[Lightbrite]

I am often in the last 15 months, in a zoom meeting full of women or men and women with people who know each other or don’t know each other. This was about 16 women and it was the red thread society. I’m not even really solid on what the red thread society is and then it was on stars and then there was poetry and then there was just me being depressed for some reason I didn’t really know or understand and my answer as to what kind of star I am was I am every star because you can see the light but I may not really be there. After speaking my truth I had some kind of meltdown? Anxiety attack because it wasn’t panic. I just left, leave where is the red button. I couldn’t even give a bleep if I insulted or worried anyone there. I had to go because I really can’t cry all day. My plan was to go to sleep and was quickly thwarted by people with “real” problems. Why?

 

[Skeletra]

I’m honestly not sure if I understand what happened.
You went to a chat room with lots of strangers and started crying and then they said your problems weren’t real? (Correct?)

 

[Lightbrite]

Oh no. That is what confused me. I entered a meeting and they began doing business as usual Red Thread Art group and I answered a question that exposed my chronic depression to ME and a few of them. It was a poetic answer. It went on and I couldn’t shake this dead feeling. The. The fun part, the art was starting. These women don’t know me yet. Within about 5 minutes of explaining assignment, My eyes began to shed tears. This is my dissociative trick. I don’t acknowledge them and I don’t get beat. But then I began to tremble and all the sudden I was panicking? I was overwhelmed.
I had to decide if it was better to talk to the ladies and then take away from their art time by trying to explain what was happening or just abandon them and let them figure it out or ignore me. I went with the latter and just crumbled and never knew why. I kept seeing the piece of art that she showed. A star with a swirl in the middle and lines that went out from it like neurons. I love science I love neurons, I used to teach neurology and all that’s gone now because I’m disabled. Is that what it is is it more of my grief coming up? They were all strangers to me and no one felt like a friend. I didn’t picture myself being able to be friends with any of the women because they were also homespun. Literally they had looms at home! What was I doing in this group, did I understand what I was doing where I was was I just going anywhere hoping to fit in, would I ever fit in anywhere? That’s an ongoing nightmare of mine. I’m going to die without belonging. I don’t know why I panicked

 

[Skeletra]

If you’re used to dissociate, but didn’t this time or has stopped doing so, you’re going to feel certain emotions more strongly. Have you experienced something traumatic? It could be you were triggered by something.

I get that sense of not belonging. It’s rare that I feel like I belong in any group. As a teenager I would pretty much actively seek out the reasons I didn’t belong anywhere, and that too can be a bit intense. I joined this forums and groups in an attempt to connect with people like me with no luck. Try to focus on the things you have in common with other people. There will always be something that separates you from other people.