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I have been pondering this issue for years and years.
More specifically, I always thought or been taught that human beings are social creatures by nature. However I personally never felt to be the social type. The type of person who goes around and enjoy companionship from other human beings. Ever since my childhood, I remember liking being by myself whether it was at school or any social situation. My school teachers always commented on how quiet I was and how I never played with other kids.

I remember locking myself in my room whenever too many people showed up for parties and other important events. The experience of it terrified me. I used to get really nervous and anxious. I was or am still this social avoidant. Is it normal? Most people will probably say no. Is there something wrong with being an avoidant? The answer will be probably less consensus. However one can say by being avoidant one can miss out on opportunities to learn, grow, and become a better person.

I missed out on these opportunities. I work at the Y and can’t help but notice that kids (aged 12-16) engage in activities even at my advanced age of 29 would cower at the thought of even engaging in. Heck, even when I ask a girl out on a date, it was like a victory for me. The outcome of it didn’t matter as I was more concerned with my first step. But at age 29, most people don’t struggle with dating. They either find their special partner and get married or stay single but date random people for the joy of it. I am still this recluse who spends way too much time online and not enough time interacting with real people. At best I am a late boomer wannabe.

As years passed, I learned that social skills and graceful social presence were important. I learned to put up a front but such antic only worked as a band aid to the problem. I think it may even make things worse. Playing the Bruce Wayne façade could only last long enough until one awkward moment shows the real me and when people notice this they lose respect for me. All that façade hard work has been lost. These people don’t have to be anyone specifically. It can range from a stranger to a colleague to a potential girl friend.

The Ying side of my dichotomy is that I have no intention to become this social butter fly because it is not me. But I have learnt that such attitude will ruin my public life. It will reflect in my body language and people will notice. Finding a reason to not be friends with people and pushing them away has been the easy way out for the first 30 years of my life. Ultimately it will burn bridges as it had done to me in the past. However I cannot be doing this otherwise I will forever be a walking negative thinking machine.

Here is the Yang of the dichotomy. Is being a negative thinking machine all that bad? Society seems to make me think so. But does it stop me from doing what I have to do even if it’s sub par? In some cases I will say yes. I think it’s better to be average than being below average. I have been average throughout my whole life and have been pretty content with that. But in other cases, my experience tells me it’s not in the realm of dating. But again, society (at least Western society) would demonize or belittle me for being the way I am. At least, they would not use me as the positive role model for others to emulate.

These circumstances made me who I am today. I wonder if I am this way naturally or is it some type of event that traumatized me so badly I am now this recluse person. An avoidant who gets a high from avoiding uncomfortable situations. I find myself wanting to change (especially around January) because of some outside influence. I am convinced by these influences that I am not normal. I am made to believe there is something wrong with me. They say, “I must not do this!” or “ I must become that!” I must live up to this archetype of what a real human being should be. But there is some legitimate validity in what people say. Each year I start out this resolution only to quit not even two months into it. Well it’s now it’s March. I am still battling my negative attitude. I lost some momentum but am attempting to gain it back. But at least I am making a conscientious effort to change.

Thanks for reading.
 

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I wouldn't worry too much about what others want or expect out of you whether its unwritten societal rules of conduct or friends and family. It matters only what you want and think is the right thing. There is no one school of thought when it comes to any disorder. While alcoholism is physically bad for you, I have known very well meaning and functioning alcoholics. I am not saying its good or bad I am saying its different for all of us.

If your goals in life isn't be touched or belong to a community then your SA isn't the battle that people will have you believe. But you want to connect to others, have their presence influence your life and yours do the same for them then SA is something you will need to tackle. No matter what you decide you need to be okay with you, love you, know and respect you. The rest is gravy. Being realistic (which sometimes masks as negativity) about your goals is key because you don't want to kick yourself too much when you fall short and have to try again.

I want to be loved even its just by a hand full of good people. The thought of leaving this planet and not being remembered and cherished by my own group of people makes me feel pathetic and fear death even more. This stupid depression and SA I suffer from will not be the death of me and I will not let it win. Its not because society has an idea of how humans should commune but because how I want to.

Ultimately that's what you want to determine, how do you want to commune with the world? Pick your path then start walking.
 

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It's interesting to dwell on but it's not like knowing where it comes from will help you with your SA, unless you're repressing something and it's keeping you from getting help or something like that.

I think from movies and books about psychoanalysis people get the notion that they'll get a certain revelation and that will automatically make them get past the problem.

In some cases I believe it can hurt you, i've spent many pointless hours castigating myself and reliving old scenarios about my parents and the way I was raised. Don't want to see anyone else go down that path.

It's better to focus on bettering yourself. Good luck.
 

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Like you I have also come to the conclusion that I am who I am, and am not going to change into a social-creature just because some psychologists came out with "humans are social creatures" garbage.

If it means I never find a special woman and marry- so be it. I have the dedication and patience to spend my whole life trying to cure AIDs if I have too.

My greatest concern is how can I help the world, no "how I can fit in"

I try to take comfort in the fact that some of the most influential people were also the least social >cough< ...einstine.
 
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