Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
176 Posts
I have the distinct impression she's going to be offended.[/QUOTE said:
And I have the distinct impression that she has used tactics like this over the years to manipulate you and others to prop herself up, at your expense. I hope you consider reading something about surviving emotionally unstable parents, maybe something be Caroline Myss. It's your life, not hers.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
176 Posts
Oh, and by the way, before anyone suggests it, I owe nothing to her. I'm sorry, but I don't. When I was growing up, she was never around. It was typical for me to see her less than 5 times a year. And she didn't live far away. She never gave any money to help out. She'd almost never call. In fact, when I'd see her, she'd always tell me to call her more often. As if that's my job! And what was stopping her? Not a lot's changed, except that now I'm hardly bothered by her absence; in fact, I'm truly grateful for it.

I don't hate her. But I don't think it's fair that I be goaded into doing something out of obligation to an absentee mother, especially when it's something that would cause me a great deal of anxiety. When I see her, I'm always nice (although my SA precludes me from being anything else most of the time), as is she. And even now, I don't like disappointing her (God knows why). I do feel guilty about this. I shouldn't, but I do. But you know what, I owe her nothing, and I'm doing nothing wrong here. Besides, if she's so self-involved that she's oblivious to the fact that this would a very stressful situation for me, then I have every right to act in my own self-interest.
Damn right. Well said. The best thing you could do is pursue a strategy of recovery and be more grown up than her, although it sounds like you already are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
928 Posts
I can say, with experience from a narcissistic mother, that I can relate to everything you said. Mothers are not perfect and I hate that everyone says 'you should respect your mother, just coz she is', if they were in my shoes they would not say that.
Yes I love my mother, but no I dont respect her. Look up : Narcissistic Mothers. Its very hard to explain to people because its not obvious to others. But I feel ya! I do.

Also having divorced parents isnt easy. My dad got married last year. I was invited, I had my dress all ready, but a week before the wedding, my dad rang to say, Im no longer invited, because.. 'she' doesnt want me there. Imagine the pain I felt then. By far one of the worst days of my life. Also because I only wanted to go because it was my dads 50th bday as well and we dont have the best of relationships.. because of the witch he married, I wanted a relationship with him so badly, that is why I wanted to be there, not because of the wedding. My sister refused to go all along because we know how manipulative that woman is. She did the right thing. Instead I got sucked in by her disgusting web of lies, yet again. I was the one who got shot down. Im still not over it. Then friday night I had to see her again for my brothers deb ball. I could of killed her for what she said to my sister.

Its funny how both my mother and my so called 'stepmum' are exactly the same.

So my family is screwed too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
928 Posts
Thanks one person who decided to respond to my thread. (Yeah, I know, I know, no one owes me anything, but **** you, I'm not in a good mood, let me vent.) But seriously, thanks. And I think you're right about my mother.

We have a weird relationship. It's not like we ever fight or anything when we actually do see each other. I mentioned that my SA precluded me from acting any other way, but even if it weren't for my SA, I do think I would feel an obligation to be polite and not disappoint her (although I can't say exactly why). Yet at the same time, I can't really say how I feel about her. She's likewise nice to me, and if you saw how she acts, you might even think we were close. Also, I can tell that she does at least in some small way care about me.

But still, she's never been there. As I said, it wasn't and still isn't uncommon for me to see her only a couple of times a year (not that I'm bothered by this any longer).

She knows nothing about me. In fact, she knows so little about me that there have been times when she's brought up some incredibly minor thing I might have said in passing literally years ago and acted as if this was some integral part of my identity. She's also mentioned things I haven't done in years and brought it up as if I still do it regularly. I imagine this was to delude others, or possibly herself as well, that she actually knew something about me.

She's been incredibly neglectful, too. To give you an idea of how neglectful: She eventually decided to home school me, and initially sent work in every couple of months, and after awhile, stopped sending in work altogether. I should also add that the reason she gave for wanting to home school me was that the high school in my area was really bad, which was true and part of the reason why I agreed to go along with this, but she home schooled my sisters as well, for whom this was a non-issue because of they weren't starting high school yet and because they eventually moved in with her where they would have had the opportunity to go to a different school. But the reason I suspect that she did this is because she wanted us to come out there and work for her. At the time, we came out there on weekends, and she and her then boyfriend made extra money delivering newspapers. She forced us to go along at help out without paying us. We had to wake up at 3:00 AM, and we'd have to sit in back of the truck and stuff newspapers and help them deliver them, usually until about 10:00 AM or so. Initially, it was just one of my sisters and I, but then after my grandmother told her that I'd be staying with her and she'd have to send the work in, she incidentally decided to home school my other sister, who was now helping with the papers in my place. So, in essence, I think she wanted cheap labor.

And most importantly, she's never made even the slightest effort to be a better mother (although it's too late now, and I'd prefer to just be left alone). I've never been anything more than an acquaintance to her (and vice versa), and befittingly, she's always treated me as an afterthought. Regardless of how nice she might be when we do see each other, or how seemingly caring she might seem, or might even genuinely be from time to time, I know where we stand.

I can't say definitively why she is the way she is, but I do have my theories. If I had to attribute her behavior to anything, I'd attribute it to the fact that she was ill equipped for the job of mother to begin with, and having us so young and not having a father figure didn't help matters. Although I wouldn't hasten to say that I'm more grown up than my mother (or anyone for that matter, hence why I childishly hold a grudge against people for not replying to my threads, even though I rarely, if ever, offer anyone else any advice when they need it), I would say that, much like me, she was probably emotionally stunted in some way, and this was probably in some part why she was never able to prioritize us. I think also because I decided to live with my grandparents early on, she never saw me as hers, and because of this, treated me as such.

Anyway, I told my grandparents I wouldn't be going with them tomorrow. My mother hasn't called yet, and hopefully she doesn't call tomorrow because I'll be hard pressed for an excuse for why I can't go. She might call afterwards, though. If so, I guess I'm stuck telling her more or less the truth (of course I won't be mentioning my SA, though). In spite of our bizarre relationship, I'd feel weird giving the standard "I wasn't feeling well" excuse. In fact, I hope my grandparents don't end up telling her that on my behalf (although it would be a relief in some ways if they did, no matter how obvious a lie it is).

OK, I've rambled on enough here. Once again, sorry for the long post which I'm sure none of you will read (not that I blame you). There must be something wrong with me to type out these absurdly long posts that I know will either get no responses or will be deleted by me out of anxiety.
Noo dont delete. I read! :) It sounds like youve had a tough upbringing, more so than me.
Even though I lived with my mother till I was about 15, she was never really 'there'. I was first born and also believe that she just wasnt prepared for me?

I can completely relate to the weird things your mother brings up from years ago and makes them out like its a big part of you. My mother does this too. But she brings up the most depressing things at inappropriate moments, like for instance, she'll suddenly bring up a physically abusive moment in my past? Like I want to remember that? Im over it, I dont even think of it anymore, until she brings it up.

I see her often, but its like she really doesnt know me at all or doesnt bother. She has no empathy, or concern for others, its all about her.

There is more, but I wont go into detail. My sister and I were trying to analize her because we felt there was something just not right about her thinking, and I found 'Narcissistic Personality' fitted her well.
It was a real eye opener. It does sound to me, like your mother is the same. But hey, I dont know her, you do.

Anyways enough of me, Im glad you have been with your grandparents most of your life!

Can you be comfortable saying to your mother that 'your just not comfortable with going?' Sometimes you have to be blunt and honest in situations like this.

Im so sorry this must be a tough thing to go through.
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top