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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's weird, I feel like I've just made an emotional breaththrough :D... it is kind of weird... ehm. Well it's because I had been reading an ongoing thread on here relating to the friendzone, which sparked my curiosity and led me to reading various online blogs relating to the friendzone. And the comments on one such blog irritated me to the point of (well I mean reading things online tend to irritate me a lot and get me kind of fired up all the time) me writing my own comment in response to these comments. I think the comment was pretty polite (though a lot of it was targeted towards men I must admit as most of the people annoying me were men >_<), but I'm sure it probably still hurts some feelings which I apologize for. I really am not hating on anyone in general except for players (which my definition is the obvious one). Still I think it contains some advice I didn't even know existed within me and that perhaps I myself need to follow more :p. So the comment is -

Why do all the men on this forum seem to think women are some all powerful, mind controlling, sexual machines that are out to get them and use them because they see them as inferior?

I also find it fascinating how many men on here are complaining about being friendzoned by women that go for the jerks. However, they also complain about the women of their own affections using them and showing clear disregard for their feelings. They both sound like the same kind of people to me. You have to understand that everyone can be a poor judge of character, men and women alike. People that are interested in only getting sex or something beneficial to themselves out of a relationship are usually pretty skilled in using people and making their feelings seem genuine.

I find the generalization that women go for jerks even more annoying than the generalizations about the friendzone. I find this annoying because men and women both go for the jerks. Look at all the men on this forum who have obviously had some bad relationships with women who were only out to use them. Better yet, think back to the girls that were usually popular in high school, and usually continue to be popular even after that. I think it has something to do with how much people are drawn to others with power, but the power that these women who could have anything at the drop of a hat and these men that always seem to steal the woman away from a guy who genuinely wants to win her heart is only gained through the ability to control and a lot of us are blinded to that.

A lot of women for instance don't want a man who they might find weak so they friendzone the nice guys and go for one of these guys who might seem strong, but only have that power through controlling others. It's not going to be long before she's feeling controlled as well, but as everyone on here has stated it's not that easy to leave someone that you have developed feelings for.

What guys and girls alike need to do is develop a strength of their own. Seem powerful to others and that will draw them to you, but be powerful in your own way. Sometimes silence is power, sometimes people find spirituality to be powerful, some people find art to be powerful. But if you're powerful in your own way, then other people who are interested in that kind of power are going to be drawn to you. Be powerful in you're sexuality for instance and you're going to find like-minded people. However I wouldn't suggest building a relationship off of this as, well your significant other is going to be powerful in their sexuality so you're cruising for a bruising.

I know I’ve seemed to gone astray from the friendzone topic, I just suddenly got the urge to write that and so I did, but this is relative. It is relative because a passion for life is very attractive. I have plenty of guy friends, who I am positive only want to remain friends however, that are kind to me but I don’t think I would consider dating as their passion in life is very lacking. They are the kind of person who I could see relying on their significant other to provide them with a passion in life, and if that significant other left I could see them going off the deep end. And I could not be in a relationship with someone like this not because I’m planning on breaking their heart in the future and I don’t want to be responsible for that, but because being the only thing providing their source of happiness in life would be completely miserable. If we ever got into a mutual argument I know I would always be the one becoming the bad guy.

This is also why I’m scared by what a lot of men (and some of the women too) on this forum are saying, because that’s exactly what they are doing, they’re blaming the other for the existence of the friendzone in the first place. The friendzone really is the result of an emotional argument; the argument “I want to be more than friends” VS “I want to remain friends.” It’s not anyone’s fault that one wants to be more than friends and the other does not. The only problem that exists is the lingering emotions after such an argument is made and whether or not one is able to move past their emotions in order to stay with the other. This also accounts for the emotions of the one who turned the other down, as I have known people to distance themselves and finally cut off contact with someone who was a friend of theirs but had romantic feelings for them and they found the relationship had become too awkward and too exhausting to continue, because the other person was always expecting more.

So I just want to clear some things up. It is no one’s fault that you were turned down. It’s not your friend’s fault, because you just weren’t what they are looking for in a relationship. You don’t give out the kind of “power” they want in a romantic relationship but one that they can connect to on a platonic level. It’s not your fault either. You have your own strengths. The sting of rejection hurts everyone, in all aspects of life; it’s going to be there. This is where you need to be powerful. You either need to be powerful and stay friends and accept that that is what you’re going to be, or you need to find the power in yourself to leave the relationship. And continue to show this strength and power even after you’ve been turned down. Understand that life is more than a big dating game. When you’re finally being passionate and honest in the way that you live and you let others see the kind of power and strength that you do have, then the right kind of people are going to be drawn to you.

^^^long long ramble that I know no one is going to read but I’m going to post anyways because I spent too long writing it…
PS: I do agree with the author of this blog though that 500 Days of Summer is a great movie and while I wasn’t even thinking about as I was writing, it kind of accurately depicts what I was talking about when I said to live honestly with yourself and display your own strengths and you will find that more people are drawn to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Well in my opinion the friendzone is more of an emotional place that the one being friendzoned puts his or herself into. Not the one who did the turning down. In the other person's mind you're still a friend. In your mind you're in the "friendzone" because you're the one with the lingering romantic feelings. In the end the only one who can get you out of the friendzone is yourself, since that's where you've put yourself. It's not up to the other person to get you out, because the only way for them to do that if they aren't romantically attracted to you is to pretend that they are. Which is unfair to both.

So I think it exists, just not in the context what most people think. It's not a place that exists in the friendzoner's mind, only in the mind of the one that was friendzoned.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
More or less though the breakthrough I was talking about wasn't really about the friendzone, but more about where I felt everyone gives off their own kind of power and that more people will be drawn to you once you find that power and start using it to live honestly :)
 

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This is an exceptional post!

I doubt I have anything to add, but I agree. I think we have our own formulas in our head about what it is that gets us love, possibly which we learned as children. When we apply effort to being an ideal of our model of what is good or what it is that gets us affection or attention and it doesn't work on others the way we learned, we feel an unfairness, that we were cheated. We gave something as a trade expecting something as though some agreement had been previously established between ourselves and other social beings, that we would get what we wanted if we offered something in particular. That agreement being violated makes us feel anger and wish to punish the other for the breech of contract. I find this still in myself sometimes, an anger rise up at someone who I know intellectually has done nothing wrong, and I know it is only my childish sense of what "love" means, this love as a trade.

Ultimately I think these constructs and equations of love with particular methods of exchange stand in the way of true trust and love for other people. The whole idea expresses some faith in a reality where "love" is only this or that kind of trade, of getting for giving. From that perspective, real love as inspiration is incomprehensible and could never be interpreted correctly. It could never be received at all, and certainly not given. Yet knowing love that rises above this lets us behold this as a shard of an older way, not to be taken seriously.

But what we experience recruits similar experiences in our minds that it may be made sense of, and is such that it wants to inhibit alternative perspectives or understanding, in particular given our emotional investment in it, and so it's easy, even from people who might otherwise know better, to think in these older ways. One part of the brain doesn't always know what the other is doing, certainly.
 

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Ever noticed that popular girls in high school are all drop-dead gorgeous?

Therefore, men aren't drawn to their "power" or such, they are drawn to their looks.
 
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