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This is a stream of thought rant... I wasn't sure if it should go in 'frustration' or 'relationships.'



I was riding on a train a few weeks ago coming back from visiting family. It's a long trip so I usually sleep, which I did on this particular day.

For some reason I woke up as we pulled into an inner-city station, not far from my destination. Glancing out the window to see where I was, I saw a girl walk past who had just stepped out of the train: my last ex-girlfriend. A girl I really adore and is pretty much a perfect match for me.

Like the usual pathetic loner I had always wanted to contact her and get back together, but thought better of it as she’d moved on. I texted her anyway to say that I'd seen her and to wish her well. She texted back. That was unexpected. Even more unexpected is that we're now back together.

GREAT! Or so you'd think...

I’ve read many people here write about how scared they are of asking a girl out and assuming that once they do everything will be fine. That when a girl says 'yes, I’ll date you', anxiety will not play a role.

One of the reasons that we broke up in the first place was that we never consummated our relationship; partly due to her drug problem, and partly due to my anxiety. An anxiety I still can’t really tell her about because I’m supposed to be the stable, sane one in the relationship. She likes me partly because I am not troubled like her.

Right now we are dating casually, holding hands and kissing and all the other stuff like that I like. But the ticking time bomb of a sexual encounter is creating a severe sense of dread and anticipation. I know that I’m no good at it and the inevitability of the encounter to keep the relationship alive or to kill it with avoidance (or delay) is ruining the rest. She’s been very active in the period we were last together while I’ve had exactly 0 encounters. And it’s not like I don’t want to. I really do. Holding her hand turns me on. But, as people here can attest, it’s an instinctive paranoia and terror of the unknown. It’s not a first for me but a first between us. After the first I think I’ll be fine. What worries me greatly is the damage it can cause if we do, or do not, or delay, to do ‘it’; either by dissatisfaction, or by rejection.

And I feel like I can’t explain why. She’ll understand as she’s empathetic and non-judgmental, but she wants a strong, determined and in-control partner to support her frail and damaged emotional state. She’s dealt with a lot and struggles with her ability to stay focused on building a life. She needs a strong partner and not a frightened mess. I can fake the rest, and am generally in control. Expect in 'that' area.

These fears are irrational, I know that. And one could say if you love each other it shouldn’t matter. And it might not. But it’s a real fear of a real problem that WILL eventuate.

The clock is ticking...
 
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