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MKarlie
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of trying. It's like my whole life has been a torture chamber, everything has been designed to make me as miserable as possible. To be honest I'm amazed I haven't ended my own life yet. Anyone else probably would have, or at least be severely depressed and starting to get the urge. I'll try and give a brief summary of my life.

I've never had friends. Never. That's not an exaggeration. Perhaps I had playmates when I was around 6 years old but those memories have pretty much faded now. School was horrible for me. I wasn't bullied in any sense. I was completely ignored. I think being ignored in some ways is worse than being bulled, at least if someone is calling you names they are acknowledging you. I spent seven years at high school, and I barely interacted with anyone in my year. Whenever I was assigned a group task no one made eye contact with me, they organised everything between themselves and left me out. I tried to contribute as well, don't think I just sat there being quiet, my thoughts were just dismissed instantly.

After three years of isolation I started growing my hair quite long, so I could hide my face. At lunch I would sit in a music practice room by myself and have lunch. I had a phone but my only contacts were my Mum and Dad. This went on for another 3 years.

Before my last year I decided I'd get a haircut, join a gym. Try and feel better about myself. Try one last time to make friends. I was 18 at this point. There were many new students coming in and I wanted to make a good impression on them. The first thing that happened is most people I'd shared a class with for 6 years thought I was a new student, which made me feel sick with misery. I think this made me so miserable I didn't reach out to the new students at all.

Now we're in the present, I'm 19 years old. I joined university with the same high hopes for finally making friends, but no. I share a house with five people, they invited me out with them at first, but soon stopped. I'm unable to relate to anyone my age now, because I've had such a different childhood. The people my age at university are always using their phones, using facebook, talking to their old friends. Hanging out with their boyfriends and girlfriends. I have nothing.

I'm on holiday at the moment, my parents have been worrying that I don't seem to be talking to anyone or going out anywhere. My brother is the exact opposite of me, which makes things worse. He goes out every couple of days to parties, hanging with friends. He insults me on a regular basis, tells me I'm weird. Tells me I'm ugly a lot as well. I just feel like ****. : I've been trying so hard to fight against all of this **** that's going on around me, but now I just want to give up, go to sleep.
 

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Man, Mokoman. I don't know if I've ever felt as badly as you seem to be feeling right now, but I do want you to know there is hope. There must be something for everyone, and 19 is very young to feel that there is nothing for you.

What is it that you like to do? Do you enjoy reading, writing, playing or listening to music, drawing, cooking, learning about different things, watching movies, taking walks?

Ultimately, we never grow up until we live our own life regardless of how the world sees us, or how we think it sees us. When all is said and done, whatever we do in life only has to make sense to we ourselves. I know this is a lot easier to say than it is to do, but it must be true.

There is something within you that only you know, and only you can express. And it's a good something, not bad. Within you lies the answer of how you can make a small corner of the world better because of who you are at the deepest level, at a level that has nothing to do with current or past circumstances.

As one fellow human being who has also been lost, I wish you all the best, and hope you will search within to find the peace that you seek, which is your birthright to discover, experience and ultimately share.

All inner searches can be lonely and scary at times, but they are always rewarding. Dive deep, take heart, and keep going! You will either find the answer or it will find you. Please feel free to message me if you want to vent about things.
 

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Can I challenge you for a sec? You say that you're tired of trying, but what have you tried so far? I say this from the perspective of someone who has felt sorry for herself for years about the sad state of her social situation but spent more time dawdling on this than actually getting out there and challenging herself socially and accumulating failed/successful experiences. The more I am trying, the better it gets. And dude, don't get me wrong -- it is waaay hard --- but it gets better. Because not everybody thinks you're a loser. I promise.
 

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Well, my typical advice is to make the necessary changes. It's hard, I know, I'm trying to make them as well, although my problems are different than yours.

Like Bruised said, you're young, it's definitely possible. The older you get, the harder it gets, so start now. I remember a nerdy kid in high school, kind of weird looking face, who made this amazing transformation from a shy wimpy kid to a bulky smart dude with insane confidence. I don't know exactly what inspired him, but it was damn impressive to see. He went from shying away from girls to being surrounded by them. Just make the changes and be persistent until you get the results.
 

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Only 19, I feel for you but don't give up. The only way to make any progress in this world is total and complete persistence. I failed so many times over and over again but would not be denied what I wanted. Not saying that since I did something everyone can but you get what I mean. It took so many rejections over the years but I just refused to quit. To this day I have things(health problems) that are horrible but I still won't give up and it really is hard as hell but the successes do come. Sometimes people can fail countless times and be right on the verge of giving up and then it happens, the door opens.

You're a young guy and I know it hurts like hell to be alone and feel like an outcast but it's way too early in the game to give up on yourself!
 

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MKarlie
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276 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Can I challenge you for a sec? You say that you're tired of trying, but what have you tried so far? I say this from the perspective of someone who has felt sorry for herself for years about the sad state of her social situation but spent more time dawdling on this than actually getting out there and challenging herself socially and accumulating failed/successful experiences. The more I am trying, the better it gets. And dude, don't get me wrong -- it is waaay hard --- but it gets better. Because not everybody thinks you're a loser. I promise.
I have tried quite a lot, but the thing is when I try talking to people I become someone I'm not. It's hard to explain. I start pretending like I'm some confident happy person, and usually it works really well. I just can't maintain the act though and eventually people get bored of me and stop talking to me. I've joined a lot of clubs I like to meet new people, and I try to, I'm just so bad at socialising it's horrific. Awkward silences all the time. I'm not really into celebrities or the news, so can never contribute to conversations like that. I've tried researching loads of information to get more knowledgeable but it just slips right through my mind, I'm usually very miserable and it's just hard for me to remember things. I also have trouble concentrating, I'm under stress nearly all the time.

I've been told to just be myself and people will accept me for who I am. The problem with that is if I be myself I'll probably want to go and hide away somewhere and never talk to anyone again.

The societies I have joined are skydiving, tennis, the gym and an orchestra (I play piano). To be honest I'm quite confident generally, it's just I've had so many issues with making friends I'm ridiculously bad at socialising. I have the confidence to approach people, and they tend to realise after a while I'm a bit eccentric. One girl asked me, and I quote, 'why are you so strange?' In a really menacing way. I just feel like giving up to be honest.
 

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MKarlie
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276 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thats really young. It takes a lot of time to transition into a less shy person especially if you've always been like that and your behavior is not changing much, that could take a lot of time. I'm curious what your family life was like because you described your life as a torture chamber. Being friendless wasn't my only problem, and neither was verbal abuse from my sibling. The vibe in our house was usually dysfunctional and unloving (lots of verbal abuse and arguments), and that was more of a concern to me than my lack of friends. I think our family dynamics, whether dysfunctional or not, plays a significant role in shaping our social lives. Even though I was a very shy child, I think if I had the same genetics but was adopted at birth into a more social family that encouraged me to make friends, it'd be a different story.
Honestly my family life was good. The problem is all my family are extroverted, (I'm literally the only introvert in my entire family). So from an early age my parents were worrying that I wasn't getting invited to parties and sleepover's and things. I had Facebook but literally had no friends, I removed it a short while later. My Dad always used to tease me, asking if I fancied any girls. Truth is I was and still am too miserable to even be attracted to anyone. Now I'm older my Dad occasionally gets really angry with me for not doing anything with anyone, and forces me out of the house. Usually I'll just walk around my home town for a bit then. I often hear my Mum complaining on the phone to other relatives that my behaviour isn't normal, which makes me quite sad. My brother has pretty much lived the life I would like, he has a large group of friends. He gets invited places literally every day. He goes to the cinema, goes shopping with friends, goes on lads holidays, or the pub. I've never done any of that. And it makes it really hard to connect with people because I literally have no experience with having friends, or talking to people in general. I often don't know what to say in conversations, or mumble and have people ask me to repeat, which I hate. I get told I'm quiet, which angers me. I'm only quiet because I don't know what to say. I also have this overwhelming feeling that I'll be rejected like I did throughout my childhood, this sometimes drives me away from people.
 

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MKarlie
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276 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Only 19, I feel for you but don't give up. The only way to make any progress in this world is total and complete persistence. I failed so many times over and over again but would not be denied what I wanted. Not saying that since I did something everyone can but you get what I mean. It took so many rejections over the years but I just refused to quit. To this day I have things(health problems) that are horrible but I still won't give up and it really is hard as hell but the successes do come. Sometimes people can fail countless times and be right on the verge of giving up and then it happens, the door opens.

You're a young guy and I know it hurts like hell to be alone and feel like an outcast but it's way too early in the game to give up on yourself!
That's something I haven't mentioned actually, regarding health problems. For three years my left eye was completely red, and doctors couldn't figure out why. This made my confidence plummet to zero during that time. I didn't like making eye contact. People always stared at it. It was horrible as I'm self conscious as it is. A couple of weeks ago actually it was finally cured. The reason it was red is because I had a bloody rock in my eye, god knows how that happened. And I'm surprised I never felt it. But yeah, health problems have affected me quite a lot.
 

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I can relate to what you are going through. I'm 29 years old, will be turning 30 in a week's time and instead of looking forward to my birthday i dread it because of SAD. I also can't relate to most people my age. I luckily have a good job, but it's something I don't like because I can't relate to all my colleagues.

What I've realized is that people like us have to find something that we can do and be leaders in. Someone like Bill Gates for example would never succeed if he was working for Donald Trump, Donald is too macho and would have called Bill gates weird and all sorts of names. We just have to find something that we can do and excel at and then live our lives in our own terms, not on some people's terms. You should find something different that only you yourself can do and live your own life and forget other people's lives, most people are followers, including your brother (sorry to say). You are special and have a lot to offer the world.

Good luck!
 

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I can relate to what you are going through, I was mainly ignored all through school, if I ever even got the slightest bit of wind that I had a friend they immediately left, mainly because I think they just got bored or never cared in the first place. Good on you though, you do have some aspiration to like yourself and are doing something(i.e. going to the gym). It sucks when things aren't working out. I really can't say I know there is hope out there, from what other people say, there is. Me, I haven't really found it yet so I don't know. As for being called names like "weird" because you don't go out, screw em', you seem really nice and like you have been through a lot. If you ever need to chat don't hesitate to message me eh?
 
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