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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Picking up whre I left the last part, here I was, my only real friend lived miles away in Canada, I was in a strange new enviroment that I hated and I longed for old times.

I used to have a constant, I saw the same people everyday, I had been with the same classmates for 6 years. The days where I would hop from social circle to social circle were long gone.

I remember back in highschool I would have conversation topics I could cling onto, soccer was on of them, I used soccer to talk with the cooler people, I could never talk freely about somehtign else. I would talk about anime and cartoons with my more nerdy friends, I had nothign to talk about with girls.

Girls woulda always talk to me out of curiousity, also highschool isnt as cruel here a I see it is in the US (sometimes). I was approachable, people liked me, I just never took this to heart. I almost never opened up to anyone, I felt unworthy of someones attention in that way.

Back to uni, I would talk to my friend from Canada all the time, I was (and still am) in this gamign clan for AoC (this is where I met my canadian friend), a computer game. I sorta developed an "alter ego", I had been in this clan since grade 10 and it was basically my home, there, I could be however I wanted.

Loud, obnoxious, got in "trouble", swore, I laughed my butt off there, it was fun, the total opposite of me in real life, I had a place where I could let go, even it was virtual, I was who I was meant to be there.

My alter ego totally conflicted with the real life me, I always wondered, how can this happen? I have the ideas to be cool, I somehow know what to say, but I just cant do this talkign with someone else. Why?

Meanwhile this new situation in my life started being my new reality, the highschool days were gone, this was my new life, I started spiralling into horrible habits. I wasnt ever extroverted but I had never felt such a rush of emotions when I had to talk in a group of people.

Not talkign to anyone had never been a problem, people always came to me somehow, now I had to make an effort. I just felt unable to do it, when facign a group of people I felt this invisible wall preventign me from talking, there was somehtign in me holding me back, terrified.

Living in a society where the poor and the rich dont usually mix, I had cooler richer friends, and the few people I would randomly relate too were either not socially sabby or "poor". This is frowned upon, my friend from HS would always make fun of the people I knew.

This would just push me to stay away from them, I was a victim of society, or rahter I chose to be a victim of society. With those habits beign reinforced I just started developing a general anxiety related to social situations. I rememebr thinkign about takign the least crowded ways to places, beign alone at uni with no one to talk to but my 1 friend who wasnt always there. When he was gone Id literally just walk around pretendign to be goign somewhere to not look like a loser.

When I came around this forum, it was obvious, I had this, in contrast with this I had my alter ego online with my online friends, beign aware of my SA was the first step to get somewhere. However beign so aware of it and beign out in public thinking in an SA point of view just made it worse.

Since I had just learned what SA was and that I had it I started thinkign from this SA point of view, beign aware of this and seeing every situation as "how will my SA work here" wasnt a good thing, however it was necessary, necessary only if I wanted to do something to overcome it.

I was studying engineering at uni, yet I was extremely interested on psychology, I started studying psychology on my own paralel with my university career, I would read article after article on social interactions, how to fix anxiety, how to get girls.

Reading about how to get girls, I came across "the community", I found out all about female psychology, how female attraction worked, this was how I was gogint o get my girlfriend.

The scarcity of girls in my university (due to engineering) was huge, I only was attracted to about 2 girls at uni, I had studied my girl science, Im a BIG PIMP NOW, right? Wrong.

Easier said than done, I knew what attracted girls and how to do it, but I just couldnt do this in real life, however I became AMAZING at givign girl advice to my friends, specially my canadian friend.

It had been about 2 years since highschool ended and I still wanted that HS lie back, I wanted my HS crush still (talk about naive obsession). Anyways, my canadian friend needed some girl advice and of course he came to me, he also asked his other friend, who was a girl.

Things got ugly for him and he added her and I on an IM conversation, thats where I met her, after that I started talkign with her normally. Then I saw her picture, the cutest lil shy blonde I had ever seen in my entire life, the had a dutch lastname which somehow attracted me a lot.

Sooner than later I developed and online crush on a canadian girl miles away, I woudl always talk to her, she came to me for advice too, Id talk to her for hours. Because I was attarcted to her andI knew all these ways to get girls I started practising on her, nothign to lose, this was at about march 2006. She saw me as a friend, I really liked her, I connected really well with this girl, she was somewhat attracted to me too but it was mostly friends.

Months of talking, doing silly things to make her jealous, teasing and being just perfect for eachother (except for the distance) we started likign eachother a lot, keep in mind this is my online alter ego talking with her, where I can be super cool and let go.

All that time I spent with my girl online I just dropped everythign in real life, I would just go to class, get out go home and talk with her, of course Id pretend to be busy sometimes just to not appear as such a loser to her, my SA was on its all time high but I didnt care.

I had my answer to all my problems, this beautiful girl liked me, between October-December 2006 this girl and I were unofficially bf-gf, we would act accordingly too, I was happy, what more could I want.

And this is a problem I see with realtionships where people are too dependant on eachother.

January 2007, 3000miles away I had my girl, then, she starts beign distant and tellign me abotu this guy, I was incredibly jealous.

It all went downhill from there, this girl just had stopped the whole deal, she didnt feel the same way anymore. I was devastated, it was the most intense grief Ive ever felt in my life, like both my parents had died or something. I couldnt stop thinkign about it, I just wanted her to like me again, this was when I really went deep into the community thing. I had to found a way to get her, I thought learnign and applyign more of what I had in the first place would fix it.

I started reading and researching everything I could on the topic, I was a self-help/self-improvent junkie. Massive depression came with this whole situation, it wasnt so much the girl, I realized I had absolutely nothing in my life, I knew that it wouldnt had been so bad if I had friends or knew other girls, I knew all of this came due to the lack of life in my life.

I started learnign how to improve my social skills, my over-protective parents played a big role in my lack of social skills, I dont blame them right now but back in the day I would. My parents are extremely negative and cautious, I would let this affect me a lot, basically my enviroment played catch with me, I wasnt a solid individual that could stand for himself.

I knew everythign I needed to know, I knew and believed that going out and socializign would improve my social skills, I knew that it was like a muscle and the only reasons for my fear were my ego and my weak muscle, my social muscle was so weak btu I didnt want anyone to see this, basically like going to the gym but being scared the machines will notice how weak you are.

Staying home every weekend even my parents would tell me, go out with your friends, but once every 6 months when someone asked me to go somewhere Id be so nervous and my parents would start bugging about my safety.

Extremely heartbroken and depressed still, momentum was slowly building up.

This one day I was sitting at the docs waitign room after my nose job (I thought fixing my nose would fix all my problems btw, and turns out I was the same exact person still). I saw htis magazine, Toronto for $700, this was it! My one and only chance to get the girl of my dreams, if I went over there she could like me again.

So I told my parents, everythign was set up, I was going to canada all by myself to get the love of my life back. I get to canada and I was goign to this language school, I quickly made friends with peopel from my country, it was really strange seeing people beign open to me, I was used to my small little uni world where everyone was repelled by me, hmmm maybe Ive been judging people unfairly by puttign everyone I meet into the same box. None of these facts really changed my SA.

Week 1, I talk to her, she says shes too busy startign university and shell see if she can come. Week 2, not a word from her. Week 3 she says shes really sorry but she doesnt want to miss classes. Week 4, last week, we argue over me comign to her country and her not even makign an effort to see me.

The whole time I hung out with both my school friends in Toronto and my canadian guy buddy, one of my real best friends now, a really carefree guy, helped me a lot to be more outgoign myself putting myself around more outgoing people.

364 Posts
Sounds like your Canadian friend is a real awesome guy, good to know there are people out there like that
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