[Tangent]

This is something I have had a problem with for some time, but I think it's slightly worse than usual at the moment, so I wanted to ask if anyone else experienced this:

While I am often capable of seeming almost extrovert online, I have real difficulty bringing myself to actually start instant messaging conversations with people, e.g. on MSN. Even people who I have been talking to for over a year who are quite close contacts (I am hesitant to say "friend", since I never see these people IRL anymore) - once they start a conversation I'm usually ok, but I can never start it myself. I think I have some unshakeable internal conviction that they just don't want to talk to me, and that if I start a conversation I will just be bothering them.

Is anyone else like this, or am I alone in this particular weirdness?

 

[N3XT2NON3]

nah, I thought I was the only one. As easy as IM'ing seems. I can only start IM'ing with my best friends. Like a real conversation, I tend not to be able to carry out a conversation on AIM.

 

[JFmtl]

I have the same problem here, on msn, I only start conversation with people that I have known IRL for a long time. I've had a few people from SAS chat and forum on my msn, but I don't think i ever started an MSN conversation at all with them lol. I always fear i will bother them or that i just don't know what to talk about.
Overall, I'm just as introverted online as i am in real life.

 

[VistaKai]

I also have that problem. It's like after you start a conversation, you feel a weird responsibility to keep it going and not make your friend bored. It is so much easier to have someone else say hi, but if they can do it, then it must not be as hard as we think it is...

 

[Steelfox]

I also have this problem. I always feel if they wanted to talk to me then they would start the conversation. If they don't start one then I think I was right and they didn't want to talk to me. My issues go beyond just IMs too. I can't make phone calls at all. Even if someone tells me to call them. I even have a hard time sometimes starting a conversation with my best friends when they are standing right next to me lol. I won't start posts on forums because I figued people don't want to read anything I have to say. I don't even like answering post for the same reason. I'm working on that one though as you can see.

 

[kanarazu]

me too, same as in real life... once someone else starts I am fine and even a bit normal but I just can't manage to start myself

 

[Post_Punk_Proclivity]

I initiate 95% of all conversations (barre one maybe two people who have initiated with me) i have online so that's saying something about my general annoyingness.

I mostly have issues with saying bye to people for some reason. I generally suck at that, and sometimes keeping a conversation worthwhile on an IM service is a hard thing for me to do.

 

[Tangent]

It's like after you start a conversation, you feel a weird responsibility to keep it going and not make your friend bored. It is so much easier to have someone else say hi, but if they can do it, then it must not be as hard as we think it is...

Yes, I completely agree with this, that is exactly how I feel! Though even when someone else starts an IM conversation, if it isn't going well I still start to feel it is somehow my fault, yet the weight of guilt is much less than if I start a failing conversation myself. Other people, however, seem to have no such qualms and are perfectly happy to start a conversation with me even when they have absolutely nothing to say (I cannot imagine starting a conversation without planning my topics in advance - I am weird) - so I guess if you can get over anxiety it must be perfectly fine to start conversations that quickly die out - I just have trouble convincing myself of this.

I always feel if they wanted to talk to me then they would start the conversation. If they don't start one then I think I was right and they didn't want to talk to me.

Yeh, I also get this impression...if I sign in and am just ignored, I assume I will be bothering them if I start a conversation as they clearly (in my deranged mind) don't want to talk, yet if they sign in and I'm already online, I don't talk to them because I assume if they want to talk they will start the conversation. I know this is absolutely hypocritical and stupid, but I have always known my anxiety is largely irrational, it doesn't stop it being there though.

The problem is that all this gives other people the impression that I don't want to talk to them...or am just being rude or don't care or whatever...which makes them less inclined to start conversations with me...which reinforces the initial problem, as the less people initiate conversations with me, the more I feel like I will be bothering them if I start talking to them. *sigh*

 

[veron]

I usually start with something like "hi there, are you busy?" I guess if they don't want to talk to me they can either ignore me or say they're talking to somebody else.

 

[Nameless]

when i first joined, i would never PM people. and even when i added people from sas, i never messaged them. but then i got banned for a month (from SAS) and had nothing better to do, so i started messaging people and i had the same problem you guys mentioned. but i kept "bothering" people so much and they still keep talking to me. so i figured maybe i'm not really bothering them and most people give the vibe they enjoy talking to me. so now i don't really care, if i want to talk to someone i just IM them. i don't even think twice. even when they don't reply sometimes i keep going on :lol

 

[Laconic1]

I have no problem at all starting an IM conversation. In fact, my words and thoughts flow a lot better over IM than in person or over the phone.

 

[alohomora]

me too, same as in real life... once someone else starts I am fine and even a bit normal but I just can't manage to start myself

If I don't initiate the conversation in real life, it's harder for me to talk.

 

[britisharrow]

This is something I have had a problem with for some time, but I think it's slightly worse than usual at the moment, so I wanted to ask if anyone else experienced this:

While I am often capable of seeming almost extrovert online, I have real difficulty bringing myself to actually start instant messaging conversations with people, e.g. on MSN. Even people who I have been talking to for over a year who are quite close contacts (I am hesitant to say "friend", since I never see these people IRL anymore) - once they start a conversation I'm usually ok, but I can never start it myself. I think I have some unshakeable internal conviction that they just don't want to talk to me, and that if I start a conversation I will just be bothering them.

Is anyone else like this, or am I alone in this particular weirdness?

I suffer from this as well, here's a practical tip that might help:

Remind yourself that you have no idea what that person on your contact list is doing, you have no evidence they're busy talking to more interesting people, you have no evidence they are enjoying themselves. They may very well be feeling lonely or bored, just as likely, possibly even more likely.

If you're talking to someone online and you're getting hints from them that they don't want to talk to you, then delete them from your contact list, you don't need to block them as they may change their tune and come looking for you and then you've got the ball in your court. How do you know if someone doesn't want to talk to you? If you're getting one word answers, or answers from them that don't go anywhere, if they're not asking you questions back, not expressing any interest in you, then have some pride and delete them.

The internet is literally full of a lot of self-absorbed idiots, MSN is full of them, IRC is 99% of them, delete them and chat to other people.

 

[Tangent]

The internet is literally full of a lot of self-absorbed idiots, MSN is full of them, IRC is 99% of them, delete them and chat to other people.

I don't have many people who will actually talk to me on MSN - for most of the last year I have only had 1 person who I could actually hold a conversation for more than 30 minutes with. If I deleted all the self-absorbed idiots from my contact list, I'd have nobody left to talk to - and then how would I fill my evenings? What would dispense the next-best-thing-to-social-contact then? And besides, I would also need to find a way to delete myself.

Strangely, I don't actually have this problem on IRC - except the first time I visit a given chat room or if it is particularly hostile.

 

[britisharrow]

And besides, I would also need to find a way to delete myself.

You do have a sense of humour. Where are you meeting these MSN contacts, maybe go to forums and message boards about topics that you find interesting. Such as if you like golf, there are golfing message boards, and then there will always be something in common to talk about.

 

[heyJude]

I can't start an IM convo either. The person usually responds with one word replies which makes me think I am just bothering them, then I close the window...and feel embarrassed and rejected, especially if I always make an effort when they IM me. :blank

 

[Recipe For Disaster]

I initiate 95% of all conversations (barre one maybe two people who have initiated with me) i have online so that's saying something about my general annoyingness.

same here. i dont really care what people think as long as they are not people i will see in real life. if they find me annoying, we usually just stop talking.