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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been thinking and what I came up with is that one of the main reasons I've been so down and depressed is because I keep trying to figure out how to "be like them." How to become the life of the party instead of "oh, that guy" and other social techniques.

But then I realized maybe the reason I'm not good at large social gatherings is just because I don't really LIKE to talk unless I truly have something to say. I'm just naturally a quiet and peaceful person (except when I mentally beat myself up) and I think 90% of small talk just gets on my nerves. Like what's your point buddy? I wish all conversations could be straight to the heart, like "Hi, I'm Jonny. I think you're an awesome person." But no, you have to have the BS in there: "Sooo, nice weather, huh?" Who gives a damn about the weather?!

Maybe I (and people like me) aren't supposed to be super-socials and have other, more important purposes that we're just not seeing right now. Maybe the whole "purpose" of us having SA is to find other people with SA so we can be like "Yeah, I get you."

I dunno.
 

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thoughts are just thought
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none of use are spectators in life, we are all participants.

You can talk about whatever you want to talk about with who ever you want to talk with. Someone says "how about the whether" you can tell change the subject into a debate on the meaning of life, or an in depth discussion on the other persons hopes and dreams.

If you did that you would be seen as an interesting, fascinating person. So if that's what you want to do, good for you. :clap

However if what you are REALLY doing, is that SA thing where you try to justify your quiet nature as "introspective" rather than introverted, I am going to ask you to stop right now, because I am calling everyone out on their bull **** from now on.

There is nothing wrong with being a quite person if that is your true nature. The problem is if you have SA you don't know what your true nature is, because you are anxiety even when you WANT to talk.
 

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I feel like this, I'm a naturally quiet person and feel like I should accept that I will never be the life of the party. At the same time though I want to be able to speak my mind when I want/need to so I'm working to improve my social skills. This is why I love this site because everyone here gets you, atleast the SA part of you.
 

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I accept I'm different, it everybody else that doesn't.
Yeah I'm introverted and quiet as a handful of people are. And? So? Your point?
Someone whereI've just started working was giving a reference for someone else over the phone today and said yeah she's great, she's this she's that, BUT she's a bit quiet. Like, why's he saying that like it's such a negative?! And actually the girl he was talking about wasn't that quiet AT ALL. Oh he's going to LOVE me...
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
none of use are spectators in life, we are all participants.

You can talk about whatever you want to talk about with who ever you want to talk with. Someone says "how about the whether" you can tell change the subject into a debate on the meaning of life, or an in depth discussion on the other persons hopes and dreams.

If you did that you would be seen as an interesting, fascinating person. So if that's what you want to do, good for you. :clap

However if what you are REALLY doing, is that SA thing where you try to justify your quiet nature as "introspective" rather than introverted, I am going to ask you to stop right now, because I am calling everyone out on their bull **** from now on.

There is nothing wrong with being a quite person if that is your true nature. The problem is if you have SA you don't know what your true nature is, because you are anxiety even when you WANT to talk.
I f*cking love this post. You're 100% right about the justifying my nature thing. I do this all time and I thank you for calling me out on my BS. Anyway, how's the weather where you're from? lol.

Edit: I felt the need to add to this. You just made my day by calling me out on this one. I love the "you can talk to anyone about anything" part the most. I never looked at it that way. I guess I always just tell myself I'm not good enough or don't deserve to talk to someone I didn't know without a reason. You're awesome.
 

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If you're a naturally quiet and peaceful person then it shouldn't be a problem. If you want to talk but are too afraid because of the anxiety then it is a problem.

You are different. As am I. Everyone is different in different ways. But you may not see or understand their differences in the same way that they may not see or understand yours. For example, I actually do give a damn about the weather.

No need to 'be like them' really. That does not, however, help with an irrational fear ;)
 

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I don't mind being different. In fact, I love being different. I don't want to change my personality at all. SA is a different story.
 

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none of use are spectators in life, we are all participants.

You can talk about whatever you want to talk about with who ever you want to talk with. Someone says "how about the whether" you can tell change the subject into a debate on the meaning of life, or an in depth discussion on the other persons hopes and dreams.

If you did that you would be seen as an interesting, fascinating person. So if that's what you want to do, good for you. :clap

However if what you are REALLY doing, is that SA thing where you try to justify your quiet nature as "introspective" rather than introverted, I am going to ask you to stop right now, because I am calling everyone out on their bull **** from now on.

There is nothing wrong with being a quite person if that is your true nature. The problem is if you have SA you don't know what your true nature is, because you are anxiety even when you WANT to talk.
I agree with the Op completely. I think most extroverts are irritating because they have this built in need to connect by whatever means necessary. I know what interests me. I know when I switch off completely. A lot of people do talk a lot of rubbish to no end for hours and if you do interrupt them(as I would do frequently here on this very chatroom), it's rare anyone engages you for your trouble. When they did it gave me hope. Then again, who really knows what interesting is? Perhaps I don't have any monopoly over it lol. Perhaps you're right and I partially agree with you, life is in our hands to find our interest though I don't think everyone gives a damn for someone who wants to change the subject. I have social anxiety because it would be ridiculously egocentric to presume the whole of society were a bunch of gossippers. Then again, I like to think if people said what really mattered outright I know I'd feel at home lol. I come to life when someone cares about what they say. I know interesting or deeeeep aren't categories in themselves or it would be too contrived and that too, is irritating. Life isn't a play, I know that; but if you're disinclined to act on what you feel, you could at least imagine. Imagination is what it is I think, imagination and optimism combined. Engaging with what I consider gossip is even more lonely than being utterly alone, because when people aren't speaking your language, that isn't neutral or hopeful, that's the the movement of glibness growing wings infront of your eyes.

That's my experience though and I could have made a mistake.
 

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If you're a naturally quiet and peaceful person then it shouldn't be a problem. If you want to talk but are too afraid because of the anxiety then it is a problem.

You are different. As am I. Everyone is different in different ways. But you may not see or understand their differences in the same way that they may not see or understand yours. For example, I actually do give a damn about the weather.

No need to 'be like them' really. That does not, however, help with an irrational fear ;)
Could you talk about the weather in great depth though?:teeth Just the weather in the absract as in "This is a dot >.?" What do you know about this dot?" "I know it is a dot." "But tomorrow it I hear it's going to be near as dammit a dot, the same as today." Well, it's been a dot like that for some time now." "YEeesss."

Some other bloke: "Dot, hah, you know what, that sounds rude!"

"dot, ha!"

Some other bloke: "It does doesn't it"

"But why?"

"It just... duuuuuzzzzzz."

In truth, aesthetic appreciation for the dot aside, what I think people care about is to know who they could trust with the most of themselves. If tomorrow any of those people would take a bullet for the dot, I'd kiss their feet as individuals; if they wouldn't, they're as good as dead and that shouldn't be kept a secret from them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I agree with the Op completely. I think most extroverts are irritating because they have this built in need to connect by whatever means necessary.
This is how I feel too. Like they just talk about random and pointless topics just for the sake of talking. But like someone said up there ^^^ that you responded to, you can always change the topic.

I find that interesting but I don't know how it would be applicable in real life. Like you can't start a conversation with "You know, I like to play cards, what about you?" because it would feel weird. So i don't know.
 

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There's a difference between being introverted and having SA. Being alone doesn't bother me, and I can only deal with people for so long before I get exhausted. That's me being introverted. However, I can't get a job because I'm too terrified to even ask for an application. I can't answer the phone unless I know for sure it's for me. That's all because of my SA.

There's a huge difference between not wanting to socialize and not being able to. It's fine if you're just not interested in talking with other people, but it becomes a problem when you can't. I don't want to be an outgoing, life-of-the-party person, but I would like to at least like to have the option of going to the party without being overcome with anxiety.
 

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thoughts are just thought
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I f*cking love this post. You're 100% right about the justifying my nature thing. I do this all time and I thank you for calling me out on my BS. Anyway, how's the weather where you're from? lol.

Edit: I felt the need to add to this. You just made my day by calling me out on this one. I love the "you can talk to anyone about anything" part the most. I never looked at it that way. I guess I always just tell myself I'm not good enough or don't deserve to talk to someone I didn't know without a reason. You're awesome.
I'm glad what I said could help you. Don't feel bad, 99% of my post are as much me telling myself what I should do (but don't do nearly enough). Everything you have said, i have said, but I realize I say a lot of it justify not doing more.

I don't know if I am outgoing or natural shy, probably closer to the later. But what I do know is there were two cute girls who I saw today that I wish I would have at least tried talking to, but I was scared. That's not quite nature... that's being scared. The first step to fighting that is admitting what is really going on with me.

A lot of SA people do this "we're introvert and we're proud" stuff, and that's great if true, but as said above introvert and SA are too different things. If you are on this site because of SA then you need to beat SA before you really know if you are introvert. Hiding behind introvertness as a way of avoiding fighting SA is a cop out, one I am guilty have, but I am calling myself on it, and I am going to call others on it when I see it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I'm glad what I said could help you. Don't feel bad, 99% of my post are as much me telling myself what I should do (but don't do nearly enough). Everything you have said, i have said, but I realize I say a lot of it justify not doing more.

I don't know if I am outgoing or natural shy, probably closer to the later. But what I do know is there were two cute girls who I saw today that I wish I would have at least tried talking to, but I was scared. That's not quite nature... that's being scared. The first step to fighting that is admitting what is really going on with me.

A lot of SA people do this "we're introvert and we're proud" stuff, and that's great if true, but as said above introvert and SA are too different things. If you are on this site because of SA then you need to beat SA before you really know if you are introvert. Hiding behind introvertness as a way of avoiding fighting SA is a cop out, one I am guilty have, but I am calling myself on it, and I am going to call others on it when I see it.
You know what, I'm with you on that one. I actually don't know if I'm an introvert or just have SA. I mean, I used to have friends (and they were even the cool, jocky type) and people used to think I was awesome. But somewhere down the line that went away and I don't know why. That's probably the only reason I'm on this site, just looking for answers.
 

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Some people are happy being introverts and really don't care about making lots of friends and are not particularly concerned about the "norms" of the social world around them. My parents are like this. They are never upset about what people say about them or how they are treated by people. They don't complain when they are called quiet. Instead they own it and are proud of it.

The problem is some people are not so simple that they fall neatly into the "extrovert/introvert" boxes. They want to be with friends half the time and be by themselves the other half. They want to express themselves and be part of the world without being total conformist followers. They want respect and influence and engagement without total compromise. If we all secretly just wanted to be left alone why would we be upset about seeing others out with friends and think "I can't do that." I think the problem lies with being raised to think you have to choose (and putting too much stock in the opinions of others). From birth til death we are told who we are by people that don't know us. Why should we listen? Decide what you want and go for it and if it doesn’t work out don’t be too hard on yourself. To the OP I think you can be deep and appreciate small talk. It’s just a way to break the ice. I wouldn’t give up on becoming more outgoing and making more friends just because it seems tough or it is difficult for you. (if that is what you want) I know I deserve to have friends and a social life without totally compromising myself. Once you figure out what you want things will get clearer.
 

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This is how I feel too. Like they just talk about random and pointless topics just for the sake of talking. But like someone said up there ^^^ that you responded to, you can always change the topic.

I find that interesting but I don't know how it would be applicable in real life. Like you can't start a conversation with "You know, I like to play cards, what about you?" because it would feel weird. So i don't know.
Maybe we should. Maybe we shouldn't expect to be able to talk to people at all. I know of someone who would literally turn his back on people who made idle chitchat with him, I admire him for that, he sounded hillarious.

Life today so intrinsically caught up in pragmatism, we become blinded to it's true purpose which is to let someone else know you are alive and know too. So speak coldly into the dark.
 

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nascentes morimur
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I've already accepted that i'm much different from other people and I don't bother hiding my personality any more. I just give them what I am and that's really it.
 

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HeavyDirtySøul
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Thats exactly like me, OP. I HATE small talk. Alot. Id rather talk about interesting deeper topics, and I tend to scare people away because I skip over the "weather". I havent accepted being different though, I want to be normal. :(
 

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Freedom is lurking
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This has been on my mind for a few days now. When I was younger I wanted to grow to be 1.90m tall. Turns out I didn't, I just wasn't built for it. But I don't lose any sleep over it whatsoever, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Thing is, what if the ability to socialize works the same way? What if you're just not built for it? Because if that's the case, wanting to be "normal" is as absurd as wanting to be 1.90m tall after you've stopped growing. It's just that, while I'm sure I won't grow any taller anymore, I can't be sure that I just don't have it in me to make close friends. That uncertainty is what bothers me.
 

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I'm scared of small talk, but only because I'm insecure. Because of the natural progression of it, if something very social comes up, and I don't know what to say or "never heard of it", I'm in trouble...

"You don't know who Keyra is??"
 
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