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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I can't seem to get out of bed.. With each passing day I feel I'm getting worse.. I'm not eating properly, etc. I need someone to visit so I can get up but my house is a mess and I dont really have anyone anyway.. (god this sounds pathetic).. I have a good friend about half hour's drive away who visited couple of weeks ago and I was pretty okay when she and her little one were here, but then when they left I just went back to bed..

My mum's on holidays far away, my niece is, and so is sister.. They're all texting me on what a good time they're having and I am happy for them.
But i seriously wish i'd never been born and i think i've pretty much always felt that way.. and i'm over 30.. bummer hey

I actually looked on the web for how to suicide painlessly today, but it just said if you do you will burn in hell, and that doesnt sound much fun either
 

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That pretty much describes me too. Struggle everyday to get up. Have to return back to work in a few hours but still can't fall asleep (now 4:32 AM central) despite aids.

Every day is getting more aimless. Substituting food with drinking beers all day. My neices and nephews between 2 and 8 are my only friends other than you internet SAS people. My coworkers in another life would have been on the other side of the bloody feudal fight shooting arrows my way.

***deleted***
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
That pretty much describes me too. Struggle everyday to get up. Have to return back to work in a few hours but still can't fall asleep (now 4:32 AM central) despite aids.

Every day is getting more aimless. Substituting food with drinking beers all day. My neices and nephews between 2 and 8 are my only friends other than you internet SAS people. My coworkers in another life would have been on the other side of the bloody feudal fight shooting arrows my way.

***deleted***
Hi caveman,

Thanku so much for replying.. i used to work years ago, and struggled with it like you are seeming to.. Then I got put on the disability pension..
Yes the only people I seem to feel comfortable with is little people (children).

Shame, I wouldn't be able to travel to netherlands and i don't have the confidence :no

Thank goodness for frozen meals. I managed to go out to kitchen and heat one up..

Hope to talk to you again sometime caveman. I really appreciated your message. Ciao for now.. pixi

*Edited* I had a painkiller once (cant think at mo) that my exboy was taking for his back. I only took a half and such relief. I would only take it once a week I think, just to take a break from sh*t..
Hope I can do it.. I used to drink, but don't anymore. Cheers, kaaryn
 

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HI Kaaryn, i hope you are ok. I have gone through that to, and i think the only reason i am ok is that i went on anti'depressants and they blocked the negative thoughts, though i still get anxiety at times. Have you tried medication? I felt a pain in my heart when i read in your post that you looked up ways to commit suicide. Please dont! i see you are recent to SAS, this place is great for support.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
hanging in there

HI Kaaryn, i hope you are ok. I have gone through that to, and i think the only reason i am ok is that i went on anti'depressants and they blocked the negative thoughts, though i still get anxiety at times. Have you tried medication? I felt a pain in my heart when i read in your post that you looked up ways to commit suicide. Please dont! i see you are recent to SAS, this place is great for support.
Thanx Cassabell.. I wouldnt commit suicide sorry.. I would feel too guilty to start with.. Yes i have tried many medications and many different therapies.

Thank u so much for replying.. I also love your signature quote. hugs, pixibelle.
 

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Hey there - I edited some of the posts since discussion of methods of suicide isn't allowed here. I'm so sorry for the pain you're suffering and can relate to how you feel as I don't have much of a support network myself. Please hang in there! :squeeze

I know you said you wouldn't commit suicide, but here are some resources for you when things start to get to be too much to handle:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Suicide
If you are currently thinking about harming or killing yourself please seek help immediately.
On the forums, suicide threats and the discussion of suicide is not permitted. On your personal blog, sharing your feelings is fine, but please do not share means or plans of suicide.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hey there - I edited some of the posts since discussion of methods of suicide isn't allowed here. I'm so sorry for the pain you're suffering and can relate to how you feel as I don't have much of a support network myself. Please hang in there! :squeeze

I know you said you wouldn't commit suicide, but here are some resources for you when things start to get to be too much to handle:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
thanks mel
 

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We all come across the question/statement of why were we born/The world is better off without us. But look how long you've survived so far, you're over 30 and you know that there may be difficultly getting out of bed, but we all do, a good thing to do is just motivate yourself in being more productive. I hope you try to smile and just bear in mind that it's not over yet, you are still a person of value to others. As I'm sure anyone is ready to hear you out and give advice. Take care, hope you make it a goal to motivate yourself out of bed and do things to move forward.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Endurance

We all come across the question/statement of why were we born/The world is better off without us. But look how long you've survived so far, you're over 30 and you know that there may be difficultly getting out of bed, but we all do, a good thing to do is just motivate yourself in being more productive. I hope you try to smile and just bear in mind that it's not over yet, you are still a person of value to others. As I'm sure anyone is ready to hear you out and give advice. Take care, hope you make it a goal to motivate yourself out of bed and do things to move forward.
Thanku Dissonance..
I'm sure someone will visit me soon.. Just venting and enduring.. All the best to you as well..
 

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I have been like that for years it sucks, this year has been rough also. I have had many thoughts of suicide. What helps me get through a litte is I don't want my consciousness to just cease to exist and that is one of the things that could happen if I killed myself. Do you really want to be nothing? Because if you do you are different the me. If things do go on somehow after I die and this is a long journey I don't think quitting will get me anywhere on a journey. I am agnostic by the way. For me its a no win I don't really think I can just kill myself and things will get better then they are.
 

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Perhaps you should let your mom or sister know how you're feeling. If the situation were reversed,you'd want to help them. There's no shame in reaching out to others. I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way.
 

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I can completely relate to your situation as well. I have my bad periods and I have my ok periods. Currently I am holding on to an 'ok' period, but my body just won't work along. I am so exhausted when I wake up in the morning, the whole idea that I have to face the world, fake a smile, fake interest, do some meaningless administration at work are all too much for me to handle. But I go along and live for the weekends, when I can just rest.

For me animals have been my strenght. I could be at my lowest, but can be reminded that it is still ok when my cat comes into the room & shows me his belly for no reason! This actually happens so often that I truly believe that animals know how I feel and are doing their best to distract me. I could be walking down the street and this stray dog will jump in front of me, startle me and scare me, but he/she will either give me a paw or will follow me all the way to my destination, just to keep me company.

I guess you need to find the things that give you strenght as well and do your best to hold on to them. Quite often it takes a little effort to find that strenght (such as getting out of the house, calling/reaching out to a friend etc.) I wish you all the best....
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
animals

I can completely relate to your situation as well. I have my bad periods and I have my ok periods. Currently I am holding on to an 'ok' period, but my body just won't work along. I am so exhausted when I wake up in the morning, the whole idea that I have to face the world, fake a smile, fake interest, do some meaningless administration at work are all too much for me to handle. But I go along and live for the weekends, when I can just rest.

For me animals have been my strenght. I could be at my lowest, but can be reminded that it is still ok when my cat comes into the room & shows me his belly for no reason! This actually happens so often that I truly believe that animals know how I feel and are doing their best to distract me. I could be walking down the street and this stray dog will jump in front of me, startle me and scare me, but he/she will either give me a paw or will follow me all the way to my destination, just to keep me company.

I guess you need to find the things that give you strenght as well and do your best to hold on to them. Quite often it takes a little effort to find that strenght (such as getting out of the house, calling/reaching out to a friend etc.) I wish you all the best....
Thanx victorianGirl.. Yes animals do keep me going sometimes.. I have to keep my fish alive and mum's canary while she's away.. Funny its almost like they're worth more than me lol.
I have had that experience too with animals. There's a gorgeous beagle up the road that is fenced in and always comes to the fence to say hello..
I would actually love to ask the owner if i could take it for a walk as it is very overweight, but don't think i'd have the confidence to ask.
I have become quite attached to mum's canary, and it's nice and quiet so it doesnt annoy me..

I actually got downstairs for a few minutes today and picked the canary some kale (cabbage) which i found out they like, so they can help motivation.

I texted mum that she's gunna have a hard time getting it back off me, because 'tweety' has become very attached to me..

Ps I can relate re working, i used to feel same way..
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Perhaps you should let your mom or sister know how you're feeling. If the situation were reversed,you'd want to help them. There's no shame in reaching out to others. I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way.
Thank u Still, family are on holidays at the moment.. but i have an allocated volunteer pal that dropped a few groceries at the door today which was lovely of her.. It was very hard to ask because i didnt want to interrupt her holiday, but i'm glad i did.. I wanted to pay her to do it, but she wouldnt hear of it.. She even put in some extra party pies or perhaps home-cooked? (I havent checked them out closely yet), but i think it picked up my self worth a little, and I got up for a shower, cleaned teeth, 2min exercise on walker, cleaned canary cage and got downstairs for a few mins.. So kindness makes the world go round, not money.. hugs, pixiGirl
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Endurance

I have been like that for years it sucks, this year has been rough also. I have had many thoughts of suicide. What helps me get through a litte is I don't want my consciousness to just cease to exist and that is one of the things that could happen if I killed myself. Do you really want to be nothing? Because if you do you are different the me. If things do go on somehow after I die and this is a long journey I don't think quitting will get me anywhere on a journey. I am agnostic by the way. For me its a no win I don't really think I can just kill myself and things will get better then they are.
Hey thanx sonnyboy, I can relate to what u r saying.. yeaars of suckdom.. And yes I do not know what happens after death either..
I don't know, nothing may be ok, we wouldnt know any different lol.

And there was a little shift in consciousness for me today.. Sometimes, stranglely, it waiting it out and then there appears a little ray of light somewhere in my mind, and i push it to the max, when it happens.. So I got a little bit done today and got downstairs for a few minutes and breathed some fresh air..

Sometimes I wonder if this is the journey i'm supposed to take, wtf nose??
I just enjoy the good moments to the fullest and breathe through the rest.

Luv 'n lite,
Pixigirl.

Ps keep in touch if you like, cheers
 

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Hey thanx sonnyboy, I can relate to what u r saying.. yeaars of suckdom.. And yes I do not know what happens after death either..
I don't know, nothing may be ok, we wouldnt know any different lol.

And there was a little shift in consciousness for me today.. Sometimes, stranglely, it waiting it out and then there appears a little ray of light somewhere in my mind, and i push it to the max, when it happens.. So I got a little bit done today and got downstairs for a few minutes and breathed some fresh air..

Sometimes I wonder if this is the journey i'm supposed to take, wtf nose??
I just enjoy the good moments to the fullest and breathe through the rest.

Luv 'n lite,
Pixigirl.

Ps keep in touch if you like, cheers
No problem, sounds like you are in pretty rough shape. Some of what you said about how you are feeling a little better reminded me of a poem I read a little while ago. I will paste it down below so you can read it. Take care of yourself.

your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

@Charles Bukowski
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Kaaryn, come on here when things get too much **hugs**
thanx lisa. appreciated it. and good to be reminded of it.. We all have different areas to work on.. and definitely good to find people that relate to a degree on similar problems on this site.. cheers, and best of wishes to u.
 
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