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I'm getting to the point where suicide makes more sense to me than living. I've been losing faith in humanity and seeing problems with Christianity for over a year now because loving people unconditionally has just led to abandonment and heartache. And, it's just getting worse. I have no friends, only acquaintances that I'm never able to turn into friends. My Parents are dead. My Brothers have made it abundantly clear that they do not care about me. My high school girl friend was the only person who knew me and I reached out to her after 20 years of staying away after she dumped me when she was raped...but she's made it abundantly clear she does not care about me...even telling me to go ahead and kill myself as long as I get good insurance. I've tried seeking counsel from half a dozen coworkers, all different relationships to me at work including peers, but one said it best when he told me people don't want to hear about my personal problems. My Supervisor talks a lot about how empathic he is and he's great with Clients, but one time I was going to tell him I was suicidal and he didn't pick up on it but instead unloaded several very unfair criticisms on me from people in the office who don't like the fact that my job is to save people's lives by addressing errors they make and doing everything I can to make sure errors are not made. I often work over 60 hours a week to address the problems people create and I've mentioned that I'm doing this but it never seems to matter to anyone. The only thing that matters is if they have to wait for me to do what I do. I've hired a dozen people to assist me over the past 3 years and these people are loyal and I'm training them...but there's only so much I can do in the meantime because my skill is in very short supply in the marketplace.

I've tried several people at the Church I used to belong to, speaking with people at all levels all the way up to the top. And, people just don't care that they cannot refute what I'm saying and that unconditional love is hell.

On the surface, people think I'm a highly successful person that is well connected. However, I have concluded based on an overwhelming amount of data that people have to care about themselves, and have very little time for empathy. I have wasted my life helping people that simply take and have no appreciation for what I do for them...and I get it. Why should they care about me? But, if people should not care about people like me...why should I exist? Why should any of us exist?

People are all about the win-win. I get that. I just don't want to have to sell myself to be loved. I have lived for many decades with a very merciful heart but when my high school girlfriend would not even talk with me, even though I understand it, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I've tried chat rooms but I have no real meaningful connections. I've tried Craigslist. I've tried a counselor but the counselor referred me to see a psychiatrist...why do I need to see one? Because I'm suicidal...but not because I'm wrong about anything. And, when I went to schedule the appointment, the psychiatrist's office said the Doctor is just there to prescribe medications...even though they don't know the first thing about me yet and they said they do not have time to meet with me for more than 15 minutes at a time. I tried to see a psychologist, but they're all booked up and not taking new patients if they're any good.
 

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Welcome to the forum :) This site isn't very big on people discussing suicide directly. http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f33/threads-about-suicide-and-crisis-resources-82302/ . I find it hard not to discuss it myself. There are a lot of fellow depressed people on here though. I've been going to a psychiatrist for depression, but I can relate on knowing you have reasons to be depressed. Sorry to hear that your old girlfriend has been horrible to you. You'll find a lot of much nicer people here.
 

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Welcome, Scurvy! :)
 
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