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Discussion Starter #1
... for July 3rd or the 5th for a cookout with just my son and I here at my house.

He said a month ago he would think about it. He has SA and I know it is hard for him to come to my house. I made it for the 3rd or the 5th - his choice - so that he wouldn't have to drive on the 4th (he hates driving on holidays).

I told him that I would work within whatever boundaries he needed for him to try to learn to feel comfortable here again. It was a risk, he doesn't acknowledge SA but just says stuff makes him feel 'uncomfortable'.

He used to come over when we were first dating (almost a year ago), for the first few months... but then he started having reasons he couldn't come over, then more reasons and then he just never came over anymore (he hasn't been here since January - his birthday lunch).

He still asks me not to give up on him, on us - and says he is trying... I have to believe that. If he wanted to be gone I think he would be gone. Maybe holidays are just too much pressure or being at my house, in my environment.

What do you guys (and girls) think? Did I really mess up or was it ok to ask again? I want him to feel safe and to be happy, but, I want to be able to see him some too.

Right now we only see each other when we sit together at Church, a half hour hug after Church, and when we walk once a week. We used to see each other a lot more but his SA started getting worse and evidently I was what was causing it - unbeknownst to me at the time because I didn't even know SA existed.

Now I am having to be patient as he works his way back from his fear. Any advice is helpful.

Thanks

caflme
 

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I know this may be hard but I think you should try to convince him to acknowledge his Social Anxiety. Do you have social anxiety? Probably, because you are on this forum. I don't see how you could be causing it unless you are thrusting him into social situations he isn't ready for and evidently you are not.

I also think you should try and 'teach' him about SA. He says things just make him uncomfortable but only in telling him about SA would he be able to identify with it and put a face to a name.

I'm hoping I make sense. I'm trying to give more advice around here but my advice has a tendency to be crummy. Hope I helped though.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
No, I actually may have done just what you advise... not sure how he will take it but I told him I met a really nice girl online and we have been talking... he asked what website it was and I gave him the www - so - not sure how he will come here or not.

Your advice was good... not crummy at all - thank you.

Anyway, he declined to come over on either the 3rd or the 5th... I expected that to be his answer. I know how horrible it makes him feel but there is nothing I can do. His comment was, I'm sorry I let you down again... that just breaks my heart... I don't want him to feel this way - ever. I don't want to be the one causing him hurt or uncomfortable feelings - so I just back off again and wait.

Thanks for the response - it helps,

caflme
 

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i think i might have something to suggest, why dont you start pointing out the things you like about him, adore him some more, be flirtatious,...he wants to feel like the man around you, if your not doing this enough maybe this has soemthing to do with it, maybe perhaps he thinks he's not good enough for you? some kind of lingering insecurity is there and its why he's acting weird...if so, he knows exactly what it is and he is scared to talk about it

if your bf is not around you much its probably 3 things, he's seing someone else...he's tired of you or he has something on his chest that he needs to get out but is too scared to talk about it with you..from what your saying, im guessing its the 3rd one lol

thats just my 2 cents about it all, hope you dont mind.
 

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Coming over to your house isn't just coming over to your house. It's getting out the door, getting in the car, driving the long drive, and then being somewhere he's uncomfortable. Having your son there puts extra pressure on him to play a "dad" role if even for a short time.

I sugges you go to him. Over to bring the food over to his place, try to go to his place more often. Get a sitter when you can (unless he enjoys your son). It sounds like hes comfortable with you when he's in the routine (church, walks, etc.). His house is his routine, get him comfortable with you there and I think you will be able to spend more time together and eventually you may be able to bring him back out into the world again.

I also want to say what an incredible woman you must be to stay with a guy with such debilitating SA for so long. In this society so much of the pressure is on the guy to do things, to plan dates and make moves and whatnot. Part of his anxiety by the way may be that he cannot feel like a man because he can't do these things. Anyway, I just think you must have incredible strength and great love for him to be able to sustain a relationship like that.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
You guys rock... thank you so much... for all of your advice.

I do almost all of the things you suggest and I think to do much more would come across as patronizing, or desperate, and I don't want to do that either... he is all man, all the time... I am his woman and I do flirt - trust me ;-)

He knows how attracted I am to him and how much I love him and most importantly how much I respect him. I think the problem lies in how he feels about himself. You can't force someone to see all of their amazing qualities if they are blind to them or are afraid to even hope they could be true for fear of being wrong.

I point them out ever single chance I get. I gave him my list that is 50 things I love and respect about you. I got some validation last night when he told me in an email that he really hoped I wasn't mad at him for disappointing me again (about not coming over for the 4th)... it simultaneously broke my heart and gave me great hope.... I don't want him to ever feel like he disappoints me... I don't want him to feel that, but the fact that he does and that he even worries that I would be mad at him means, to me, that he cares... that he doesn't want me to be disappointed, that he can't help it, that was affirming in so many ways for me. I slept better than I have in weeks.

I think it isn't about him coming over here to my place, it is about knowing that he values what we have and doesn't want to lose it any more than I do. He is trying and he is a good man. I love and respect him in ways I never thought possible and continue to pray for the day that he can accept and revel in those feelings and find joy in them and in us. For now I have to let him figure this out... there is no anger, no real disappointment now... just love and an ever growing patience. All I need to know is that he is trying, that he wants to keep trying and that he doesn't want me to leave.

Thanks for everything,

caflme
 

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Discussion Starter #8
He tells me when I can be with him in his routine at his house... I am there as much as I can be... every chance he gives me. I can't force him to let me be there more... it has to be what it can be for now. But that is good advice, I used to cook for him more but then my job and school and parenting got a lot busier and I stopped cooking. Maybe I need to go back to doing that - you know what they say about 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach lol.'

But as far as being there more... I don't want it to be something else he has to say no to me about and feel bad about if I ask so I wait for him to offer. I will try the food thing though.

Thank you so much for your support.

caflme
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Nope... not that I know of... he is just trying to figure it all out. He will figure it out eventually... I can't force him... he will know what to do in time, I just have to have Faith and trust him. He may choose to not be with me, it may just be too hard for him... that will hurt. In the meantime, I'm being patient and loving him the best I can till it is either over or he works his way to a better place for himself and for us.

caflme
 

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Break up with him.


just kidding. Though that's what I would do.


Everyone else's advice is probably more sensible.
 

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Hey, I was wondering if you got my last message?
How's it all going?

Best of luck.
 

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In the same boat

Hi, I'm in love with a man who has SA and He is housebound now. I need some advice on how to be in this relationship. We mostly communicate through emails.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
hysteric -

No, I didn't get your last message - I don't think... nothing new has come through. I was concerned and hoping you were o.k. I just figured you hit a speed bump and needed time to get past it. I'm glad you posted to me. I've missed your messages.


tbutterfly -

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and he has SA - he isn't totally housebound but being with me in most situations is not doable for him right now. It is really hard, but for me the advantages still outweigh the disadvantages... and his pros far outweigh his cons... I am committed and not giving up until I know that he has given up. Good Luck... I am hear searching for advice and people that understand and don't think I am crazy for loving him or for staying.

hiimnotcool -

I know what you meant... it is hard, most people tell me to dump him. I am just in love, stubborn to a fault and loyal... once my heart is committed my mind, body and soul follow. My life is real busy... I wonder sometimes if he didn't have SA if things would even work with us and that is scary. I mean, would he be upset all the time because I don't have enough time to spend with him, would he want to talk about feelings all the time... I fell in love with a man with SA... the traits of SA are part of who he is and I love who he is. I mean if the symptoms lessen then it would be easier because I could see him more but if he were just like everyone else - would he be the same man I fell so deeply and completely in love with?

caflme
 

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hysteric -

No, I didn't get your last message - I don't think... nothing new has come through. I was concerned and hoping you were o.k. I just figured you hit a speed bump and needed time to get past it. I'm glad you posted to me. I've missed your messages.
Oh, I did sent another 2 part ridiculously long one back on sunday. Hm, I shall send it again and see if it works this time? :)
 

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I just re-sent them. Let me know if you got them :)
 

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Discussion Starter #19
That is funny I was answering it when you sent it through again... I had gotten it but thought I had answered it but I hadn't evidently - how strange. Sorry
 

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That is funny I was answering it when you sent it through again... I had gotten it but thought I had answered it but I hadn't evidently - how strange. Sorry
No problem. :)

Mind if I reply tomorrow sometime, I've got an early start tomorrow and I can feel another long reply coming on, lol (as per usual :))

Speak to you soon.
 
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