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My Social Anxiety struck me as huge, unpleasant surprise.
I spent my childhood as fairly low key, low stress kid. Most of my emotional displays were quite muted relative to other children that age, which is not saying much. Even as my family moved around I was less adventurous than others and always had a much smaller circle of friends. I was different -in several substantive ways- but never in a way that I thought was inherently detrimental. In point of fact my best friend from elementary school developed low self esteem and became sad about what other classmates thought about him. I did my best at the time to empathize but I couldn't sympathize because I found the views of most other people to be irrelevant, if I bothered to notice them at all.
Now almost a decade later I come to find that if things have not been "exactly" reversed then the tables have at least been turned. My friend is quite popular and social concerns are for him a matter of excessive options. I on the other hand have experienced decidedly less personal growth in this department. I have long since fallen out of touch with all of my friends and either they or I have moved away from one another excepting my old best mate from elementary school who I still know as a friend.
My personal history causes chagrin but its not why I'm posting. At my friend's seventeenth birthday party a huge number of people invited themselves, on the order of 200 or so. The Circumstances are irrelevant, what shocked me was the anxiety that clamped down on me like an oversmall torso shackle. I couldn't start a conversation, or make eye contact, I couldn't stand or sit with confidence or ease. My identity as a social individual just evaporated. Anytime I thought to start a conversation I became afraid, not afraid of how others might respond but of having to interact. I never new this could happen to me. What was worse is that I attempted to self medicate with alcohol hoping for a change in my personality. Not only did it have no psychological effect it had a pronounced physiological effect, I could feel my body disobeying me I could see and feel that for every three steps forward I took I shifted a foot to the right and I couldn't do anything about it. At first it was novel but it quickly became frustrating and then I realized I was trapped like this unable to move or relax with a mind full a fear and a body that wouldn't listen, frankly I was terrified.
Now I face another surprise Social Networking sites leave me feeling deeply self conscious, the few pictures I have up leave me feeling embarrassed regardless of their content. I cant escape the sense that people are balking at them privately rejecting and judging me. Whats worse is that I can get in contact with old friends and acquaintances and I feel like I don't have enough to show the time apart as though they evolved and I stood still and remained the same. At one point just visiting facebook caused me a cold sweat and a quiet dread.
If you have a had and experience similar to mine or one that you deem relevant please don't hesitate to post it here. If you've gotten over something like this or have a suggestion for how to do so please post.
I realize that many of the people here have it far worse than I do, my sense of perspective isn't lost so I realize the relative smallness of my problem. I am in no way attempting to compete, I offer my support in what ways I am able and while can't always sympathize I do empathize.
I spent my childhood as fairly low key, low stress kid. Most of my emotional displays were quite muted relative to other children that age, which is not saying much. Even as my family moved around I was less adventurous than others and always had a much smaller circle of friends. I was different -in several substantive ways- but never in a way that I thought was inherently detrimental. In point of fact my best friend from elementary school developed low self esteem and became sad about what other classmates thought about him. I did my best at the time to empathize but I couldn't sympathize because I found the views of most other people to be irrelevant, if I bothered to notice them at all.
Now almost a decade later I come to find that if things have not been "exactly" reversed then the tables have at least been turned. My friend is quite popular and social concerns are for him a matter of excessive options. I on the other hand have experienced decidedly less personal growth in this department. I have long since fallen out of touch with all of my friends and either they or I have moved away from one another excepting my old best mate from elementary school who I still know as a friend.
My personal history causes chagrin but its not why I'm posting. At my friend's seventeenth birthday party a huge number of people invited themselves, on the order of 200 or so. The Circumstances are irrelevant, what shocked me was the anxiety that clamped down on me like an oversmall torso shackle. I couldn't start a conversation, or make eye contact, I couldn't stand or sit with confidence or ease. My identity as a social individual just evaporated. Anytime I thought to start a conversation I became afraid, not afraid of how others might respond but of having to interact. I never new this could happen to me. What was worse is that I attempted to self medicate with alcohol hoping for a change in my personality. Not only did it have no psychological effect it had a pronounced physiological effect, I could feel my body disobeying me I could see and feel that for every three steps forward I took I shifted a foot to the right and I couldn't do anything about it. At first it was novel but it quickly became frustrating and then I realized I was trapped like this unable to move or relax with a mind full a fear and a body that wouldn't listen, frankly I was terrified.
Now I face another surprise Social Networking sites leave me feeling deeply self conscious, the few pictures I have up leave me feeling embarrassed regardless of their content. I cant escape the sense that people are balking at them privately rejecting and judging me. Whats worse is that I can get in contact with old friends and acquaintances and I feel like I don't have enough to show the time apart as though they evolved and I stood still and remained the same. At one point just visiting facebook caused me a cold sweat and a quiet dread.
If you have a had and experience similar to mine or one that you deem relevant please don't hesitate to post it here. If you've gotten over something like this or have a suggestion for how to do so please post.
I realize that many of the people here have it far worse than I do, my sense of perspective isn't lost so I realize the relative smallness of my problem. I am in no way attempting to compete, I offer my support in what ways I am able and while can't always sympathize I do empathize.