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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Well, I'm kind of self loathing so I gotta use my "angst" account.

I try to practice stoicism, which is the philosophy of not worrying about things you can't control, the past comes to mind with this one, and fixing what you can control.

Well I got 3 things bothering me that are leading to this self loathing. I am quite a hypocrite and an unlikeable person. If a normal person were to observe me and hear my struggles, they wouldn't pity me because all these things are my fault, which they are. So I gotta just focus on the future and fix them. Currently I am doing my best to do this, but I can't let go of the past.

For one I am very disappointed in myself for not being more social at work or school. I keep in touch with none of my few college connections except for 1, and none of my work connections expect for 1. As you can imagine, my life is pretty lonely. To remedy this I joined a meetup and made myself a nice little dnd group who I DM for. I just got a really nice architecture job and the opportunity to practice being more social will present itself there I'm sure.

Secondly, I feel really insecure and guilty for how I may have treated my partner in the past. I wouldn't quite call myself a controlling or abusive partner at all. We don't really fight, we've annoyed each other and when that happens, the other usually backs off and says sorry pretty quickly, but im upset at myself for getting annoyed more times than him about stupid ****. And then my change of mind and trying to remedy it probably makes me look hypocritical. For example I used to get annoyed when he would constantly be on his phone when we went out. I never yelled at him for doing this, didn't go on about it nagging him, but I can think of maybe once or twice where I said "you should get off your phone". It's a stupid thing to nag about in this current time, or getting annoyed at his polyamory jokes because sometimes I think he's being serious and I can't tell, but I know he wouldn't cheat. I used to just say "aw don't joke about that" but now I just try to go along with it and make jokes back. I'm afraid this is hypocritical. He never mentions these past times but I'm afraid I'm too naggy of a partner. I mean he's kind of a troll, but im the exact same way so I shouldn't get annoyed at any of his jokes. We usually have an awesome time together and appear to be in love, but I think there's been a few too many times I've snapped at him. He always says sorry and it's fixed within a matter of minutes, but who wants a partner that snaps at them at all? It's the result of insecurity really. I'm afraid he will think he's a bad bf so I try to tell him I love him and compliment him often.

Thirdly I am very upset at myself for complaining about being broke but then spending money. Lots of it is necessary as I've just moved out, but I will admit I get fast food too much and I've spent money on things I didn't need like a new guitar strap or some paint. It makes me very angry at myself. Currently I'm online about to set up listings for things I don't use such as my nintendo switch and games.

I am afraid of slipping into my old ways. I'm very mad at my hypocritical nature and even though I'm trying to do things right now to fix all this, I can't seem to let go of my self hatred for how I have been. It could be worse, but I Currently find myself kind of a social failure. I have a few friend groups yes, but most nights im alone in my apartment and only occasionally hang out with people one on one besides my bf. Anything else is group activities and maybe the 3 or so friends I see occasionally. And it's my fault. I can't get over how unlikeable these qualities are, but that's not stoic thinking at all. I used to be quite the stoic person actually. I'm 24, I have a great new job, a nice apartment where I live by myself, a loving partner, and a group of friends I can finally dm for. I should be more grateful and out enjoying life, but I am overcome by emotions
 

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Sounds to me like you're being way too hard on yourself. Also, a bit of nagging never hurt anyone - that's not the end of the world.

You sound like you're doing pretty well to me - got your own place, a good job, nice boyfriend, a few friends?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Sounds to me like you're being way too hard on yourself. Also, a bit of nagging never hurt anyone - that's not the end of the world.

You sound like you're doing pretty well to me - got your own place, a good job, nice boyfriend, a few friends?
Yes, I wrote this in a time of weakness. I mean, I really need to work on the money thing, but I guess I'm not too bad off
 
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