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wtf
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Shy people focus too much on extremely outgoing, aggressive people

I discovered this myself from my own personal experiences (and recently found an article to verify this) that I used to focus too much on the behavior of the most outgoing person in a crowd. I assumed that in order to be social, I had to imitate his/her behavior. At the same time, I was ignoring the fact that MOST people in the crowd were actually quiet or blended in with the conversation without standing out too much. In fact, the more aggressive people are usually the ones that are not necessarily considered to be very socially adept.

Self-consciously focused on their own shortcomings, they fail to look around and notice that most people are just like them -- listeners, not social standouts. Our surveys show that 48% of people are shy. So not only are the shy not alone, they probably have plenty of company at any social function.

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Good conversationalists make comments that are connected to what is said to them and to the social situation. The connectedness of their communication is, in fact, one of its most outstanding features. Aggressive people actually make more attempts to join others in conversation but are less successful at it than the socially adept because they call attention to themselves, rather than finding a way to fit into ongoing group activity. They might throw out a statement that disrupts the conversation, or respond contentiously to a question. They might blurt something about the way they feel, or shift the conversation to something of interest exclusively to themselves.

"You don't have to be interesting. You have to be interested,"
The above statements came from pages 2 and 5 of the following article in Psychology Today:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200001/shyness-the-new-solution?page=2
 

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Thanks for sharing the link.

That was a big discovery for me, especially having a father who is generally the most outgoing person in any given social situation. It was such a relief to finally feel (and not just rational recognize) that I don't need to be that
 

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That is an interesting discovery. I am not sure if it is true in my situation, though. Then again, I am not sure if it is not true either. I am left wondering about the cases where I feel intense social isolation when amongst people is due to concentrating on the most outgoing. It is something I will have to keep in mind and observe in future situations. If anything, this will make me be more observant about my own behaviour and figure out why I feel, think, and act the way I do.
 

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I think it depends on the type of crowd. In some groups, everyone shouts over each other and interrupts, and that's just normal.
 

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This is partially true for me. I don't feel the need to imitate them, but often feel intimidated or inferior to them which makes me very anxious. I like quiet and/or easygoing types.
 

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This is so true. But I find shy people and outgoing people can be mutually beneficial for each other, because the outgoing one needs an audience, and the shy one is just grateful that they don't have to say anything except "Yeah" and "Really? Tell me more..." LOL
 

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Dude
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"they might blurt something about the way they feel"

It's good to state your opinion on something when responding right? This quote just means at the wrong time or obstructively?
 

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breaking free
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Interesting article. It does make more sense that going with the flow of the conversation would be more sucessful than trying to change the conversation.
 

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sa challenger
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"You don't have to be interesting. You have to be interested,"


THIS is the key to all communication!
 

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Finding my way
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"You don't have to be interesting. You have to be interested,"

THIS is the key to all communication!
Very true. If I had to choose between one or the other I'd pick being a good listener over being a good talker. Remember, 70% of the population are extraverts so it could be said that shy people are in demand.
 

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Shy people are in demand, they usually get stuck with the boring person who won't stop talking. At first I would be happy someone talked to me, then would wonder how to shake off the person (in a nice way ) who monopolizing on all my time. I also noticed that in the past I would focus on the most extroverted one because I guess I believed if that person accepted me (the leader) as part of the group then the rest would (the followers). Over time I realized that the nicest people were the quieter and more sincere ones, not the loud person's phoney clique. I call them phoney because if the leader signals someone is 'out' and unaccepted in the clique, then they don't use their own minds to decide independently, they won't associate with those that are 'out'
 
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