[kazoopaula]

Flower...reading your posts reminds me of a saying. "If I keeping doing what I've done, I'll keep getting what I got." I'm at a point in my life where I am fed up with the way things are - and I won't tollerate it to continue. The %#^$ negative tapes in my head are getting to the toxic level and I am fed up. Time for a new deal.

 

[kazoopaula]

Flower...I have often wondered if the times that I "wasn't depressed" was just that the level of depression wasn't causing pain. I wonder if the facets of my feelings have been accustomed to pain and that the lack of pain would trigger my belief that I wasn't all that depressed. I wonder if "survive" was the goal I was setting for myself when maybe it could be "thrive." Maybe I have cut my recovery off as soon as the pain wasn't my focus. Lack of pleasure is also an aspect of depression. Just my ramblings...

 

[kazoopaula]

treating depression first

It makes a lot of sense to treat the depression first...I never really though about it before....hmmm.

Paula opcorn

 

[kazoopaula]

Flower and Jess - I thank you both for your positive words and encouragement. If you think about it - we are fortunate. We have the opportunity to take an honest look at ourselves and grow as people because of it. Will I ever have a "perfect" cure? I think that would imply that I would be "perfect" and I really don't want to aim for perfection. I want peace and happiness in my life - and that means I don't want to live constantly scrutinizing every move I make and punishing myself for every perceived flaw. I want to surround myself with people who support my recoveryand put distance between me and those who don't. I don't want to live with the weight of the world on my shoulders or in a state of constant gloom. I am hopeful because I see small changes in myself from month to month. I work hard in therapy - I say exactly what is on my mind and if something is uncomfortable - I say that too and talk about it as much as I can get out. Going back to where I was is not an option...I refuse to live like that any longer. Nothing or no one else gets a say in this...it is my decision...period.

 

[kazoopaula]

It's ironic that this thread would come back to me today. I read my message from late November - and it was something I needed to see. I agree Tony, it is far easier to stay the same. I often feel lazy and don't want to expend the effort to do the things I need to do. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm worth the effort. But I am worth the effort and worthy of living a happy life.