't see very often. The haters around you are jealous, nothing more.
 

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Hey Josh103191 welcome. :hyper
 
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