Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 6 of 6 Posts

530 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My life starts like any other's, Im a perfectly beautiful baby, kinda naturally shy but with great ideas, ever since I have memory Ive always lived by the american continent values, quite a fair kid I liked giving leadership to others while being the mastermind behind the scenes, an undercover leader you could say.

I wasnt one of the cool kids but I wasnt one of the not so cool ones either, people could have labeled me as a nerd, but I did get along with the cooler kids, I guess if you were to put a label on me Id be a "ghost"

My natural shyness was alwayas reinforced with so called "manners", my parents were both 40+ when I was born, my older sister is 22 years older than me, my bro is 17 years older than me, I had a 3rd brother who died in a car accident back in 1985, I was born in 1987, never met him, even as a kid it never bothered me but I kinda saw myself as a "replacement" regardless of how much my whole family loved me.

My parents after having their 19 year old son die in a car accident were quite traumatized I guess, from what Ive heard it was rough times, I think I read somewhere that its the worst kind of grief follwed by losing your spouse.

I grew up quite overprotected, and given my shyish nature I developed this fear of offending others, specially my parents, my dad is a great guy, really noble but, when I was growign up I always feared the consequences of doign somehtign wrong, enough said I just didnt develop a lot of trust in myself, I just had a more cautious approach at things.

I had a different group of friends evry year in elementary school, almost never sticked to the same group year after year, just settled for the group that would take me, strangely people liked me even tho I was relaly quiet, so I never lacked friends.

The school i went to is the richest prvate school in town, it was close to where I live and my dad didnt mind paying for it, I dont want to victimize myself, I could relate to my classmates but I was just never 100% there, there was always somehting that wouldnt make me feel 100% at home wherever I was.

When I was with my cousins who were my closest childhood friends, we would hangout with their friends and again I didnt feel fully integrated, wherever I was I was just thinkign I wish I was with my other group of friends, if I were with my cousins I wish I could be with my school friends to feel at home, and the other way around.

The only place I felt 100% at ease was when it was just my 2 cousins and me, us 3 would do everythign together, add other people to the equation and I wasnt home anymore, its just a funny fact about my childhood.

Overall it was apretty kickass time.

Then highschool came, like it was usual I made a different group of friends every year, when HS started I hung out with probably what peopel would call the "nerds", pretty cool guys actually just a lil odd, we would talk about pokemon all day and sometimes about secretly likign a girl, everyone in this group had a girl they secretly liked even tho we were the nerdiest kids in school.

Except me, well of course I had one but I would just never admit it even to my friends, it took me about 2 years to tell my friends who I liked, and then it took me 3 years to talk to the girl, on prom night I said somehtign among the lines of "hi", and that was it, that basically resumes my love life in highschool.

As for my previous friends, as time progressed I decided I needed to meet the guys that knew the girl I liked and I did so, I started my campaign on making friends with the cooler people, it was quite successful, I even picked up a passion along the way, soccer, would talk about soccer with them 24/7

It was back in 2004ish when I graduated highschool, I thought I had these friends, I saw them everyday at school but I never hungout with them outside school, next thing you know school is over, my few friends either moved to other countries, states or just stopped talkign to me, Im tossed at uni and I only know 2 people there.

I saw it as me beign an island, I just didnt want to let got the fun times I had in highschool.

The 2 people I knew there ignored me for the "cooler" people I was confined to the 1 guy I went to school from, he was rather cool at school but seemingly the uni enviroment was kinda overwealming for him too.

The other person I knew there was my cousin, he quickly developed a social circle and I disliked his friends a lot, they seemed loud obnoxious, I felt somewhat "inferior" and somewhat "superior" to them, socially I was repelled by their loud manners and outgoingness, I felt better than them and so much worse than them the whole time.

My HS friend quickly became friends with my cousins social circle, so I was forced to be around them, it was the same usual process I went to in highschool, meetign new people new friends, etc, but it was difference, I enevr got acceptance and I didnt feel confortable in this enviroment, it was just not where I wanted to be, I felt it creeping in, I needed friends bad I wnted to go out and have fun, but I had no one to do it to, I was BORING.

Every interaction became important, a scarcity of people who I could relate to caused me to put a lot of importance on the "higher status people" I talked to, I went thru a whole degradation process of who I was, I used to be shy, have no much trust in myself and be pretty socially inept, but, it had never been a real problem.

A vicious circle started, I was always scared of meeting new people and talkign in groups but I had never really noticed this, I was either blinded before or it was just my self esteem disapearing but, I started beign more and more scared of social nteractions with everyone, specially girls, I had always had this, I just never felt it as intense as now, or never noticed it.

Next thing you know Im just feelign anxious and avoidant, I dont wanna talk on the phone, I dont wanna talk to anyone except the few people I know, its just too much stress, my only real friend lived in canada, this guy I met playign Age of Empires II online, we had known eachother since highschool, this guy I basically owe every last drop of hope I had on life at this point, I was down and depressed, if there was somehtign that made me happy it was talkign to my friend, love my bud.

Anyways, this went on for quite a bit, I even started dressing on what people would label as emo, it was just a natural progression for me, it led me that way.

Deeply depressed, with no social life and no friends, studyign in a place I hated and made me feel bad, longin for my highschool years when everything was fine.

Its in my nature to be a problem solver (and Im doign engineering), I just couldnt sit there, I had to fix this, I had an idea, a few friends and a girlfriend, thats all I needed to be happy.

Logically it went like htis, I was scare3d of talkign to people, I noticed the guys who would get the girls were just chill mellow funny guys, if I could just relax maybe I could be like those guys, get my friends my girlfriend and be happy.

Sounded good, like every other geek in the world, whats the first place to look for help in? The internet of course.

It was at this period in my life where I actively went looking for answers on how to fix my "beign scared of social things sydrome" and I used to call it, I found websites such as this one, my original nickname GaryUranga came from a soccer game I was watchign at the time, and the player who had the ball at the moment was called Gary Uranga.

I learned what social anxiety was, I looked for all the resources I could, if I could get to the root of this problem and change the foundations of this huge monster that grown out of them, then the whole structure would fall, I could be liberated from whatever was causign my mind to think this way.

I would actively think about this 24/7, come on the forums, post things such as "today I had to pickup the phone and it was terrible" or "this guy was so rude to me today, whay cant people be nice" they were real concerns, I found a group of people who suffered the same stresses as me, Im not alone in this anymore.

I found this website that talked about how to fix anxiety related situations, things such as breathing deeply, using rubberbands as anchors to trigger stuff in your brain, writing anxiety related thoughts on a paper whenever you thought them, I was a dedicated fool with money on my mind, got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye.

This was mostly a learnign stage, I still was down and depressed with no friends and fully aware and concious of my problem now, I knew what I had, I just never thought it was uncurable, thought of seeing a therapist sometime, but I just didnt want peopel knowign I did this so I was dedicated to doing this by myself.

This was also when I came across the comunity and I met this girl.

To be continued..

Staying positive
754 Posts
Hey man when are you gonna put the second part of your story?
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.