Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,331 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What do you think of my reflective essay? Any comments appreciated!
Note: this is pretty long (about 1000 words) sorry!

The Awkward-Friendly Black Guy

When our English teacher broke the heartbreaking news to our class that we have to write a reflective essay, my heart sank into an abyss of despair also known as profound confusion. It suddenly dawned on me: There is nothing in my life that is worth writing about. I could go on and on about the mechanics of Arcana Heart 3 (a popular fighting game), or endlessly discuss the possibilities of using pornography to study human anatomy (a crucial skill, necessary for artists and animators) but whenever I have to talk about myself in a serious tone, my mind draws up blanks.

I guess it all began (my "nothing" streak) that is, when I was just a kid in Primary School. Most of the kids in my school were always playing with each other. I, on the other hand, was the guy that rarely did anything that wasn't associated with computers, "Pokemon", and "Yu-Gi-Oh" trading cards (yes, I also collected those). Already, my life was taking a turn for the awkward side. That being said, many children my age were into those things. THAT being said, they probably didn't just make it as apparent as I did. Good for them. That's Strike One.

As male children grow up, they start to find that their female counterparts seem to become less "icky". I was no exception. This was a very good time in my life, as I learned to value the beauty of normal females: an essential skill for any heterosexual male to have if he wants a decent relationship later in life. Despite my newfound "skill", I was still shocked (and greatly disappointed) to find out that most girls didn't naturally look like Jessica Rabbit (an extremely attractive cartoon character, and my first (and still current) crush). It was at this point in my life that I seriously contemplated the possibility that I may never, ever, ever, have the girl of my dreams. However, statistically speaking that is, there has to be SOMEONE that looks like Miss Jessica, so there is still some hope left in these 17 year old bones. It would be safe to assume that this is Strike Two.

Many people throughout their lives wish to become celebrities, lawyers, and even politicians. Many people achieve these things by working hard at school, doing their best at sports, or even just having a hobby or talent that they take pride in. I am not one of those people. My aspiration in life is to have a beautiful harem of maids that will tend to my every need in a giant mansion of gold. This dream will probably make my life a lot more uneventful (No girl wants to be a maid right?) but it has let me become more realistic in my ambitions, as this "plan" will probably never reach fruition. Is this normal? Or is it uncommon? Is it a stroke of genius!? Or is this a glimpse into a major psychological disorder? That's another story. Strike Three.

In an attempt at redemption (and personal preference I guess), I turned my lens of ambition from harem management towards the world of Animation. That's my passion in life (If you can call last resorts passion): I adore movement, and I wish to draw characters and worlds that other people love and will wish to become a part of. This dream is quite a tall order, so I would be perfectly fine working in an office everyday if it meant that I can actually eat three square meals, watch anime, and play Tekken 6 and Sonic Unleashed all day when I got home. The culture wall is another hurdle too: many black mothers would rather have the son that could perform brain surgery backwards, or the son that owns a business empire, instead of the son that wants to draw anthropomorphised animals hitting each other with hammers and pointy objects for a living. That's Strike Four, and that's not even possible! With all those obstacles in place, I have quite a lot of work to do, but I am sure if I work hard, follow my passion and don't descend into procrastination (sweet, sweet procrastination), I should be just fine.

I was never really the guy that got invited to all of the "hot" parties, or had a crowd of people following me. I was just that unimportant guy who was always in the "third party". I wasn't even the cool kind of unimportant guy: I was just the awkward-friendly black guy that always wore a hat for some reason. Despite this, I've always liked being in the "third party": I didn't really cause much trouble, and nothing much really happened to me. It was easy too; all I had to do was simply be myself. But sometimes, I really wanted to be in the spotlight and I tried to do this by "overcompensating", but this usually backfired and my reputation for inane awkwardness grew: like that one time I simply asked a question and 80+ people burst out laughing at the sound of my voice: or the other numerous times where I've looked like an idiot trying to simply master the art of not fouling in basketball. Even now, I still shudder when my basketball coach mentions "Double dribble".

I can't ride a bike. I've never learned to swim. I have never even had a female companion to whom I could call my "girlfriend". And that makes me feel bad. But I know that there will be a time when I do have a girlfriend, when I can go swimming, and when I can ride a bike. And that is what makes me happy. And that is all that matters.
 

·
unstable
Joined
·
2,590 Posts
What do you think of my reflective essay? Any comments appreciated!
Note: this is pretty long (about 1000 words) sorry!

The Awkward-Friendly Black Guy

When our English teacher broke the heartbreaking news to our class that we have to write a reflective essay, my heart sank into an abyss of despair also known as profound confusion. It suddenly dawned on me: There is nothing in my life that is worth writing about. I could go on and on about the mechanics of Arcana Heart 3 [this should either be italic, underlined, or in quotations, i'm sure there's a proper way but i always found it varied between teachers/profs] (a popular fighting game), or endlessly discuss the possibilities of using pornography to study human anatomy (a crucial skill, necessary for artists and animators) but whenever I have to talk about myself in a serious tone, my mind draws a blank.

I guess it all began, my "nothing" streak [remove paren.] that is, when I was just a kid in Primary School. Most of the kids in my school were always playing with each other. I, on the other hand, was the guy that rarely did anything that wasn't associated with computers, "Pokemon", and "Yu-Gi-Oh" trading cards (yes, I also collected those). Already, my life was taking a turn for the awkward side. That being said, many children my age were into those things. THAT [prolly shouldn't use all caps in an essay, emphasise it using italic] being said, they probably just didn't make it as apparent as I did. Good for them. That's Strike One.

As male children grow up, they start to find that their female counterparts seem to become less "icky". I was no exception. This was a very good time in my life, as I learned to value the beauty of normal females: an essential skill for any heterosexual male to have if he wants a decent relationship later in life. Despite my newfound "skill", I was still shocked (and greatly disappointed) to find out that most girls didn't naturally look like Jessica Rabbit (an extremely attractive cartoon character, and my first (and still current) crush) [maybe there is a better way to word this rather than using double parenthesis, seems a bit convoluted]. It was at this point in my life that I seriously contemplated the possibility that I may never, ever, ever, have the girl of my dreams. However, statistically speaking that is, there has to be SOMEONE [again italic pls] that looks like Miss Jessica, so there is still some hope left in these 17 year old bones. It would be safe to assume that this is Strike Two.

Many people throughout their lives wish to become celebrities, lawyers, and even politicians. Many people [maybe just put They in order to not repeat Many People] achieve these things by working hard at school, doing their best at sports, or even just having a hobby or talent that they take pride in. I am not one of those people. My aspiration in life is to have a beautiful harem of maids that will tend to my every need in a giant mansion of gold. This dream will probably make my life a lot more uneventful (No girl wants to be a maid right?) but it has let me become more realistic in my ambitions, as this "plan" will probably never reach fruition. Is this normal? Or is it uncommon? Is it a stroke of genius!? Or is this a glimpse into a major psychological disorder? That's another story. Strike Three.

In an attempt at redemption (and personal preference I guess), I turned my lens of ambition from harem management towards the world of Animation. That's my passion in life (If you can call last resorts passion): I adore movement, and I wish to draw characters and worlds that other people love and will wish to become a part of. This dream is quite a tall order, so I would be perfectly fine working in an office everyday if it meant that I can actually eat three square meals, watch anime, and play Tekken 6 and Sonic Unleashed [do something with all the titles, like i put earlier it seems to depends on what the teacher prefers] all day when I got home. The culture wall is another hurdle too: many black mothers would rather have the son that could perform brain surgery backwards, or the son that owns a business empire, instead of the son that wants to draw anthropomorphised animals hitting each other with hammers and pointy objects for a living. That's Strike Four, and that's not even possible! With all those obstacles in place, I have quite a lot of work to do, but I am sure if I work hard, follow my passion and don't descend into procrastination (sweet, sweet procrastination), I should be just fine.

I was never really the guy that got invited to all of the "hot" parties, or had a crowd of people following me. I was just that unimportant guy who was always in the "third party". I wasn't even the cool kind of unimportant guy: I was just the awkward-friendly black guy that always wore a hat for some reason. Despite this, I've always liked being in the "third party": I didn't really cause much trouble, and nothing much really happened to me. It was easy too; all I had to do was simply be myself. But sometimes, I really wanted to be in the spotlight and I tried to do this by "overcompensating", but this usually backfired and my reputation for inane awkwardness grew: like that one time I simply asked a question and 80+ people burst out laughing at the sound of my voice: [i think your usage of the colon is incorrect in some places, but someone with more mad grammar skillz will have to deal with that] or the other numerous times where I've looked like an idiot trying to simply master the art of not fouling in basketball. Even now, I still [redundant cos you already put even now] shudder when my basketball coach mentions "Double dribble".

I can't ride a bike. I've never learned to swim. I have never even had a female companion to whom I could call my "girlfriend". And that makes me feel bad. But I know that there will be a time when I do have a girlfriend, when I can go swimming, and when I can ride a bike. And that is what makes me happy. And that is all that matters.

[also i'm not sure if this is a formal essay but if it is i don't think you're supposed to start sentences with and or or. so look out for that throughout your essay]
x
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,331 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Very nicely done! I liked it! You definitely have writing skills!

I'm not wearing my editor's hat right now but a quick skim of Eliza's comments seemed to hit the main things.
Thanks for the comments. It's so annoying typing, because I type the way I speak, which doesn't make sense.

Here's the updated version:

The Awkward-Friendly Black Guy

When our English teacher broke the heartbreaking news to our class that we have to write a reflective essay, my heart sank into an abyss of despair also known as profound confusion. It suddenly dawned on me: There is nothing in my life that is worth writing about. I could go on and on about the mechanics of "Arcana Heart 3" (a popular fighting game), or endlessly discuss the possibilities of using pornography to study human anatomy (a crucial skill, necessary for artists and animators) but whenever I have to talk about myself in a serious tone, my mind draws a blank.

I guess it all began my "nothing" streak that is, when I was just a kid in Primary School. Most of the kids in my school were always playing with each other. I, on the other hand, was the guy that rarely did anything that wasn't associated with computers, "Pokemon", and "Yu-Gi-Oh" trading cards (yes, I also collected those). [Put inverted commas around all titles] Already, my life was taking a turn for the awkward side. That being said, many children my age were into those things. That being said, they probably just didn't make it as apparent as I did. Good for them. That's Strike One.

As male children grow up, they start to find that their female counterparts seem to become less "icky". I was no exception. This was a very good time in my life, as I learned to value the beauty of normal females: an essential skill for any heterosexual male to have if he wants a decent relationship later in life. Despite my newfound "skill", I was still shocked (and greatly disappointed) to find out that most girls didn't naturally look like Jessica Rabbit, an extremely attractive cartoon character, and my first (and still current) crush. [Took out parenthesis altogether, should still read ok.] It was at this point in my life that I seriously contemplated the possibility that I may never, ever, ever, have the girl of my dreams. However, statistically speaking, there has to be someone that looks like Miss Jessica, so there is still some hope left in these 17 year old bones. It would be safe to assume that this is Strike Two.

Many people throughout their lives wish to become celebrities, lawyers, and even politicians. They achieve these things by working hard at school, doing their best at sports, or even just having a hobby or talent that they take pride in. I am not one of those people. My aspiration in life is to have a beautiful harem of maids that will tend to my every need in a giant mansion of gold. This dream will probably make my life a lot more uneventful (No girl wants to be a maid right?) but it has let me become more realistic in my ambitions, as this "plan" will probably never reach fruition. Is this normal? Is it uncommon? Is it a stroke of genius!? Or is this a glimpse into a major psychological disorder? That's another story. Strike Three. [Kept "Or" here to show my thought pattern on the matter. Does it work? Only time will tell.]

In an attempt at redemption (and personal preference I guess), I turned my lens of ambition from harem management towards the world of Animation. That's my passion in life (If you can call last resorts passion): I adore movement, and I wish to draw characters and worlds that other people love and will wish to become a part of. This dream is quite a tall order, so I would be perfectly fine working in an office everyday if it meant that I can actually eat three square meals, watch anime, and play "Tekken 6" and "Sonic Unleashed" all day when I got home. The culture wall is another hurdle too: many black mothers would rather have the son that could perform brain surgery backwards, or the son that owns a business empire, instead of the son that wants to draw anthropomorphised animals hitting each other with hammers and pointy objects for a living. That's Strike Four, and that's not even possible! With all those obstacles in place, I have quite a lot of work to do, but I am sure if I work hard, follow my passion and don't descend into procrastination (sweet, sweet procrastination), I should be just fine.

I was never really the guy that got invited to all of the "hot" parties, or had a crowd of people following me. I was just that unimportant guy who was always in the "third party". I wasn't even the cool kind of unimportant guy; I was just the awkward-friendly black guy that always wore a hat for some reason. Despite this, I've always liked being in the "third party". I didn't really cause much trouble, and nothing much really happened to me. It was easy too; all I had to do was simply be myself. But sometimes, I really wanted to be in the spotlight and I tried to do this by "overcompensating", but this usually backfired and my reputation for inane awkwardness grew: like that one time I simply asked a question and 80+ people burst out laughing at the sound of my voice: or the other numerous times where I've looked like an idiot trying to simply master the art of not fouling in basketball. Even now, I shudder when my basketball coach mentions "Double dribble". [I THINK I have fixed the colons and stuff]

I can't ride a bike. I've never learned to swim. I have never even had a female companion to whom I could call my "girlfriend". That makes me feel bad. However, I know that there will be a time when I do have a girlfriend, when I can go swimming, and when I can ride a bike. That is what makes me happy. And that is all that matters.

[I kept the final sentence starting with "And" for impact. Don't know if it works.]

How's that?
 

·
Swedish Feminist
Joined
·
3,286 Posts
Here's what I got.

1. Is this supposed to be a formal essay? If it is I wouldn't overdo it with the parentheses thing. Especially true if you have an entire sentence inside those parentheses.

2. Movie/game titles should be underlined (or in italics). All those quotation marks just make your essay look busy.

3. The first three sentences of the second paragraph sound awkward to me. Try to reword them.

3. Try to keep your sentences short.

4. If you live in the U.S., the comma or the period goes before the closing quotation mark. Example: "third party." instead of "third party".

5. I think you should explain what makes something Strike One or Strike Two. I don't think I really understood what that was all about. (And by that, I mean it would be hard for someone who's not hanging around an SA-related forum all day long to understand why so-and-so is a problem.)

6. Try to keep all of the paragraphs more or less the same length. Especially expand on paragraph two.

7. The conclusion should have something to do with the introduction. So for your last paragraph, try to bring it back to the whole "my English teacher wants me to write a reflective essay" thing.

8. I also think unless you want to elaborate on the Awkward-Friendly Black Guy concept you should give your essay a different title. From what I can see you only mentioned it once and almost in passing, so as it is the title doesn't really work for the essay.

9. There are still some minor errors (you put a comma when you shouldn't have, you put a colon when you could've used a comma, etc.), but I don't think they're as important as the overall content of the essay.

Good luck.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,331 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
1. Is this supposed to be a formal essay? If it is I wouldn't overdo it with the parentheses thing. Especially true if you have an entire sentence inside those parentheses.
Half and Half really. It's about me, and I'm not really formal, so it kind of clashes. I think I've done a decent job regardless. I have took out a lot of the parentheses though.

2. Movie/game titles should be underlined (or in italics). All those quotation marks just make your essay look busy..
Done.

3. The first three sentences of the second paragraph sound awkward to me. Try to reword them.
Done.

3. Try to keep your sentences short..
That's a kind of tricky one. You see, it's kind of hard to get my thoughts in precise sentences, since my brain is on overdrive all the time. But I've read it aloud, and it sounds free-flowing enough for me. Then again, that is just me. It's also hard to get my message across with shorties too.

4. If you live in the U.S., the comma or the period goes before the closing quotation mark. Example: "third party." instead of "third party"..
I'm British, so I think this changes. That rule of English (like many other rules of English) is incredibly annoying, especially when writing.

5. I think you should explain what makes something Strike One or Strike Two. I don't think I really understood what that was all about. (And by that, I mean it would be hard for someone who's not hanging around an SA-related forum all day long to understand why so-and-so is a problem.).
Took them out entirely, didn't work. More of a slapdash attempt at humour that failed.

6. Try to keep all of the paragraphs more or less the same length. Especially expand on paragraph two..
Done.

7. The conclusion should have something to do with the introduction. So for your last paragraph, try to bring it back to the whole "my English teacher wants me to write a reflective essay" thing..
Done, but I think I overdid it. It sounds like I'm shouting (which kind of works), or I'm crazy or something.

8. I also think unless you want to elaborate on the Awkward-Friendly Black Guy concept you should give your essay a different title. From what I can see you only mentioned it once and almost in passing, so as it is the title doesn't really work for the essay..
Done. I've changed it now, but may change it again.

9. There are still some minor errors (you put a comma when you shouldn't have, you put a colon when you could've used a comma, etc.), but I don't think they're as important as the overall content of the essay..
Done.

Thanks for the help! Very analytical!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,331 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Super Upgraded Version:


WTFAust[I used my real name as the title]

When our English teacher broke the heartbreaking news to our class that we have to write a reflective essay, my heart sank into an abyss of despair also known as profound confusion. It suddenly dawned on me: there is nothing in my life that is actually worth writing about. I could go on and on about the mechanics of Arcana Heart 3 (a popular fighting game), or endlessly discuss the possibilities of using pornography to study human anatomy (a crucial skill, necessary for artists and animators) but whenever I have to talk about myself in a serious tone, my mind draws a blank.

I guess my inability to talk about my life stemmed from the fact that I never really did anything that was worth talking about. I remember in primary school, all of the other kids used to run around, playing and socializing with their peers. I, on the other hand, was the lonely kid that rarely did anything that wasn't associated with computers, Pokemon, and Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards. Already, my life was taking a turn for the awkward side. That being said, many children my age were into those things. That being said, they probably just didn't make it as apparent as I did. Good for them. The playground can be the loneliest place on Earth If you can't get along. I learned this the hard way.


As male children grow up, they start to find that their female counterparts seem to become less "icky". I was no exception. This was a very good time in my life, as I learned to value the beauty of normal females: an essential skill for any heterosexual male to have if he wants a decent relationship later in life. Despite my newfound skill, I was still shocked (and greatly disappointed) to find out that most girls didn't naturally look like Jessica Rabbit, an extremely attractive cartoon character, and my first (and still current) crush. It was at this point in my life that I seriously contemplated the possibility that I may never, ever, ever, have the girl of my dreams. However, statistically speaking, there has to be someone that looks like Miss Jessica, so there is still some hope left in these 17 year old bones.



Many people throughout their lives wish to become celebrities, lawyers, and even politicians. They achieve these things by working hard at school, doing their best at sports, or even just having a hobby or talent that they take pride in. I am not one of those people. My aspiration in life is to have a beautiful harem of maids that will tend to my every need in a giant mansion of gold. This dream will probably make my life a lot more uneventful (No girl wants to be a maid right?) but it has let me become more realistic in my ambitions, as this "plan" will probably never reach fruition. Is this normal? Is it uncommon? Is it a stroke of genius!? Or is this a glimpse into a major psychological disorder? That's another story.

In an attempt at redemption I turned my lens of ambition from harem management towards the world of Animation. That's my passion in life (If you can call last resorts passion): I adore movement, and I wish to draw characters and worlds that other people love and will wish to become a part of. This dream is quite a tall order, so I would be perfectly fine working in an office everyday if it meant that I can actually eat three square meals, watch anime, and play Tekken 6 and Sonic Unleashed all day when I got home. The culture wall is another hurdle too: many black mothers would rather have the son that could perform brain surgery backwards, or the son that owns a business empire, instead of the son that wants to draw anthropomorphised animals hitting each other with hammers and pointy objects for a living. With all those obstacles in place, I have quite a lot of work to do, but I am sure if I work hard, follow my passion and don't descend into procrastination (sweet, sweet procrastination), I should be just fine.

I was never really the guy that got invited to all of the teenage parties, or had a crowd of people following me. I was just that unimportant guy who was always in the background. I wasn't even the cool kind of unimportant guy; I was just the awkward-friendly black guy that always wore a hat for some reason. Despite this, I've always liked being at the sidelines. I didn't really cause much trouble, and nothing much really happened to me. It was easy too; all I had to do was simply be myself. But sometimes, I really wanted to be in the spotlight and I tried to do this by "overcompensating", but this usually backfired and my reputation for inane awkwardness grew: like that one time I simply asked a question and 80+ people burst out laughing at the sound of my voice: or the other numerous times where I've looked like an idiot trying to simply master the art of not fouling in basketball. Even now, I shudder when my basketball coach mentions Double dribble.[I took out a lot of the inverted commas and stuff, and I think I've sorted out all the punctuation too.]

I can't ride a bike. I've never learned to swim. I have never even had a female companion to whom I could call my "girlfriend". That makes me feel bad. However, I know that there will be a time when I do have a girlfriend, when I can go swimming, and when I can ride a bike. That is what makes me happy. And that is all that matters. There you have it English teacher. You wanted an insight of my personality? Here it is! A glimpse into the very mind where
darkness becomes light, good becomes evil, and where God himself could not possibly decipher the intricate codes of my imagination! This is me! This is WTFAust! [I used my real name here too. See how I think I overdid it? Sorry, about the writing, It has to be in Times New Roman (which sucks!)]
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top