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I have had depressioin problems since I was very young, and was on zoloft and kolonopin for a couple of years until I decided to stop all medications and was fine for about 2 years. When I first started having panic attacks again, the day before my first attack in probably years I smoked marijuana. I used to smoke it recreactinally for some time and stopped for a while, but I was on vacation and had not smoked it probably a year and wanted to. Bad mistake, I instantly started having a panic attack that lasted probably about 2 hours until I didn't feel high anymore, and that was that. I was fine with it and just deemed never to smoke marijuana again.

The next day I was headed to work, thinking as I was driving and just started thinking about if people found out I smoked weed, even though my job didnt drug test and never did. I just started thinking a whole bunch of unrelated things and had a panic attack. Probably about 4 or 5 long ones throughout the day. I went to work for 3 more weeks after that but then couldnt handle it anymore and havent worked in 6 months since. So it just happened that the panic attack happened while going to work, so now I deem work as a bad place I guess you could say? Even though I love to work.

I know nothing will happen if I go to work, I just have to convince myself more, I just think if I go to work im going to have a panic attack and I am scared to go to work now. That is what triggered it all together, so now I look back blaming myself for smoking weed because I think this would have never happened if I didnt do that. But I cant change that now so now I am just looking on how to fix the problem. I feel like im close but just cant quite get myself to go to work because of all the fears.

So now I am stuck on what to do. Even though I used to take medication, I am now scared because I have been thinking about it to much. A med phobia you could say. What will happen to me if I start medication, how will it make me feel, will I start having a panic attack as soon as I take it, will I get addicted etc. So after looking at the medication on my table I think if I can try to go back to work without using meds. But on the other hand, I am to scared to force myself back to work now without using medication after it being so long now. I think things now like what will if feel like going back to work, and just a bunch of things that get me worked up.

I am at the point now where my bills are starting to get behind, so I am going to have to do something. But all I do is sit around and go back and forth on what to do. I never actually do anything as I cant force myself to. In my head I think about trying to do something all the time ut at everyone else looking in on me, such as my family, it looks like I am making no effort at all to try to get back to work. I think about it all the time, but like I said before I never do anything. Thanks for listening and I hope to get some good insight.
 

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I feel what your going through. Bcs I've been there and back. I'm still struggling with those same questions time to time. I have nothing against Mj used reasonably. But if it starts being a trigger in order to feel outgoing for a short while let's be honest the results are only temporary. There are drugs out there that can assist you with dealing with life in a less stressful condition. I hate to phrase it like this but it is a science and you should seek psychiatrist you trust that can help you find the right combination to get you feeling better about yourself and how you feel. I never liked being dependant on meds but I've honestly come to realize in my own experience that there can be a positive effect. And it doesn't make you any less of a person to need to be on them. You just need to find what truly works for you. It's going to take trial and error but be honest with your doctor and you should find a solution.
 

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I read this saying that kind of put it into perspective for me. It has to do with this Irish man who approaches a tall wall or obstacle if you will. Instead of turning around and giving up he throws his favorite hat over the wall in order to give no other choice but to defeat his obstacle.
 
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