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I am taking my own sabatical and that would be from the supposed relationship, I thought I had with my 'God'

I just need a breather. I need to not be my worst critic when it comes to the deafening silence between God and me and to realise it may not have anything to do, with something I am not doing. Not praying with the holiest reverence, etc or whatever.
I screamed with sheer earnest the other night and I prayed to Him on and off the some like 5 hours and He gave me no reprieve, not even the tiniest thread of help.
I have to take a step back from Him because from the rejection I feel, I feel is my blame and I have enough misplaced blame in my life.
Trying in vain to have that warm relationship with my spiritual father I hear so many have......darn.. I have had enough of rejection.

I read and know of scripture that carries on about...Come to me with your burdens and know you can do none of it without me..lump it all on me and I will take care of all your burdens etc..

I am up to me ears with all this.. I need a sabbatical and to stop being so hard on myself. I am sick of praying and trying to have a relationship with a stone wall.
Its like a game of cat and mouse.. I'm the talking and praying mouse pleading with the cat who is mute and ready to pounce on me with damnation and judgement.

Anxiety is going to rob me of my years
 

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I am sorry to hear how down you are feeling right now. Even though you are taking a step back, I hope you don't mind a response. I think it is very rare for someone to always feel God's presence. I think for most of us we sometimes hear silence back. One of my favorite scenes from the movie The Nativity Story (and I haven't seen this in a while, so this is the way I remember it) is when Joseph and Mary are traveling to Bethlehem and the journey is long and difficult and people don't believe their story and they are in this vast open area at night, Mary is sleeping and Joseph is asking God, just give me a sign that we are doing your will. He waits and waits and finally it's like this acceptance, okay I am not going to hear a response, I am not going to see a sign. He journeys on in faith and sees the blessing in the end.

You show a lot of wisdom and closeness to God in what I have seen from you. If God seems distant from your vantage, your life and your wisdom show to me that he is there with you and His protection and love is there with you. I know Mother Teresa heard nothing from God for the longest time and felt darkness, but others could see His light in her. I'm not sure why that is, but I think it must be the total opposite of rejection because it seems to happen to those closest to Him.
 
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